On New Year's Day, I took a yoga/art workshop dedicated to setting intentions for the new year. After a yoga flow session, students made collages that depicted goals or hopes for 2011.
Each participant was given a square of poster paper. There were plenty of magazines, markers, crayons, pastels, glue, glitter, feathers, old calendars, postcards, and who knows what else to go around. The room had the feel of an elementary school art classroom, happy with chatter and creation. I, however, had a hard time getting started.
For one thing, I went through a collage phase in college (ha! no near pun intended) and I wasn't in the mood to cut and paste. I had, though, come to the workshop with some vague intentions in mind, as well as a deep belief in the power of setting intentions. In 2009, I went to a similar New Year's Day workshop in DC. In that one, we wrote letters to ourselves, to be mailed to us by the instructor in 6 months, that described our lives 6 months later. The idea was to describe in present tense the life that you wanted to be living 6 months later. That year, Dean and I had just decided to have a baby and I was sending off poems to journals, but so far had only received rejections. In my letter to myself, I was pregnant and holding the journal that held my first published poem. When I found the letter in my mailbox in late June, I was 5 months pregnant. The journal that contained my first published poem was on my bookshelf, within easy reach.
Because of one of 2009's attained set intentions--guess which one--I couldn't make it to a New Year's Day workshop in 2010. But I did in 2011, and I knew I wanted a year of change. First and foremost, I wanted more sleep. I wanted more time for yoga, more time for writing, and more time for myself in general. I knew I was going to wean sometime in 2011, and I knew I was going to think about looking for work in the fall. In general, I was hoping that 2011 would be a year of finding footing in the world of motherhood, of making room in my life for the things that had defined me before Amelia came along and became the center of my universe.
In the weeks before the 2011 workshop, I had been writing a prose poem about Amelia's birth. Some lines from the poem were floating through my head. I decided to write/rewrite the poem on my poster paper. First I cut into into a more oval shape. Think O'Keefe flowers--I was writing about birth here. And then I wrote the poem in the same oval shape. On top of it all, I wrote the a word in large block letters. I colored in some of the letters and pasted paper over others. The word was EVOLVE.
June is a rich month, sun and flowers and early summer harvest. It is the month I was married. It is the sixth month of the year, a halfway point, the perfect time to pause and consider or reconsider intentions for the year.
My plan for June is to write one blog post a day. I don't have any particular theme in mind for the posts--I won't always be writing about setting intentions, although this did seem like a good place to start--it's just that I have finished up some fairly major projects in May, not least of which was finishing my poetry manuscript and sending it off to several contests, and I would like to get back to the blog for awhile.
I have some other goals in mind too. In June, I want to
1. Drink more water. I realized I go through the day feeling thirsty a lot. (A note to Mom: I don't think it's diabetes.) I think I'm just thirsty. Denver is dry and I am busy.
2. Read more. My plan for Amelia's naptimes in June are to write on the blog and then read. I want to read both poetry and fiction. I started a Goodreads account a couple of years ago I would like to get back to too.
3. And with #2 in mind, I am setting a cleaning limit for myself in June. I have been feeling like I fritter away too much time straightening the house. It becomes a creative block, almost, a way for me to avoid sitting down to write. So in June, I am allowed to straighten up after breakfast and to do whatever chores seem most urgent for 10 minutes, and only 10 minutes, after Amelia goes down for her nap. I am going to set the timer. If Amelia happens to be entertaining herself throughout the day, I can do small things then too, but that's pretty hit or miss.
And forth, I would like to exercise more. I have been going to yoga much more often and even running, although that's more sporadic. In June I am going to try to do one or the other every day.
It will be interesting to see how this goes, since I often don't feel like writing until everything is neat. And the truth is I really hate running. On top of all that, we are spending most of June 1st on a plane. So we'll see.
In the manuscript class I just finished, the instructor talked a lot about closure, about the importance of finishing a project, even if it wasn't as perfect as you'd hoped. The great thing about letting something go, he said, is that you get to see what you're going to do next. The month of May was for me a definite time of closure--I sent the manuscript off, I weaned Amelia--so I feel that this summer is a kind of beginning. All this reminds of some lines from a poem by T.S. Eliot:
What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.
Beginning or end, I am excited to see what happens next.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
19 Facts for 19 Months
1. 19 months has been a lot of fun! I somehow never imagined Amelia being older than 18 months. 18 months was a big milestone in my mind, a sort of "I've made it this far so I think I'm gonna make it!" I remember holding 3- or 4-month old Baby A, enviously staring at parents with 18-month-olds. So when Amelia turned 19 months old, it was kind of a shock: it keeps going after this? Maybe because I truly had no expectations, I have been pleasantly surprised.
Part of that is because 2. Amelia is talking more and more. With talking comes communicating, so it's easier to figure out what she wants and doesn't want. Also, it's hilarious. She repeats tons of what we say, including, this morning, "suck it." In context, it was fine--she found one of those mesh baby teether things and I was telling her what to do with it: "You suck it." She spent the next hour saying, "Suck it! Suck it!" Then she stopped. I am hoping she has forgotten it.
3. Other, less disturbing things she says:
"Momma Epyoo" (Momma help you.) She says this when she wants me to help her.
"Naken" (Naked). She loves to be naked. She needs Momma Epyoo to undress, though.
"Peekaboo!" It's adorable. She actually memorized a little peekaboo book, Peek-a-who, from the library. She has also done a few short sentences: "Momma comin'?" "Daddy doin'?" She makes it clear to us that we drop our "g's."
4. Amelia loves her extended family, and talks about them all the time. If we talk about what we are doing, she lists all of her family members and we have to say what they are all doing at that moment.
5. Amelia loves to sing. We also have to include all family members' names in one of her favorites songs, Raffi's Willougby Wallaby Woo. Other favorites songs include Raffi's song about going to the zoo, the ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Old MacDonald.
6. We really are weaned. It really is done. Overall, it has been easier than I thought. Amelia asks for "mik" fewer times each day, and yesterday she seemed to do it almost as a joke. She drinks a lot more other liquids, which makes sense. She likes juice of all kinds, regular milk, and "chocate mik" (which is really chocolate soymilk, mostly for the sake of variety).
7. Amelia still snuggles! She likes to hug, to sit in my lap, or to play a games where she pushes me over and falls on me. And the last couple of naps, she has let me rock her to sleep! This is a huge improvement over crying for 10 minutes each and every naptime. I do think sometimes kids just have to cry themselves to sleep--or Amelia does anyway--but I just cannot take it at naptime.
8. These days Amelia is napping around 12-2, give or take 15-20 minutes on either side. It's predictable, for now, which probably adds to my general enjoyment of the days.
9. And we have a pretty set little routine, something I also enjoy. Amelia wakes up between 5 and 6 (sometimes before 5, yikes, but less and less). She likes to play upstairs for a while, then come down and have something to eat and drink. If it's cool and the heat is on, she likes to sit on the big heating vent in our living room and eat her snack. There are fairly large holes in the vent. Sometimes, from the kitchen, I can hear her muttering "too big, too big" or calling "Uh oh!" I have removed a wide variety of items from the vent, but luckily there is a flat place under the vent to catch anything that happens to fall. This is not the best toddler habit but I have decided that for now it is not a battle I want to fight. And it buys me time to clean up the kitchen.
After Dean leaves for work, Amelia and I play downstairs for awhile and read some books. Then we go upstairs and I take a shower while she plays in the bathroom. I take some toys in there to entertain her or she looks at the toiletries in the various baskets I have. (All babyproofed.) This week, she discovered a drawer that contained tampons and has been having a great time dissecting them. Again: it buys some time.
Then we get dressed, a long process, since sometime in the morning Amelia usually become naken. I try to brush her teeth, and once we are ready, we leave the house. On Mondays we go to the grocery store, and other days we go to the Children's Museum or some other fun place, or run other errands, or if it's nice, go to the park. I try to have her home by 11, and we have lunch. Then she messes around till noon while I half play with her, half straighten up. We read some more books, then nap.
After her nap she likes to play with animals in her crib for awhile, and then we usually try to get out of the house again. Amelia is much more grouchy about being in her car seat in the afternoons, so I don't like to go anywhere too far. My favorite thing is to just spend the afternoon in the park, but we haven't been able to do that much lately. Apparently of the 65 non-sunny days a year Denver supposedly has, 31 are in May. So afternoons this week have been challenging.
Anyway, Dean gets home around 5:15, and we all play/work in the yard, or I go to yoga (!; see below). Amelia tends to be hungry for dinner early, between 4:45 and 5:30. We feed her, then she plays till bathtime and goes to bed between 7 and 7:30.
The days are mostly very good.
10. One of my Mother's Day presents was an unlimited summer yoga pass. I picked it out myself. It lasts through July and I have been going to yoga as much as I can. I go in the evenings to a 6-7:15 class. It gives Dean and Amelia time to play and do the bath-bed routine. We have found that when I am in the house, she is much fussier about having me be right with her. If I go to "cass," she might be a little upset when I leave but quickly gets over it and everyone has a pleasant evening, especially Momma. I love going to yoga. May has been a bit more sporadic than I planned, but I have made it to at least 2 classes a week. I am hoping to go more even more often in June.
11. Teething: Amelia is getting her canine teeth. This has truly seemed to last forever, and they seem to bother her a lot more than most of her other teeth. She has drooled, run a low fever, and gnawed on her fingers a lot over the past two months at least. It has gotten so that when she gets too fussy, I just get out the Orajel. I will be glad when the teeth are finally in.
12. In other toddler behavior news, I should touch on eating and sleeping if only for the record. Amelia's eating remains very toddler-esque: she will eat like a horse for a few days, making her mother very happy, and then seem to eat almost nothing for a day or two or more. Highlights of the eating times have been berries of all types, a return to chickpeas, and tiny broccoli florets--raw. Discovering that she liked broccoli was an accident. I gave her a crown of broccoli to hold in the grocery store and she started chewing on it. She is definitely a grazer. Her favorite snacks are salty, crunchy ones like pretzels, crackers and Veggie Straws.
13. My most hated baby-related chore--and I have thought this through--is changing crib sheets. It's terrible! The sheets are super tight and they get caught up in the bumper pad and it takes forever and I think I pull a muscle every time I do it, which is often because Amelia spends so much time lolling in the sand in the park.
14. We are not exactly potty training, but we now own 2 training potties, one that sits on the floor and one that sits on the big potty. Amelia likes to take apart or fill with toys the one on the floor but other than that has no interest in using them. But since she is naken so much she is becoming more aware of when she needs to use the bathroom. She says "pee-pee" for both pee and poop, then proceeds to go on the floor. It seems to upset her so I try to be very upbeat and encouraging about it:
Me: Pee on the floor! That's great! Let's get a towel!
Amelia: (standing naked in a pool pf pee, looking upset) Momma epyoo! Towel!
15. Our garden is planted and growing. I owe you an entire garden-related post, but we (and by we I mean Dean) have planted tomatoes, peppers, strawberries, blueberries, asparagus, peas, radishes, and flowers, and squash and beans will be planted soon. Our fingers are crossed.
16. I love my Denver friends. The playgroup has really gelled, and I spend a lot of time with my neighbor and her daughter. It makes living here so much easier.
17. I still clean too much. I am trying to cut back, I swear.
18. How many ambulance rides have you taken in your life? Because Amelia has now had two. Last week, she fell out of her wagon and hit her head. She cried inconsolably for over 10 minutes, then got sleepy, so Dean called 911. Luckily, by the time the paramedics got here, she was much better. They took her to the ER just in case. The doctors all thought she was fine but watched her for 2 hours (in hospital time, if was just over 3). We were super relieved. It was terrifying while it lasted--one of those times that reveals to you the fact that your child is your entire world--but I think it says something that I just thought of it here at the end of the post. Um, welcome to parenthood? Just as I felt when she got through the appendix episode, I am deeply thankful that she is all right, still her sunny, funny, lovely self. I would think that Amelia could be finished with ambulance rides now, though. Seriously.
19. This is my 350th post. I am glad blogging is still part of my life. I had a community of blog "friends" long before I had very many real mom friends. I love the blogs I read (and I should say I stole this idea of a listed post from Liz's birthday post on BC), and I love writing posts too. This is the only baby journal I keep, and it is so nice to share Amelia with so many others.
Part of that is because 2. Amelia is talking more and more. With talking comes communicating, so it's easier to figure out what she wants and doesn't want. Also, it's hilarious. She repeats tons of what we say, including, this morning, "suck it." In context, it was fine--she found one of those mesh baby teether things and I was telling her what to do with it: "You suck it." She spent the next hour saying, "Suck it! Suck it!" Then she stopped. I am hoping she has forgotten it.
3. Other, less disturbing things she says:
"Momma Epyoo" (Momma help you.) She says this when she wants me to help her.
"Naken" (Naked). She loves to be naked. She needs Momma Epyoo to undress, though.
"Peekaboo!" It's adorable. She actually memorized a little peekaboo book, Peek-a-who, from the library. She has also done a few short sentences: "Momma comin'?" "Daddy doin'?" She makes it clear to us that we drop our "g's."
4. Amelia loves her extended family, and talks about them all the time. If we talk about what we are doing, she lists all of her family members and we have to say what they are all doing at that moment.
5. Amelia loves to sing. We also have to include all family members' names in one of her favorites songs, Raffi's Willougby Wallaby Woo. Other favorites songs include Raffi's song about going to the zoo, the ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Old MacDonald.
6. We really are weaned. It really is done. Overall, it has been easier than I thought. Amelia asks for "mik" fewer times each day, and yesterday she seemed to do it almost as a joke. She drinks a lot more other liquids, which makes sense. She likes juice of all kinds, regular milk, and "chocate mik" (which is really chocolate soymilk, mostly for the sake of variety).
7. Amelia still snuggles! She likes to hug, to sit in my lap, or to play a games where she pushes me over and falls on me. And the last couple of naps, she has let me rock her to sleep! This is a huge improvement over crying for 10 minutes each and every naptime. I do think sometimes kids just have to cry themselves to sleep--or Amelia does anyway--but I just cannot take it at naptime.
8. These days Amelia is napping around 12-2, give or take 15-20 minutes on either side. It's predictable, for now, which probably adds to my general enjoyment of the days.
9. And we have a pretty set little routine, something I also enjoy. Amelia wakes up between 5 and 6 (sometimes before 5, yikes, but less and less). She likes to play upstairs for a while, then come down and have something to eat and drink. If it's cool and the heat is on, she likes to sit on the big heating vent in our living room and eat her snack. There are fairly large holes in the vent. Sometimes, from the kitchen, I can hear her muttering "too big, too big" or calling "Uh oh!" I have removed a wide variety of items from the vent, but luckily there is a flat place under the vent to catch anything that happens to fall. This is not the best toddler habit but I have decided that for now it is not a battle I want to fight. And it buys me time to clean up the kitchen.
After Dean leaves for work, Amelia and I play downstairs for awhile and read some books. Then we go upstairs and I take a shower while she plays in the bathroom. I take some toys in there to entertain her or she looks at the toiletries in the various baskets I have. (All babyproofed.) This week, she discovered a drawer that contained tampons and has been having a great time dissecting them. Again: it buys some time.
Then we get dressed, a long process, since sometime in the morning Amelia usually become naken. I try to brush her teeth, and once we are ready, we leave the house. On Mondays we go to the grocery store, and other days we go to the Children's Museum or some other fun place, or run other errands, or if it's nice, go to the park. I try to have her home by 11, and we have lunch. Then she messes around till noon while I half play with her, half straighten up. We read some more books, then nap.
After her nap she likes to play with animals in her crib for awhile, and then we usually try to get out of the house again. Amelia is much more grouchy about being in her car seat in the afternoons, so I don't like to go anywhere too far. My favorite thing is to just spend the afternoon in the park, but we haven't been able to do that much lately. Apparently of the 65 non-sunny days a year Denver supposedly has, 31 are in May. So afternoons this week have been challenging.
Anyway, Dean gets home around 5:15, and we all play/work in the yard, or I go to yoga (!; see below). Amelia tends to be hungry for dinner early, between 4:45 and 5:30. We feed her, then she plays till bathtime and goes to bed between 7 and 7:30.
The days are mostly very good.
10. One of my Mother's Day presents was an unlimited summer yoga pass. I picked it out myself. It lasts through July and I have been going to yoga as much as I can. I go in the evenings to a 6-7:15 class. It gives Dean and Amelia time to play and do the bath-bed routine. We have found that when I am in the house, she is much fussier about having me be right with her. If I go to "cass," she might be a little upset when I leave but quickly gets over it and everyone has a pleasant evening, especially Momma. I love going to yoga. May has been a bit more sporadic than I planned, but I have made it to at least 2 classes a week. I am hoping to go more even more often in June.
11. Teething: Amelia is getting her canine teeth. This has truly seemed to last forever, and they seem to bother her a lot more than most of her other teeth. She has drooled, run a low fever, and gnawed on her fingers a lot over the past two months at least. It has gotten so that when she gets too fussy, I just get out the Orajel. I will be glad when the teeth are finally in.
12. In other toddler behavior news, I should touch on eating and sleeping if only for the record. Amelia's eating remains very toddler-esque: she will eat like a horse for a few days, making her mother very happy, and then seem to eat almost nothing for a day or two or more. Highlights of the eating times have been berries of all types, a return to chickpeas, and tiny broccoli florets--raw. Discovering that she liked broccoli was an accident. I gave her a crown of broccoli to hold in the grocery store and she started chewing on it. She is definitely a grazer. Her favorite snacks are salty, crunchy ones like pretzels, crackers and Veggie Straws.
13. My most hated baby-related chore--and I have thought this through--is changing crib sheets. It's terrible! The sheets are super tight and they get caught up in the bumper pad and it takes forever and I think I pull a muscle every time I do it, which is often because Amelia spends so much time lolling in the sand in the park.
14. We are not exactly potty training, but we now own 2 training potties, one that sits on the floor and one that sits on the big potty. Amelia likes to take apart or fill with toys the one on the floor but other than that has no interest in using them. But since she is naken so much she is becoming more aware of when she needs to use the bathroom. She says "pee-pee" for both pee and poop, then proceeds to go on the floor. It seems to upset her so I try to be very upbeat and encouraging about it:
Me: Pee on the floor! That's great! Let's get a towel!
Amelia: (standing naked in a pool pf pee, looking upset) Momma epyoo! Towel!
15. Our garden is planted and growing. I owe you an entire garden-related post, but we (and by we I mean Dean) have planted tomatoes, peppers, strawberries, blueberries, asparagus, peas, radishes, and flowers, and squash and beans will be planted soon. Our fingers are crossed.
16. I love my Denver friends. The playgroup has really gelled, and I spend a lot of time with my neighbor and her daughter. It makes living here so much easier.
17. I still clean too much. I am trying to cut back, I swear.
18. How many ambulance rides have you taken in your life? Because Amelia has now had two. Last week, she fell out of her wagon and hit her head. She cried inconsolably for over 10 minutes, then got sleepy, so Dean called 911. Luckily, by the time the paramedics got here, she was much better. They took her to the ER just in case. The doctors all thought she was fine but watched her for 2 hours (in hospital time, if was just over 3). We were super relieved. It was terrifying while it lasted--one of those times that reveals to you the fact that your child is your entire world--but I think it says something that I just thought of it here at the end of the post. Um, welcome to parenthood? Just as I felt when she got through the appendix episode, I am deeply thankful that she is all right, still her sunny, funny, lovely self. I would think that Amelia could be finished with ambulance rides now, though. Seriously.
19. This is my 350th post. I am glad blogging is still part of my life. I had a community of blog "friends" long before I had very many real mom friends. I love the blogs I read (and I should say I stole this idea of a listed post from Liz's birthday post on BC), and I love writing posts too. This is the only baby journal I keep, and it is so nice to share Amelia with so many others.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
It's Done
You may have been wondering how my plan for weaning has been going.
Like many things that have to do with babies, for awhile it was one step forward, two steps back. I actually got Amelia down to nursing four times (not "sessions," as I had named her constant nursing in my last post on this subject) a day: first thing in the morning, before nap, after nap, and around 5. If she asked or tried to nurse at a different time, I could distract her pretty easily with a snack (dill pickles have been a favorite, if strange, substitute) or drink (chocolate milk, a juice box). Or I could just tell her no. In the afternoon, I would say "Not till 5:00!" It got to where almost any time I held her off, she would agreeably say, "Five!"
But once I got there, I decided to stay for awhile. It was easy, comfortable, and convenient. I knew we had a trip to NC coming up in which I would be alone with Amelia on planes and putting her to bed without Dean. The nursing, now that I knew its days really were numbered, was something special rather that something that drove me crazy.
Until.
For whatever reason, Amelia started waking up at least once every night and early, early in the mornings. I was nursing her at night if she woke and early in the mornings to try to get her to go back to sleep. It's like she was sneaking in another nursing session. I was going with it. It didn't bother me. Amelia woke up Friday morning at 3 AM, and I went in to nurse her. I sat in the glider thinking, I really should stop this. But I didn't feel ready. I figured I would know when it was time.
Three hours later, Amelia woke up again. I was very tired because it had taken me a long time to go back to sleep. Dean tried to get up with her but she kept crying "Momma, Momma!" "Milk, milk"! (Actually it sounds more like "Mik! Mik!") He brought her to me and she was doing this very strange thing with her teeth that was sort of painful. (I think she's teething.) And she kept latching off and latching back on. Then she put her Giraffe lovey up to my boob and said, "Num num num." And I thought, "It's time."
I didn't nurse her at all the rest of Friday. For nap time (oh yeah, since NC I was nursing her to sleep at nap time again because oh, it was so wonderfully EASY) I put her in the crib and sang and rubbed her belly till she fell asleep. When she asked for "mik" I told her that we were going to be saying bye-bye to milk. She would look skeptical and say, "Five?"
Yesterday morning, Saturday, I nursed Amelia for the last time.
I felt like I was saying bye-bye not only to mik but also to my baby. Toddlers are not known for sitting still and snuggling, which is another reason I was holding on to breastfeeding. Amelia curled around me,totally relaxed, her head nestled in the crook of my arm. She was calm and peaceful, nursing rather slowly. She let me rub her little tummy and touch all of her fingers. I think she might have known it was the last time too. She lingered.
And then, all of a sudden, it was over. Dean was getting out of the shower, and Amelia heard the water go off. She jumped up and said "Towel!" (She likes to hand us our towels.) She got down from the bed by herself ("Self! Self!") and she was gone.
I have to admit, I cried, but just a little. It really is time.
I have a gmail account that I got when I started this blog, but I really don't use it. It's somehow connected to my phone, though, and I had to get my phone reset because it wasn't working. They told me I might need to get my saved phone numbers and pictures through my gmail account. When I signed in, I saw that I had 1,443 unread messages. They are all from astrology.com. Apparently, about 1443 days ago I signed up for a daily horoscope and used the gmail address. When I saw all the messages, I thought that surely 1443 unread horoscopes would make a good subject for a poem. This morning, I remembered them and opened the message for today:
Forget caution, discretion, and waiting for the best time to act. You're all done, and it's time to let that fact be known.
Bye-bye, mik. I am deeply thankful you could serve us so well.
Like many things that have to do with babies, for awhile it was one step forward, two steps back. I actually got Amelia down to nursing four times (not "sessions," as I had named her constant nursing in my last post on this subject) a day: first thing in the morning, before nap, after nap, and around 5. If she asked or tried to nurse at a different time, I could distract her pretty easily with a snack (dill pickles have been a favorite, if strange, substitute) or drink (chocolate milk, a juice box). Or I could just tell her no. In the afternoon, I would say "Not till 5:00!" It got to where almost any time I held her off, she would agreeably say, "Five!"
But once I got there, I decided to stay for awhile. It was easy, comfortable, and convenient. I knew we had a trip to NC coming up in which I would be alone with Amelia on planes and putting her to bed without Dean. The nursing, now that I knew its days really were numbered, was something special rather that something that drove me crazy.
Until.
For whatever reason, Amelia started waking up at least once every night and early, early in the mornings. I was nursing her at night if she woke and early in the mornings to try to get her to go back to sleep. It's like she was sneaking in another nursing session. I was going with it. It didn't bother me. Amelia woke up Friday morning at 3 AM, and I went in to nurse her. I sat in the glider thinking, I really should stop this. But I didn't feel ready. I figured I would know when it was time.
Three hours later, Amelia woke up again. I was very tired because it had taken me a long time to go back to sleep. Dean tried to get up with her but she kept crying "Momma, Momma!" "Milk, milk"! (Actually it sounds more like "Mik! Mik!") He brought her to me and she was doing this very strange thing with her teeth that was sort of painful. (I think she's teething.) And she kept latching off and latching back on. Then she put her Giraffe lovey up to my boob and said, "Num num num." And I thought, "It's time."
I didn't nurse her at all the rest of Friday. For nap time (oh yeah, since NC I was nursing her to sleep at nap time again because oh, it was so wonderfully EASY) I put her in the crib and sang and rubbed her belly till she fell asleep. When she asked for "mik" I told her that we were going to be saying bye-bye to milk. She would look skeptical and say, "Five?"
Yesterday morning, Saturday, I nursed Amelia for the last time.
I felt like I was saying bye-bye not only to mik but also to my baby. Toddlers are not known for sitting still and snuggling, which is another reason I was holding on to breastfeeding. Amelia curled around me,totally relaxed, her head nestled in the crook of my arm. She was calm and peaceful, nursing rather slowly. She let me rub her little tummy and touch all of her fingers. I think she might have known it was the last time too. She lingered.
And then, all of a sudden, it was over. Dean was getting out of the shower, and Amelia heard the water go off. She jumped up and said "Towel!" (She likes to hand us our towels.) She got down from the bed by herself ("Self! Self!") and she was gone.
I have to admit, I cried, but just a little. It really is time.
I have a gmail account that I got when I started this blog, but I really don't use it. It's somehow connected to my phone, though, and I had to get my phone reset because it wasn't working. They told me I might need to get my saved phone numbers and pictures through my gmail account. When I signed in, I saw that I had 1,443 unread messages. They are all from astrology.com. Apparently, about 1443 days ago I signed up for a daily horoscope and used the gmail address. When I saw all the messages, I thought that surely 1443 unread horoscopes would make a good subject for a poem. This morning, I remembered them and opened the message for today:
Forget caution, discretion, and waiting for the best time to act. You're all done, and it's time to let that fact be known.
Bye-bye, mik. I am deeply thankful you could serve us so well.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Easter!
Finally.
We spent Easter with Jes, Kim and Micah.
The Easter bunny delivered these fine baskets and adorable bear-bunnies. We had a fun morning exploring the baskets and sharing--sort of-- the goodies inside.
It was great to spend a holiday with family.
We spent Easter with Jes, Kim and Micah.
The Easter bunny delivered these fine baskets and adorable bear-bunnies. We had a fun morning exploring the baskets and sharing--sort of-- the goodies inside.
It was great to spend a holiday with family.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
History and Influences Part 4a: The Romantics and Me
Note: this is a long post with a lot of links. Just FYI.
All right, here we go. I have been avoiding this post like the plague. It's because I don't feel like I know enough to write about. But hey, a history of A's in English classes (okay, some B+'s, a lot of A-'s) says otherwise, right?
As I have been considering my main poetic influences, I came to the conclusion that my poems have been impacted by two particular literary movements, Romanticism and the Modernism. A little focused reading on both of those movements led me to what now seems like the obvious realization that almost all contemporary American poetry was influenced by the Romantics and the Modernists. That made me want to write this post even less, because there is no way I will say anything new or anything comprehensive. But, my point here is to write this all out for myself, and also for all my readers, who are kind to read it but mostly just want a picture of Amelia.
Here is one with Micah, at Easter.
We put ears on them.
Okay, focus. So I decided to tackle the Romantics first. Let's begin with
The Question Air Guide to the Romantics in 100 Words or Less:
Romanticism was an artistic movement, not just a literary one, that flourished from the late 1700s to the early or mid 1800’s, although the exact dates are hard to pin down. The English poets Wordsworth, Coleridge, Shelly and Keats are generally credited with beginning or least advancing the movement in literature; Walt Whitman is the poster-poet for American Romanticism. In a break with poetry of the past, Romantics poets declared themselves as individuals and created works that featured a great deal of personal history, personal viewpoints and personal meditation. Romantic poetry also often focuses attention on both the natural world and the supernatural.
That's actually 103 words, but I felt it was important to repeat "personal" several times. If you want to read more, here is a short guide to Romanticism, and here is another really nice summary of the movement, a little longer but more informative than the first.
I will go out on a limb and say that almost all contemporary American poetry is influenced to some degree by the tenets of the Romantic Movement. Even the experimental poets like LANGUAGE poets are reacting against it (here is another interesting example of experimental poetry); even the more political poets are probably using a somewhat personal lens. In my case, more contemporary poems were models for me than poems by the Romantics, but those contemporary poems were in some way influenced by the Romantics, or were influenced by poems that were.
(I always thought an interesting project would be to create a web of poets. I would pick a poet I like and try to figure out what past writers might have influenced her. For example, a web of Mary Oliver would have to include Walt Whitman. Also probably Thoreau. This is another huge project. I will put it on my list.)
But Romanticism has more than just a tangential influence on my writing. My own poems actually feature some of what the CUNY website I linked above calls the three "major precepts" of Romanticism: imagination, nature, and symbolism and myth. I am definitely interested in those three things.
For example, the poem that begins my manuscript in its current form is called "The Fortune Telling Book of Dreams." I actually got that title from a book I saw in a shop with my friend Laura. I didn't look much at the book, but the title fascinated me. I thought it would fun to write a poem that could be an exceprt from the book. It was the first poem I totally made up, if that makes sense. In other words, I wasn't trying to record a particular expereince or capture a memory, as I do in a lot of other poems. I was just making up my own dream symbols. The poems begins
A dream containing dogwood blossoms means
you are questioning your religion. A dream
in which you drive a Volkswagon Jetta up a river...
I had a lot of fun writing that poem. It felt very free. I did actually dream once about driving a VW Jetta (which was my first car) up a river. But must dreams, and their "meanings," I just made up.
As for nature and "symbolism and myth," one of the most interesting things for me as a writer is finding ways to combine the two. I think that was true of some Romantics as well. I wrote a long poem called "Antler" that alternated two stories in 6-line stanzas. One was the story of this walk I took with my mom where we came across all these dead, decaying cows in a field. The other was about a trip to an art museum in DC. It featured this piece of art.
I was actually writing two poems, one about each experience, and I realized that two somehow were similar. I thought that putting them together would let the natural objects from the walk resonate against the made objects from the museum in interesting ways.
You know what? I generally don't put my own poems on my blog, because I am sending them out to journals to be published and some journals view any kind of web publication as "previous publication." So to keep everything simple I just don't put poems here. But this poem has been rejected by exactly seven literary journals, and it's not out anywhere now, so I am putting it up. I will leave it for a little while and then take it down. Consider it a sneak peak. Beware, it's kind of long.
[poem deleted Aug. 9 2011]
Is this a hard poem to read? Some people who have read it seem to find it confusing. It was a hard poem to write but also very fun. I was very excited when the two stories came together in the middle. It was not something I planned. That's one of the best things about writing, how even when you set out to write something in particular you don't know what's going to happen.
Anyway, there you have it. I don't want to analyze my own poem, but maybe you can see the Romantic influences. If you are an literature person and reading this, I would love to hear comments. I feel a bit at a loss writing about this stuff, but it something I want to tackle more often.
All right, here we go. I have been avoiding this post like the plague. It's because I don't feel like I know enough to write about. But hey, a history of A's in English classes (okay, some B+'s, a lot of A-'s) says otherwise, right?
As I have been considering my main poetic influences, I came to the conclusion that my poems have been impacted by two particular literary movements, Romanticism and the Modernism. A little focused reading on both of those movements led me to what now seems like the obvious realization that almost all contemporary American poetry was influenced by the Romantics and the Modernists. That made me want to write this post even less, because there is no way I will say anything new or anything comprehensive. But, my point here is to write this all out for myself, and also for all my readers, who are kind to read it but mostly just want a picture of Amelia.
Here is one with Micah, at Easter.
We put ears on them.
Okay, focus. So I decided to tackle the Romantics first. Let's begin with
The Question Air Guide to the Romantics in 100 Words or Less:
Romanticism was an artistic movement, not just a literary one, that flourished from the late 1700s to the early or mid 1800’s, although the exact dates are hard to pin down. The English poets Wordsworth, Coleridge, Shelly and Keats are generally credited with beginning or least advancing the movement in literature; Walt Whitman is the poster-poet for American Romanticism. In a break with poetry of the past, Romantics poets declared themselves as individuals and created works that featured a great deal of personal history, personal viewpoints and personal meditation. Romantic poetry also often focuses attention on both the natural world and the supernatural.
That's actually 103 words, but I felt it was important to repeat "personal" several times. If you want to read more, here is a short guide to Romanticism, and here is another really nice summary of the movement, a little longer but more informative than the first.
I will go out on a limb and say that almost all contemporary American poetry is influenced to some degree by the tenets of the Romantic Movement. Even the experimental poets like LANGUAGE poets are reacting against it (here is another interesting example of experimental poetry); even the more political poets are probably using a somewhat personal lens. In my case, more contemporary poems were models for me than poems by the Romantics, but those contemporary poems were in some way influenced by the Romantics, or were influenced by poems that were.
(I always thought an interesting project would be to create a web of poets. I would pick a poet I like and try to figure out what past writers might have influenced her. For example, a web of Mary Oliver would have to include Walt Whitman. Also probably Thoreau. This is another huge project. I will put it on my list.)
But Romanticism has more than just a tangential influence on my writing. My own poems actually feature some of what the CUNY website I linked above calls the three "major precepts" of Romanticism: imagination, nature, and symbolism and myth. I am definitely interested in those three things.
For example, the poem that begins my manuscript in its current form is called "The Fortune Telling Book of Dreams." I actually got that title from a book I saw in a shop with my friend Laura. I didn't look much at the book, but the title fascinated me. I thought it would fun to write a poem that could be an exceprt from the book. It was the first poem I totally made up, if that makes sense. In other words, I wasn't trying to record a particular expereince or capture a memory, as I do in a lot of other poems. I was just making up my own dream symbols. The poems begins
A dream containing dogwood blossoms means
you are questioning your religion. A dream
in which you drive a Volkswagon Jetta up a river...
I had a lot of fun writing that poem. It felt very free. I did actually dream once about driving a VW Jetta (which was my first car) up a river. But must dreams, and their "meanings," I just made up.
As for nature and "symbolism and myth," one of the most interesting things for me as a writer is finding ways to combine the two. I think that was true of some Romantics as well. I wrote a long poem called "Antler" that alternated two stories in 6-line stanzas. One was the story of this walk I took with my mom where we came across all these dead, decaying cows in a field. The other was about a trip to an art museum in DC. It featured this piece of art.
I was actually writing two poems, one about each experience, and I realized that two somehow were similar. I thought that putting them together would let the natural objects from the walk resonate against the made objects from the museum in interesting ways.
You know what? I generally don't put my own poems on my blog, because I am sending them out to journals to be published and some journals view any kind of web publication as "previous publication." So to keep everything simple I just don't put poems here. But this poem has been rejected by exactly seven literary journals, and it's not out anywhere now, so I am putting it up. I will leave it for a little while and then take it down. Consider it a sneak peak. Beware, it's kind of long.
[poem deleted Aug. 9 2011]
Is this a hard poem to read? Some people who have read it seem to find it confusing. It was a hard poem to write but also very fun. I was very excited when the two stories came together in the middle. It was not something I planned. That's one of the best things about writing, how even when you set out to write something in particular you don't know what's going to happen.
Anyway, there you have it. I don't want to analyze my own poem, but maybe you can see the Romantic influences. If you are an literature person and reading this, I would love to hear comments. I feel a bit at a loss writing about this stuff, but it something I want to tackle more often.
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