This Is Your Brain on Toddlerhood

There have been a couple of times in Amelia's life that I have felt I could almost see her brain developing. The past week or two has been one of those times. From the moment she wakes up, she goes a mile a minute, talking, playing, reading, singing, moving toys and pens and buttons and who knows what all to the places they clearly need to be, and generally directing things around the house.

Her language development has been the most obvious--when she isn't cruise directing, she has been stating or describing what she is doing or what is happening around her in alarmingly complex sentences. I have been calling her "the narrator." When you go in her bedroom to get her when she wakes up, she will inform you "Mia sanding in her cib." In fact, now she might also say "I sanding in my cib"--she is getting more and more pronouns right. She says things like "Mia go with Daddy to pick tomatoes," or last night at dinner when she happened to glance up and out the window, "I'm looking out the window." Sometimes when she speaks she falls into a kind of "uh, uh, uh" noise and you can tell the wheels are turning in her mind as she looks for the right word or maybe the sentence structure, but more and more she just talks. She talks all day long. And she still prefers that you repeat back what she says. I don't miss not the quiet, exactly, but our days our... full.

Another reason our days are full, and this is perhaps related to the brain development spurt, is that Amelia's naps have suddenly and substantially shortened themselves. She was napping from around 12-2, and now she doesn't seem ready to go down for a nap till 1 or 1:30, if then. Then, she naps for about 45 minutes. She has a hard time settling down, and when she wakes up, after a period of initial fussiness, she is ready to go for the afternoon. She has been sleeping at night, though, for 11-12 hour stretches, from 7:30 or 8 to around 7 in the morning, so I am thinking since she is sleeping so long at night she just doesn't need a long nap. It's not the best news for me, break-wise, but it's not terrible. I am trying to take advantage of being able to have longer morning outings, and drastically decrease the number of things I try to do during her nap. (In fact, one of the things I have been doing during her nap is sitting down and watching "Friends," which conveniently reruns every day at 2:00.) Since I have less time during the day and more time during the mornings, I have been trying to get up a little earlier and enjoy the quiet. The early mornings have always been the best poem-writing times for me anyway, so maybe this is a good development for me, writing-wise.

Another note about toddlerhood--Amelia has had some real live tantrums lately. These are sometimes times when she is tired or maybe related to not feeling well, with the cold, for example, or last week she also tested positive for strep--one of the best tips I got about toddler behavior is that when they are acting SUPER terrible, they are probably sick. But there have been a couple of tantrums that seem mostly just about Amelia not getting what she wants, which I suppose is normal for almost two. Last week, we stopped by the "dinosaur bone museum" to play for awhile, and when we were leaving, not feeling well myself, I forgot to do my usual "in a few minutes, we have to say bye-bye to the museum" thing to prep Amelia for our departure (which usually works really well). We were walking toward the door, and Amelia seemed to realize we were leaving, and she just lost it. She was crouching and clenching her fists and screaming "dinosaur bones!" She was in fact standing directly underneath dinosaur bones, but no attempt of mine to point that out to her, or to calm her down in any way other way, worked, so I finally had to pick her up and carry her screaming to the car. She cried most of the 20-minute drive home, and what finally made her stop was a tip I read in The Happiest Toddler on the Block: "gossip." The author recommends that you "gossip" with your toddler's stuffed animals (or other family members, if they are around), both to discuss bad behavior and praise good behavior. The idea is that toddlers like to overhear stuff and sometimes you can get more across if they think you are not talking to them. So I talked to Elmo, who Amelia had carried around the museum all morning. "Hey Elmo! Listen! Amelia had a tantrum at the museum, and Amelia is so angry! Amelia wanted to stay at the dinosaur bones! But Momma doesn't understand tantrums. Momma understands big girl words! And Amelia is so good at big girl words!" And etc. Every time Amelia would start crying again I would say "Hey, Elmo! Listen!" And she would listen. By the time we got home, she was calm. I had asked Elmo if he thought Amelia would rather play with buttons or bracelets when she got home, and as we pulled into the garage, I heard a tiny, tired voice: "buttons."

We played with buttons, then had lunch. Toddlers are tiring. Lovable, but tiring.

The interesting thing is that Amelia still remembers this vividly. "Mia cied at the dinosaur bones. Elmo had to listen! Momma doesn't unersand tanums."

On a side note, with all these sicknesses and tantrums, sometimes I really miss breastfeeding. I just know it would calm her down so easily. I can pick Amelia up and snuggle her, and carry her around, and goodness knows I do, but it's not the same. Just saying, for the record: I don't regret weaning when we did, but I do miss the closeness, the calming nature of breastfeeding.

What else? We went to the zoo, and it was one of the first times Amelia was actually excited about the animals. She liked the elephants and hippos the best



and enjoyed peering over the wall at "Monkey Island."



She also fed some lorakeets



and rode the train with her friend Pigit,



and on another visit to the zoo with (L)u(l)i, she rode the merry-go-round.





We canceled a camping trip we had planned for this weekend because we all got colds, but we did go to a baseball game Sunday afternoon. The Rockies have a section called "The Rockpile" that features $4.50 bleacher seats, a good price for people who might only last a few innings. This was our view from our seats



and Amelia and Dean watching the game.



We had a good time--the day worked out well, since Amelia napped early and the sun went behind the clouds just time for the game. Amelia liked watching the people and even some of the game ("That man running!") She danced when music played and clapped when the other fans clapped, and the enjoyed her first experience with Dippin' Dots (which cost the same price as our seats). We lasted until about the 6th inning.

Our garden is thriving in the summer heat. We have piles of tomatoes, squash and zucchini, so much that I have just been planning our meals about what could include those things. We have a good amount of peppers, tomatillos, and cucumbers, too, and just picked some very pretty tri-color corn. This is our garden a couple of weeks ago; things are even taller and bushier now.





Finally, we are battling out an attempt to grow out Amelia's bangs. I really want to grow them out, since they grow fast and they are hard to trim, and our favorite hairdresser lives really far away. But Amelia is not a fan of hairclips ("Cips out!) so she looks pretty shaggy a lot of the time. Here is a picture of her with cips, just to prove she doesn't always look like a sheep dog.



We had some success with using a rubber band for a "ponytail" yesterday, and I made a big deal about how "now you can see!" So we'll see.

19 Facts for 19 Months

1. 19 months has been a lot of fun! I somehow never imagined Amelia being older than 18 months. 18 months was a big milestone in my mind, a sort of "I've made it this far so I think I'm gonna make it!" I remember holding 3- or 4-month old Baby A, enviously staring at parents with 18-month-olds. So when Amelia turned 19 months old, it was kind of a shock: it keeps going after this? Maybe because I truly had no expectations, I have been pleasantly surprised.

Part of that is because 2. Amelia is talking more and more. With talking comes communicating, so it's easier to figure out what she wants and doesn't want. Also, it's hilarious. She repeats tons of what we say, including, this morning, "suck it." In context, it was fine--she found one of those mesh baby teether things and I was telling her what to do with it: "You suck it." She spent the next hour saying, "Suck it! Suck it!" Then she stopped. I am hoping she has forgotten it.

3. Other, less disturbing things she says:
"Momma Epyoo" (Momma help you.) She says this when she wants me to help her.
"Naken" (Naked). She loves to be naked. She needs Momma Epyoo to undress, though.
"Peekaboo!" It's adorable. She actually memorized a little peekaboo book, Peek-a-who, from the library. She has also done a few short sentences: "Momma comin'?" "Daddy doin'?" She makes it clear to us that we drop our "g's."

4. Amelia loves her extended family, and talks about them all the time. If we talk about what we are doing, she lists all of her family members and we have to say what they are all doing at that moment.

5. Amelia loves to sing. We also have to include all family members' names in one of her favorites songs, Raffi's Willougby Wallaby Woo. Other favorites songs include Raffi's song about going to the zoo, the ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Old MacDonald.

6. We really are weaned. It really is done. Overall, it has been easier than I thought. Amelia asks for "mik" fewer times each day, and yesterday she seemed to do it almost as a joke. She drinks a lot more other liquids, which makes sense. She likes juice of all kinds, regular milk, and "chocate mik" (which is really chocolate soymilk, mostly for the sake of variety).


7. Amelia still snuggles! She likes to hug, to sit in my lap, or to play a games where she pushes me over and falls on me. And the last couple of naps, she has let me rock her to sleep! This is a huge improvement over crying for 10 minutes each and every naptime. I do think sometimes kids just have to cry themselves to sleep--or Amelia does anyway--but I just cannot take it at naptime.


8. These days Amelia is napping around 12-2, give or take 15-20 minutes on either side. It's predictable, for now, which probably adds to my general enjoyment of the days.

9. And we have a pretty set little routine, something I also enjoy. Amelia wakes up between 5 and 6 (sometimes before 5, yikes, but less and less). She likes to play upstairs for a while, then come down and have something to eat and drink. If it's cool and the heat is on, she likes to sit on the big heating vent in our living room and eat her snack. There are fairly large holes in the vent. Sometimes, from the kitchen, I can hear her muttering "too big, too big" or calling "Uh oh!" I have removed a wide variety of items from the vent, but luckily there is a flat place under the vent to catch anything that happens to fall. This is not the best toddler habit but I have decided that for now it is not a battle I want to fight. And it buys me time to clean up the kitchen.

After Dean leaves for work, Amelia and I play downstairs for awhile and read some books. Then we go upstairs and I take a shower while she plays in the bathroom. I take some toys in there to entertain her or she looks at the toiletries in the various baskets I have. (All babyproofed.) This week, she discovered a drawer that contained tampons and has been having a great time dissecting them. Again: it buys some time.

Then we get dressed, a long process, since sometime in the morning Amelia usually become naken. I try to brush her teeth, and once we are ready, we leave the house. On Mondays we go to the grocery store, and other days we go to the Children's Museum or some other fun place, or run other errands, or if it's nice, go to the park. I try to have her home by 11, and we have lunch. Then she messes around till noon while I half play with her, half straighten up. We read some more books, then nap.

After her nap she likes to play with animals in her crib for awhile, and then we usually try to get out of the house again. Amelia is much more grouchy about being in her car seat in the afternoons, so I don't like to go anywhere too far. My favorite thing is to just spend the afternoon in the park, but we haven't been able to do that much lately. Apparently of the 65 non-sunny days a year Denver supposedly has, 31 are in May. So afternoons this week have been challenging.

Anyway, Dean gets home around 5:15, and we all play/work in the yard, or I go to yoga (!; see below). Amelia tends to be hungry for dinner early, between 4:45 and 5:30. We feed her, then she plays till bathtime and goes to bed between 7 and 7:30.

The days are mostly very good.

10. One of my Mother's Day presents was an unlimited summer yoga pass. I picked it out myself. It lasts through July and I have been going to yoga as much as I can. I go in the evenings to a 6-7:15 class. It gives Dean and Amelia time to play and do the bath-bed routine. We have found that when I am in the house, she is much fussier about having me be right with her. If I go to "cass," she might be a little upset when I leave but quickly gets over it and everyone has a pleasant evening, especially Momma. I love going to yoga. May has been a bit more sporadic than I planned, but I have made it to at least 2 classes a week. I am hoping to go more even more often in June.

11. Teething: Amelia is getting her canine teeth. This has truly seemed to last forever, and they seem to bother her a lot more than most of her other teeth. She has drooled, run a low fever, and gnawed on her fingers a lot over the past two months at least. It has gotten so that when she gets too fussy, I just get out the Orajel. I will be glad when the teeth are finally in.

12. In other toddler behavior news, I should touch on eating and sleeping if only for the record. Amelia's eating remains very toddler-esque: she will eat like a horse for a few days, making her mother very happy, and then seem to eat almost nothing for a day or two or more. Highlights of the eating times have been berries of all types, a return to chickpeas, and tiny broccoli florets--raw. Discovering that she liked broccoli was an accident. I gave her a crown of broccoli to hold in the grocery store and she started chewing on it. She is definitely a grazer. Her favorite snacks are salty, crunchy ones like pretzels, crackers and Veggie Straws.

13. My most hated baby-related chore--and I have thought this through--is changing crib sheets. It's terrible! The sheets are super tight and they get caught up in the bumper pad and it takes forever and I think I pull a muscle every time I do it, which is often because Amelia spends so much time lolling in the sand in the park.

14. We are not exactly potty training, but we now own 2 training potties, one that sits on the floor and one that sits on the big potty. Amelia likes to take apart or fill with toys the one on the floor but other than that has no interest in using them. But since she is naken so much she is becoming more aware of when she needs to use the bathroom. She says "pee-pee" for both pee and poop, then proceeds to go on the floor. It seems to upset her so I try to be very upbeat and encouraging about it:


Me: Pee on the floor! That's great! Let's get a towel!
Amelia: (standing naked in a pool pf pee, looking upset) Momma epyoo! Towel!

15. Our garden is planted and growing. I owe you an entire garden-related post, but we (and by we I mean Dean) have planted tomatoes, peppers, strawberries, blueberries, asparagus, peas, radishes, and flowers, and squash and beans will be planted soon. Our fingers are crossed.


16. I love my Denver friends. The playgroup has really gelled, and I spend a lot of time with my neighbor and her daughter. It makes living here so much easier.

17. I still clean too much. I am trying to cut back, I swear.


18. How many ambulance rides have you taken in your life? Because Amelia has now had two. Last week, she fell out of her wagon and hit her head. She cried inconsolably for over 10 minutes, then got sleepy, so Dean called 911. Luckily, by the time the paramedics got here, she was much better. They took her to the ER just in case. The doctors all thought she was fine but watched her for 2 hours (in hospital time, if was just over 3). We were super relieved. It was terrifying while it lasted--one of those times that reveals to you the fact that your child is your entire world--but I think it says something that I just thought of it here at the end of the post. Um, welcome to parenthood? Just as I felt when she got through the appendix episode, I am deeply thankful that she is all right, still her sunny, funny, lovely self. I would think that Amelia could be finished with ambulance rides now, though. Seriously.


19. This is my 350th post. I am glad blogging is still part of my life. I had a community of blog "friends" long before I had very many real mom friends. I love the blogs I read (and I should say I stole this idea of a listed post from Liz's birthday post on BC), and I love writing posts too. This is the only baby journal I keep, and it is so nice to share Amelia with so many others.

It's Done

You may have been wondering how my plan for weaning has been going.

Like many things that have to do with babies, for awhile it was one step forward, two steps back. I actually got Amelia down to nursing four times (not "sessions," as I had named her constant nursing in my last post on this subject) a day: first thing in the morning, before nap, after nap, and around 5. If she asked or tried to nurse at a different time, I could distract her pretty easily with a snack (dill pickles have been a favorite, if strange, substitute) or drink (chocolate milk, a juice box). Or I could just tell her no. In the afternoon, I would say "Not till 5:00!" It got to where almost any time I held her off, she would agreeably say, "Five!"

But once I got there, I decided to stay for awhile. It was easy, comfortable, and convenient. I knew we had a trip to NC coming up in which I would be alone with Amelia on planes and putting her to bed without Dean. The nursing, now that I knew its days really were numbered, was something special rather that something that drove me crazy.

Until.

For whatever reason, Amelia started waking up at least once every night and early, early in the mornings. I was nursing her at night if she woke and early in the mornings to try to get her to go back to sleep. It's like she was sneaking in another nursing session. I was going with it. It didn't bother me. Amelia woke up Friday morning at 3 AM, and I went in to nurse her. I sat in the glider thinking, I really should stop this. But I didn't feel ready. I figured I would know when it was time.

Three hours later, Amelia woke up again. I was very tired because it had taken me a long time to go back to sleep. Dean tried to get up with her but she kept crying "Momma, Momma!" "Milk, milk"! (Actually it sounds more like "Mik! Mik!") He brought her to me and she was doing this very strange thing with her teeth that was sort of painful. (I think she's teething.) And she kept latching off and latching back on. Then she put her Giraffe lovey up to my boob and said, "Num num num." And I thought, "It's time."

I didn't nurse her at all the rest of Friday. For nap time (oh yeah, since NC I was nursing her to sleep at nap time again because oh, it was so wonderfully EASY) I put her in the crib and sang and rubbed her belly till she fell asleep. When she asked for "mik" I told her that we were going to be saying bye-bye to milk. She would look skeptical and say, "Five?"

Yesterday morning, Saturday, I nursed Amelia for the last time.

I felt like I was saying bye-bye not only to mik but also to my baby. Toddlers are not known for sitting still and snuggling, which is another reason I was holding on to breastfeeding. Amelia curled around me,totally relaxed, her head nestled in the crook of my arm. She was calm and peaceful, nursing rather slowly. She let me rub her little tummy and touch all of her fingers. I think she might have known it was the last time too. She lingered.

And then, all of a sudden, it was over. Dean was getting out of the shower, and Amelia heard the water go off. She jumped up and said "Towel!" (She likes to hand us our towels.) She got down from the bed by herself ("Self! Self!") and she was gone.

I have to admit, I cried, but just a little. It really is time.

I have a gmail account that I got when I started this blog, but I really don't use it. It's somehow connected to my phone, though, and I had to get my phone reset because it wasn't working. They told me I might need to get my saved phone numbers and pictures through my gmail account. When I signed in, I saw that I had 1,443 unread messages. They are all from astrology.com. Apparently, about 1443 days ago I signed up for a daily horoscope and used the gmail address. When I saw all the messages, I thought that surely 1443 unread horoscopes would make a good subject for a poem. This morning, I remembered them and opened the message for today:

Forget caution, discretion, and waiting for the best time to act. You're all done, and it's time to let that fact be known.

Bye-bye, mik. I am deeply thankful you could serve us so well.

The Cruelest Month*

I woke up this morning full of thoughts and ready to write. By (Amelia's) naptime I am worn out. I have lost all of my energy. She has been on full speed since the moment she woke up. We heard her in her crib yelling "No! No!" As soon as she got out of bed she wanted to "See! See!" everything in her path. We spent at least 5 full minutes naming all the items on a high bathroom shelf. The moment she came downstairs she was off and running. It took about five more minutes for the floor to be covered with Cheerios, baby dolls, and crayons.

Anyway. It was a good morning, just nonstop.

Oh and on the weaning front I decided it was better to cut back a little more quickly than I originally planned. Yesterday Amelia nursed only 4 times, remarkable since we went to toddler yoga--the last time we went, she nursed about 150 times in 45 minutes. Today she has nursed only twice, one long session right when she woke up and a short session when we came downstairs. If I stay on track from yesterday she will only nurse one more time, around 5:00 pm.

SOOO--seamless transition between breastfeeding and poetry--it's officially National Poetry Month. I am sure celebrations are abounding. I have been having a hard time deciding what to write about for my first post. I thought I might start with why I wanted to mark this month on my blog. For one, I don't think poetry gets enough attention. I think it is misunderstood as too hard, something mysterious and inscrutable. And to be honest--some of it is. But I think I also have been trying to figure out how to integrate more poetry into my own life, in which I exist primarily as a Mom, aka Homemaker. For pretty much all of my previous life, at least since late high school, literature in general and poetry in particular have been my main focuses, something I spend much if not most of my time reading, thinking about, studying, and teaching. But now... not so much. And, despite the fact that I have a graduate degree related to poetry, sometimes I feel lost answering people's basic questions about poetry in my life. These are questions like what kind of poetry I write, who are my main influences, even who are my favorite poets. So I guess I want to explore some of those questions here too.

Today, though, let's read some poems. Poets.org, which is a website I love, has collected a group of poems about poetry. A good place to start, I think. I am going to link to a few of them, and use these examples to explain some of the reasons I love poetry.(Note: any time the text is a different color, you can click on it to see the website I am linking to.)

I love poetry because it so often lets you connect seemingly unconnected things in a way that is often magical. In this poem by Sharon Olds, "Take The I Out," the title alludes to the idea that the personal self, or "I", doesn't belong in poetry. But in the poem, the I quickly becomes something else (while also remaining the first thing). And the end it becomes something else again.

I love poetry because it can let you create an entirely new universe. In this poem by John Brehm, "The Poems I Have Not Written," the title launches the poem into a world of hypothetical, of "ifs" and "mights" that lets the speakers live, for the space of the poem, somewhere else. Plus, it's funny.

And, despite what I said before, I love poetry because sometimes it IS mysterious and hard to figure out. The sad thing is that poetry tends to be taught in a very analytical way, as though poems had one right answer. As a (former?) teacher myself, I see the value in helping students learn to puzzle through poems, and one important way of doing that is helping them find in poems what others have found before them. However, an equally important skill is imaginative thinking. Let this poem, "And It Came to Pass" by C.D. Wright (who is one of my favorite poets for mysterious images and sentence fragments) mean whatever it means to you. And if parts of it don't make sense, let it not make sense. Read it--maybe read it aloud. And let it be.

If you have more time, read some more of these poems about poetry. And there is still time to send ideas for guest posts! Until tomorrow... happy NPM.

*A note on the title: if you have a couple of hours and a good tolerance for migraines, see this webpage. I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist the allusion.

The Plan

I have decided to wean. I even have a plan.

I am not sure what made me finally make this decision. I guess it's a combination of things. First, Amelia has a lot more teeth these days. Enough said there. Also, she is in stage of huge attachment to me. Sometimes I think she is more clingy and whiny just because I am around. I am starting to feel like nursing is just a habit for her, and one that is not always serving her well. And she is almost 18 months old, which is how old both I and my sister were when my mom weaned us, so 18 months has always seemed like a good age to wean to me because of that.

Not to say I am not conflicted. A couple of weeks ago, I checked out a bunch of books from the library with titles like Mothering Your Nursing Toddler and How Weaning Happens. Turns out all of the books were published by La Leche League. They did offer some good tips-- ways to distract a child from nursing, for example, and the fact that if you're not going to nurse, you are going to need to pay a lot of extra attention to your child--but overall the message from the books is that kids wean themselves when they are ready. Usually by age 4 at the latest. As in four. Years. Old.

Part of me--the part that really wanted to do yoga during labor, to give birth at home, to fire my male OB for a bescarved and tattooed midwife--still really wants to let Amelia wean herself. However, the part of that decided to stick with the male OB and give birth at a hospital strongly suspects that Amelia is one of those kids who would happily breastfeed till she is 4. Or 5. Or older. And that part of me has no interest in breastfeeding that long.

My plan is this. Yesterday, I cut off the nursing during naptime (again). I figure this would be hard but still maybe one of the easiest times to cut out because if Amelia is sleepy, she will eventually go to sleep. I told Amelia that we weren't going to have milk at naptime. She understood. She even said "no mama" as I was changing her diaper. I said, "Yes, you still have mama, just no milk!" and tickled her. She laughed. I kept doing that for a minute. It was funny. When it was time to put her down, we put some dolls and stuffed animals in her crib in case she was not sleepy right away. She looked interested. Then I sat in the glider and rocked her and sang. She snuggled and listened for about 2 seconds and then tried to nurse. "No milk at naptime," I said. I offered her water. She refused it. She cried. Angrily. I tried to rock her and sing, but she was having none of it. So I put her in the crib with the water.

She cried. Loudly and angrily.

Since Dean was home, he went up to sing to her like he does at bedtime. She cried. She was mad. But as soon as he left the room she went to sleep.

I, however, cried for quite awhile. In the meantime I was reading _Unbuttoned_, and in one essay about weaning, the author mentioned a study somewhere that asked older children who nursed about breastmilk. They said it was better than ice cream, better than cookies. Something about that made me cry and cry. I want Amelia to be happy and healthy. What if weaning is traumatic for her?

But, she woke up. She was fine. She ate Veggie Straws while sitting on my lap--actually, that could be called the first nursing session to go, the post-nap session, since the day I got some Veggie Straws for myself to eat while Amelia nursed after her nap. She snuggled in to nurse, looked at my snack, then sat up and took my bowl. And today at naptime, she only cried for about 3 minutes, then went to sleep. She is still sleeping.

To get back to the plan: although Amelia has never had an exact number of feedings a day, I have divided the day by feeding "sessions". There is first thing in the morning. The rest of the morning. Pre-nap (that's the one that's out this week). Afternoon. And evening. Each week, I will just say there is no milk right now for one of those sessions. So, if all goes according to plan, we'll be done in... 4 more weeks after this. Maybe sooner. She doesn't always do the evening. I am sure things won't go exactly as I plan. But at least I have a plan.

In my book, I came across another passage that stuck with me. It's in an essay called "Wean" by Catherine Newman. In it, she describes "accidentally" nursing her baby (who is 2 years old) a few weeks after she has weaned. It sums up how I am feeling these days:

I have loved nursing, but I have not cherished every moment of it because, frankly, there has just been too much of it. I savor these last few moments with the baby, the baby who is disappearing even as I hold her.

What's Going On

Time for a good, old-fashioned Amelia update. I'll sprinkle in a few pictures I just downloaded from my cell phone.



She is talking up a storm. She tries to repeat a lot of what we say, so I am trying even harder to eliminate the surprisingly high number of things I say that I would not want her to say. (I am not sure where I picked up such bad language. I'll blame my past students.)

Here are some of Amelia's new words:

fish
fall
up
down
apple
pear
pizza
crackers
two (as in, I want two crackers, two apples, etc. She wants one for each hand.)
Nanny
Luli
Poppa
Guru
Jes
Hea (for Heather) (She says these family names pointing at pictures; don't worry, we are working on the rest of the family but we need to put up more pictures!)
Momma
Daddy
shoes
boots
phone
pla (plate)
bowl
cup
fork
spoo (spoon)
slide
car
wa (wagon)
ride
dough (as in play dough)
star
moon
ca (helicopter)
Suki (or at least Su, she hardly ever says Gee anymore)
gaffe (giraffe)
no (She says no a lot.)
na (This is what it sounds like when she tries to say "another one" or "the other one" when there are two of things and she wants them; for example "put on my other shoe" or "where is the other baby.")
My mom just taught her yes ("ses") and, in relation to dirty diapers and things you should not put in your mouth, "nasty," which she says extremely clearly.

It's a fun time hearing her say new things. Oh, she also says "new." She loves "new" things. For example, she loves her new wagon, and she wants to ride in it every time she sees it. She also likes climbing on these little bouncy cars they have at the park, and she is proud because she can climb up on them all by herself--mostly. She has been climbing more and more--she can get up on the coffee table, and from there the couch. Scary. She likes to play with her farm animals, and her baby dolls, and her stuffed animals. She likes playing with play dough, but still pretty much just wants to chew on crayons. She can stack a couple of blocks without them falling, although she loves knocking down tall towers built by someone else. She is getting really good at putting small lids on things and has successfully sorted a few different shapes (star, circle, etc) in the sorting toy she has. She has started giving kisses, and will sometimes go through the room kissing all the animals and bringing them to whoever else is in the room so we can also kiss them. She also likes to feed things, making a little chewing sound as she does.



On the eating front, she is still nursing a few times a day, not nearly as much as when she came home from the hospital. She is not eating as much as she was when she came home from the hospital either, but that makes sense. She is falling back in what seems to be a more normal toddler pattern, eating a lot sometimes and hardly anything other times. she still loves noddles and rice and spinach and cheese, and she will usually eat a couple of servings of cut-up fruit a day, and she likes those tubes of yogurt for kids. Overall I feel happy with the amount she is eating and what she eats, which is a good feeling.

A note on teething--I feel like Amelia has been teething constantly since about 13 months. She keeps getting new teeth. Sometimes her gums seem to bother her, sometimes not. I have gotten better at recognizing teething signs like drooling, diaper rash, and gnawing on things, and Amelia realized that she loves Orajel, so it's not too bad. I do wonder if she is teething a lot today. She has a low fever.



Amelia seems to be almost totally over the stranger and new-place anxiety she had after the hospital. For quite awhile--and this partly explains the lack of recent posts, as I was too tired or too discouraged to write--she was not sleeping well. First she was waking up multiple times a night, sometimes screaming, a scared scream, not just a tired fuss. We really think she was having nightmares. Then that slowly faded, and she was sleeping through the night--until between 4 and 5 AM, when she was up for the day. But still tired. It would be one thing to rise at 4 each morning with a sunny, bright-eyed toddler, but this was coming downstairs and facing an immediate tantrum because you wouldn't let Amelia fling ground coffee all over the kitchen. So we started trying things. We tried earlier bedtimes. We tried later bedtimes. We tried leaving her in the crib for a long time, and then going to her right away. I tried nursing her back to sleep. We tried getting her to back to sleep in our bed. We tried early naps. Late naps. One nap, two naps. There were really no clear patterns to what worked and what didn't. One morning--I think it was last Sunday--she woke up at 5, Dean went to check on her and said night, night, and she was quiet. Then she fussed. Then she was quiet. And so on. About 30 minutes later, I gave up and went to her, but she wanted to nurse, and she fell asleep and slept for almost 2 more hours. (Of course Dean and I were wide awake, but whatever.) That return to morning sleep seemed to break the pattern, and she has been sleeping later, waking between 5:45 and 6:30, all week since then. We have been putting her down a littler later too, between 7 and 7:30. I also think, on a nap note, that it has helped to keep her up till at least 11 AM or noon even if she is sleepy earlier. She is definitely taking longer naps in the middle of the day, usually between 1 and a half and two hours, although they have been as short as an hour, and as long as, once last week, three hours and 15 minutes. That is an all time Amelia-nap record.

(In the interest of full disclosure, and for the record, I will note that I have been nursing her to sleep at naps. This started post-hospital and it has been so peaceful, so easy, so much better than the 10-20 minutes of pre-nap crying that went on every nap for the 5 weeks we tried not nursing at naps, that I have kept doing it. I know that it could have something to do with the bedtime problem, but... not willing to give it up yet.)




The one thing Amelia is still doing that seems related to hospital anxiety is having these horrible bedtime-related fits. They seem to be related to separation anxiety from me. She was crying a lot a bath time, so I started going into the bathroom with her, and now she cries when she is put in the crib. She can be perfectly happy, snuggling with Dean and reading stories, and then when it is time to actually go to bed, she just cries and cries. It is very stressful, and sad too because bath and bedtime had been such a peaceful and happy daddy-daughter time. But we are just hanging in there because one thing that seems true about raising a child is that nothing lasts, not the stuff you love but, luckily, also not the stuff you hate. It is just endlessly replaced with new stuff to hate--and luckily, new stuff to love.

Hospital Story, Part 2

So Dean and I left Amelia with the surgeons. We walked back up to our room where Dean's parents were waiting with dinner. It was hard to leave Amelia and I was scared but I also knew that she definitely was not going to get better without surgery. And we felt very good about the care she was getting at The Children's Hospital.

On yet another side note I want to say how amazing this hospital is. You should take some time to look at their virtual tour. It is a beautiful place and remarkably cheerful considering the fact that it is filled with sick kids. Every detail seems designed to engage children. It is filled with toys and sculptures and aquariums to play with and look at. Even the floors are beautiful--the main lobby floor is a collage of colorful birds and butterflies, and the floors in the elevator are studded with beads and glittery squiggles. And they have all these little red wagons for the kids to ride around in. There are playrooms and a library. There is a free daycare for siblings. There is a fabulous omelet bar in the cafeteria, and they make great pancakes too.

We had left Amelia for surgery at 6:20 PM, and the nurse said she would give us a call at 7:30 to let us know how things were going. As 7:30 approached and then passed, I got that nervous, faint-y feeling again. On the one hand, as I mentioned before, hospital time is not like real time. On the other hand, she had said "at" 7:30, not "around" or "close to" or something like that. She had said she would call us on the surgery waiting room phone if she couldn't reach Dean's cell, so I left Dean and his parents in the room and went back down to the waiting room. Then I was even more nervous there, so I called Luli and the nurse had just called Dean. When I got back up Dean relayed the nurse's report that Dr. Bruny had done everything she wanted to do, and we could meet the surgeons down in the waiting room in about twenty minutes.

So we went down and waited. When Dr. Bruny came out she said the surgery had gone well. Amelia's bowels had kind of rearranged themselves to block in her abscess so they were able to find and clean out the infection pretty easily, and they found and removed her appendix too. The only strange thing was that her appendix did not actually look perforated (aka burst). So they were not sure, if the appendix was in good shape, what would have caused the infection. But the doctor didn't seem concerned about it. I, however, immediately wondered if there was some sort of mystery disease Amelia could have that caused random weird infection in her body. But the doctor, again, didn't seem concerned. She said sometimes the appendix is perforated and you just can't see it, and sometimes you just never know what caused the problem.

I am going to fast forward here and say that we still really don't know what caused all this. Dr. Staetz told us that the germ that caused the abscess was a strep germ that usually abscesses in the brain, but the a surgeon told us it lived in the gut. (In any case it was not the same as the strep throat I was to get the following day.) The pathology report on Amelia's appendix showed that everything was consistent with appendicitis, although the pathologists did not see a perforation either. Picture a team of surgeons shrugging their shoulders here. Anyway, they fixed it.

So. Amelia was out of surgery and on morphine for pain and some other meds (an antibiotic, an anti-nausea drug, and maybe one more). The next day she mostly slept and was still very out of it. We were waiting and hoping for her to talk. But she still had this NG tube in (it goes from nose to belly and releases fluid and gas from the stomach), and she had to have these long braces on her arms so she wouldn't pull it out, so overall it was best that she was kind of in a morphine haze. The following day, Friday, I woke up feeling terrible, even for someone who had slept maybe 7 hours in the last 3 days. My throat was killing me and I thought I was going to collapse. The nurse checked my temperature and I had a fever, so Jim drove me home to rest for awhile. We got back to the hospital around 5 PM, and honestly I don't remember Amelia's state exactly. I know had already removed the NG tube and that we were waiting for her to start passing gas to relieve her swollen belly so they would not have to put the tube back in. I think sometime that day she started saying a few words and saying her animal sounds. Overall she was improving and already in much better shape.

Friday night was fairly peaceful for Amelia but horrible for me because of my sore throat. An angelic nurse gave me her own personal numbing cough drops, which go me through the night. First thing Saturday morning I drove to a nearby Urgent Care center and got a strep test, which was positive, so I got some penicillin. After I got that in my system, I started feeling better pretty quickly. However we were still worried about Amelia's distended belly. The doctors were saying that if she didn't start passing gas soon they would have to put back in the NG tube. Since Amelia was very aware of what was going on at this point, we all really wanted to avoid that. It would have made her totally miserable. She can't stand it when something is touching her face or stuck to her hands. She doesn't even like to wear a hat. So a tube taped to her face and itching her throat and nose would have been quite a trial. Plus putting the thing in is no picnic and having witnessed it once I was planning on being very vocal about not wanting the tube unless it was totally dire. Luckily, Amelia gradually got gassy. We were infinitely relieved.

Sunday was a day of waiting for poop. She was allowed to breastfeed again, and she was very happy about that. (I had requested a hospital pump and was pumping for maybe 5 minutes a night. I was too tired to do any more. Honestly I had come to terms with the idea that this might be the end of breastfeeding, but it all worked out okay.) Once Amelia had some milk, she started having more bowel sounds and finally some poop. Monday she ate some solid foods--Cheerios, rice and noodles Luli made and brought, some crackers. We had high hopes for going home on Tuesday. However, it was not to be. A blood test Tuesday morning showed that Amelia's white blood cell count was still slightly too high for the doctors' comfort. Dean and I were very frustrated because they told us that to go home, Amelia needed to be eating and pooping, and she was doing that. After several conversations with the surgeons we got the message that their decision might have more to do with medical liability than Amelia herself. Dean and I were frustrated because not only were we both tired of living in the hospital, we could tell that Amelia was just getting worn out. It was very hard for her to get much rest with nurses and doctors and who knows who else coming in and out of her room all the time. She looked exhausted and when we brought her back to our floor from a wagon ride, she would whimper when she saw where we were. And at lunch, when Amelia was sitting in my lap holding chicken finger in one hand and a cheese quesadilla in the other, it seemed plain silly to be in the hospital. But we made ourselves get over the frustration and tell ourselves that if out biggest problem with Amelia's doctors was that they were too careful, we were in good shape. (It turns out you can be frustrated and grateful at the same time. It was a spiritually interesting moment for me to realize that.)

Tuesday night was happy in that we had high hopes for getting out of the hospital the next day, and I even had hopes for a good night because the doctors had agreed that Amelia did not have to have her vitals checked while she was sleeping. Dean brought Thai food and the gratefulness in us had overcome the frustration. I have always tried to be grateful about Amelia's health, reminding myself when I am tired or frustrated how lucky I am to have a healthy baby. But I don't think I ever really appreciated it until we went through this. The truth is that what we went through, while obviously stressful, is nothing compared to what so many of the kids and parents in that hospital were and are going through. What was wrong with Amelia was not chronic and it is fixable. It is fixed. We are so grateful that she does not have cancer or a million other things that she just as easily could have. I still am thinking about those parents and kids many times a day, wishing them peace and strength. We are so, so lucky.

And I also want to thank everyone out there who sent us thoughts of healing and of love, who prayed for Amelia, who offered to help us with anything we needed, who called and texted and brought food and magazines and sent Amelia toys and crayons and balloons and cards. Each of those things really was so helpful. I knew I had good friends in Denver, but I didn't know how good they were until this! And we were especially lucky to have Dean's parents around. It will not go down as their best vacation ever, but their presence made it so much easier for Dean and me to get through the week. And even with so many of our friends and family members so far away, it was so helpful for me just to know how many people were thinking about Amelia, sending her support.

Wednesday morning, I woke up to a surgeon entering the room. He walked over to my air mattress and said, "Do you feel like going home today?"

Yes! And, although I was prepared to wait around most of the day for the discharge ball to get rolling, we ended up getting out of there pretty quickly because the hospital was totally full and they needed our room. Amelia got her last tube removed (note to surgeon: quietly singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" while removing a main line from a screaming child is more sinister than comforting) and we got our instructions and off we went.

So we have been home two nights now. Amelia is getting better and better. She was wary at first, kind of looking around wondering where we had been for so long. You can tell her incision hurts when she squats down and tries to stand back up, and she is definitely not as agile or quick as she was before the surgery, but she already moving more and seems to be in less pain. Also, she is still a little overly poopy from her antibiotics. However, I just talked to a nurse and she said the poop sounds like a normal side effect. So I think we are in good shape.

I am very glad to have told this story and put it behind us. Look for some Amelia pictures to be posted soon--live from Denver, now appendix-free.

Diary of...Well, You'll See

I started this post at the beginning of this week. I had planned to do another week or so of entries before I published it, but it is getting kind of long, and changes are happening so quickly that it is already getting hard to follow. Basically, I meant this to be a record of our attempt to wean Amelia from nursing before bedtime and at night. But, as you will see, the week didn't go exactly as I planned...

January 3, 8 AM:

About two months ago, I signed up for a writing class that meets every 3rd Monday from 6:30-8:30 PM. It begins just at Amelia's bedtime. So for months, we have wondered what will happen when Amelia can't nurse before bedtime. We discussed and even planned on trying a nursing-free bedtime before the class started, but inertia and apprehension and the ease of the familiar made us never follow through.

But time went by, and tonight my class starts, but Dean will put Amelia to bed by himself. So obviously, there will be no nursing. I feel nervous, both about the class and about about leaving Amelia. But Dean is not nervous at all, so I am not too worried. I am sure it will work out some way or another.

January 3, 9 PM:

I am home from my class! I loved it, but before I could tell Dean anything about it I had to hear about bedtime. Amelia had her bath and stories as usual, then Dean moved into her bedroom and rocker her for a few minutes. When he put her in the crib, she was super mad and screamed. But only for a few minutes. He went back in to pat her and reassure her after a minute or so, then planned to wait 3 or 4 more minutes before going in again. But in the meantime--

she fell asleep.

He seemed worried about her crying, and I am sure it was that horrible loud angry screaming that is terrible to listen to. But--hey, only 5 minutes! This for a baby who is super attached to nursing, and who has been nursed immediately before going to bed and taking a nap since she has been going to bed and taking naps. Her whole life.

January 4, 11:30 AM:

Due to indecision, sleepiness and perhaps missing Amelia at bedtime I ended up getting up at 3:30 am to nurse Amelia back to sleep, and then she woke up at 5:30. I felt grouchy and discouraged this morning, especially since Amelia was tired and whiny and kept trying to nurse every 5 minutes.

But somehow, during the course of the morning, I convinced myself that now is the time to seize the moment and make a change. I I don't do something now, who knows when I will make a change.

I have decided I only want to nurse 3 times a day: first thing in the morning, pre-nap--but NOT as a going-to-sleep method--and in the late afternoon, say 5:15 or so.

So, this morning, in between distracting Amelia from nursing with cow's milk, pears, apples, cheese, a Nutra-Grain bar and who knows what else, I moved the glider into our bedroom. Amelia was concerned. She didn't seem to like it. Then, I kept A up till 10:45, even though she was super sleepy early on, from getting up so early.

Then, in the glider in our bedroom, I nursed her, for just a few minutes. Then we stopped nursing and read stories. She held her giraffe lovey as usual through the stories. After 3 books, I decided to nurse her just a tiny bit more, through one round of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." When the song was over, I moved Amelia into her crib. She was sleepy, but wide awake.

Angry screams ensued.

Butterflies in my stomach, I went back in after 2 minutes, then 5. She was standing up both times, clutching her giraffe, her little face all red and teary. I hugged her and said night night and laid her back down each time. I was waiting 10 more minutes before I went in again, but in the meantime, her angry screams faded to sad wails, then a tired whimper, and now:

silence.

I feel like this is the start of a brand new world.


January 4, 7:00 PM

Dean just put Amelia to bed while I made dinner. I made myself scarce and he did the whole bedtime routine by himself again. I was making dinner feeling a little sad, but mostly not. It's time.

Dean came downstairs. Upstairs:

silence.

He took in to the bedroom, gave her a little hug, which she returned, and put her in bed. She snuggled up with her giraffe, made a little noise, and--we assume--went straight to sleep!

January 5, 6:45 AM

Amelia slept soundly through the night until 4:30, a success that is overshadowed by the fact that she went back to sleep for only 15 minutes or so (after 5-10 minutes of crying). She was shouting and fussing again by 5:00, so after 15 minutes of that I just got up with her. I thought then Dean could get some more sleep, and to be honest I was ready to nurse.

When I went in Amelia's room, though, she was rolling around in the way she does when she is trying to go to back sleep. She sat up when she saw me, so I picked her up and we went downstairs. I sat with her to nurse, and she did--for about 20 seconds. Then she started crying and refusing my breast. "No, no," she said.

What in the world.

It quickly became clear that Amelia was not ready to get up. She is whiny and fussy and yawny. She was actually crying less in her crib than she has been since she has been up.

Her refusal of nursing has me truly dumbfounded. Yesterday morning she tried to nurse like 35 times. I was really happy with the plan of some nursing. Now my left breast is at least 2 cup sizes larger than the right and is leaking milk all over my bathrobe. And I am sad to think that I might have nursed for the last time without knowing it. Surely not. But who knows.

11:00 AM:

All morning, Amelia refused to nurse. I alternated between feeling sad and worried that nursing is over and surprised and relieved that weaning might be this easy. Before A's nap, we read books in the glider again. She nursed for a few seconds and then stopped, seeming to prefer to read. She patted my boob a lot while we read but refused to nurse every time I offered. Then we finished the books, and she said "Bye-bye?" like she does sometimes at night at bedtime. I said, "Night, night" and carried her into the bedroom. She was crying before we got to the crib. She screamed for a few minutes again, and I went in once but she had wound down enough in 3 or 4 minutes after my first reentry that I didn't go in again. After she was asleep I went in to check on her and her giraffe was on the floor. She throws it out when she is mad.

So sad.

To make matters worse I came upstairs to write this but before I did I googled self-weaning and 15 months and discovered that there is a such thing as a nursing strike. The LLL site I read (bad idea) gave me the impression that A could be not nursing because her feelings are hurt, something I actually said to Dean this morning. So now I feel guilty on top of everything else. Maybe she will nurse later. I really am not ready to wean totally. I was hoping for at least 3 more months of peaceful morning and afternoon sessions. But if it's a choice between not nursing at all and continuing the way we were going, with me being the only one who could put A to bed, or to soothe her at night, and with her nursing a million times a day with all of those teeth--then I guess I prefer this. But I am still sad.

Motherhood, will you ever stop being so confounding???

January 6, 11 AM:

I got over my worries (sort of) yesterday afternoon with encouragement from both my mom and from Dean that A is just probably ready to wean. Of course that didn't help my giant, swollen breast, but it was a start. And, I realized something amazing: I COULD GO TO AN EVENING YOGA CLASS. Gasp! I don't have to be at home to put Amelia to bed anymore!

So that is what I did. Dean got home at 5:15 or so and he and A left for swimming lessons, and I left for a yoga class! I was exhausted and hungry and very happy. It was not the most fabulous class ever as the instructor kept doing all of these cobra type poses that were not working well with my boob... situation. I just kept not doing those poses until he came over and asked if everything was okay.

"Yes," I said. He hovered, obviously wanting an explanation. I was not sure where to begin.

Finally, I just gestured to my left boob and said, "I'm weaning."

He looked blank.

"I'm weaning a baby," I said.

"Oh... okay," he said. "Let me know if I can do anything to help."

Okay, buddy! I don't think he understood what I said. Probably not something you get a lot of in the way of special conditions that affect your yoga practice. I was still super happy to be at a yoga class.

Anyway, Dean again put baby A to bed with no trouble. She cried out a few time last night, but only for a few minutes, not even long enough to make me wake up and look at the clock. She woke up around 5:20 or 5:30, and Dean got up with her at 5:45 when it was clear she was not going back to sleep. This morning, again, she said "No, no" to nursing, although she did try for just a second. I held her while she drank milk from a cup and ate Cheerios and tried not to be sad. She ate a big breakfast, a whole blueberry waffle with peanut butter and some raspberries and more milk. Then we went out to the store and she saw the Snap Pea Crisps I was buying and ate some of those.

Then we started a new activity, Mommy and Me Toddler Yoga, new to a nearby Denver studio. I am super excited about it. It was great fun. Toward the end of it Amelia got tired and clingy and...

NURSED

for about 5 minutes. It was a huge relief because my breast was swollen to the point that my whole arm hurt when I raised it over my head. And I really would like it if she would nurse just occasionally for a few more months. I am worried about what would happen if she got sick or something. Anyway, after 5 minutes, maybe less, I distracted her and we went back to yoga. On the way home she was falling asleep in her carseat just as we pulled in to the garage, so we came in and I did the stories in the glider thing. She did not cry until I actually placed her in her crib, but then she cried a LOT, a little over 20 minutes. It would be great if she would go down for naps as easily as bedtime, but naps are always harder than bedtime, at least for A. Anyway now she is peacefully snoozing and I am enjoying having a moderately pliable left breast.

January 7, 11:45 AM:

Yesterday afternoon, Amelia nursed twice more, once at the park and again when we got home, around 5:00. I temporarily abandoned the plan to limit her to the three times a day until she gets into the swing of the new routine.

Today's nap went better than yesterday. A only cried for 7-10 minutes. Bedtime continues to be a huge success. AND, Amelia is sleeping all the way through the night! I feel more rested already. Unfortunately, A seems to think the end of the night is at 4:30 or 5:00 AM, But when she gets up at those times, she is sleepy and fussy all morning. So that will be our next battle, I guess.

As I wrap up this week of big changes, I am very glad both that we have finally broken the pattern of nursing to sleep and that Amelia decided to nurse again, not only for my breasts' sake. I was sad to think that I had nursed for the last time unknowingly. I like the closeness and cuddlyness of nursing, and I like knowing that I have some milk in case Amelia gets sick and doesn't want to eat. It's still cold and flu season, after all. I would like to continue breastfeeding 2-3 times a day till 18 months, at least. Of course if this week has shown anything it's that you can't make plans with a baby. So we will see.

Breaking News: Motherhood Remains Challenging Beyond Baby's First Year

I don't know when I am going to stop being surprised that parenting is hard work.

I guess when you have a newborn and you are shocked and exhausted, everyone's first instinct is to tell you that "it gets easier." I have told several new moms and dads that very thing over the past 14 months. And it is true: compared to having a newborn, having a 14 month old is much easier. But every day presents new challenges. I never seem to hit the stride I keep expecting to hit.

The main issue continues to be sleep. We went to a playgroup the other day and it seemed like all the other moms were radiantly well-rested. Their babies, all roughly Amelia's age, sleep 12 or 13 (13!) hours a night. (Well, there was one other mom whose baby sleeps worse (much worse) than Amelia. Interestingly, Amelia and that baby are the only ones who are still breastfeeding.) Amelia was only waking up once around 4 am but since our return from Santa Fe she was been up at 1:30 and 4 or so and is more often than not up for the DAY at 5:30. We have been trying to let her work it out on her own but she has had a little cold and half an hour of crying is all I am willing to do when I know she is not in perfect health. After all, when I have a cold I wake up stuffy and thirsty and such. So if she does not go back to sleep within about half an hour, I go to her and nurse. I alternate wildly between thinking that this is the best thing for her and thinking that she is just in a bad habit of nursing back to sleep. Last night between 1:30 and 1:45 I had decided I was DONE nursing at night and I was not going to do it EVER AGAIN but by 1:45 Amelia sounded so sad and tired that I had to will myself to wait 10 more minutes to go to her. And when I did she was stuffy and her little cheeks were wet with tears. So I felt terrible for leaving her in there alone for even 25 minutes.

Self-doubt, anyone?

Obviously, I have not solved the sleep issue. Please let me know if you have the answer.

In other news, Amelia may not have been a toddler on her first birthday but she is definitely one now. She toddles from hither to yon all day long. She almost never crawls anymore. And: she has tantrums. Toddler tantrums. If she doesn't want to get into her carseat or her stroller, she arches her back and screams. If we won't let her, say, bite into a grapefruit or climb on the stove, she protests with gusto. She has her own agenda now and it involves exploring anything and everything at her own desired pace.

So one of the new challenges is to pick the right battles. We try to make our house so that we don't have to say "no" all the time but we can't anticipate every potential tantrum-causing event before it happens. I have been trying to pick a few things to be very firm about, like the aforementioned climbing on the stove. She has been trying to use the handle of the drawer under the stove as a stairstep and grabbing the knobs on the stove to pull herself up. Obviously that is very dangerous, especially if something is cooking. So when she does this I give a stern "No, no."

After I did this the second time I found out that Amelia may have inherited my very strong sensitivity to being scolded. I was, by all accounts, an excellent baby so I wasn't scolded very much but when I was I would cry and cry. (I also cried a lot.) I hated thinking that I had done something wrong and that anyone was mad at me. When Amelia turned around from the stove to see my grave expression her own face crumpled and she burst into tears. Not tantrum tears, hurt feeling tears.

So there again is a new challenge. I tried to simultaneously comfort her and emphasize that she can't climb on the stove.

The same thing happens when we remind her to be "gentle" to the Christmas tree. Actually after only a few times of this she really won't touch the tree at all and just looks at it. So I suppose we are doing something right, at least as far as holiday decorations are concerned.

It's so interesting watching Amelia's little personality. She is definitely more extroverted than both Dean and I combined, but she also seems to be a kind little soul. She hardly ever takes anything from another baby anymore, which is not kind of rare from what I have seen. She will walk up to the baby and his or her ball or whatever it is she wants to see and put out her hand, but then stop and just look. Of course if said baby does not "share" the item fairly soon, unless Amelia is distracted into playing with something else) it is another story.

The good news is that while parenthood certainly makes life infinitely more challenging, it makes like more interesting and more delightful to an equal degree. Amelia has been "dancing" and has moved from what Luli named "the cool jerk" to a little twist and bounce. It is adorable. She loves music. (I wonder where she gets that?) I will try to capture her new dance on video soon.

What else? Amelia eats a ton now. Some of her current favorites are soy sausages, Cheerios, cheese, rice, raspberies, pears, green beans from a can, chicken salad, and these Snap Pea Crisps. (Take the time to read the product description. It's hilarious.) She drinks a lot of whole milk from a sippy cup and recently discovered orange juice. And she is a pro with the sippy cup now, having finally learned how to hold it up. (I taught her (!) by making game of putting the sippy cup in my mouth and dramatically throwing back my head. I was proud.)

She can say "baby" for sure also "momma." She is working on replacing "ball" for "dog." She understands a ton of what we say to her, and will follow fairly complicated directions.

Her hair is getting very long and has to be brushed every morning--she wallows in her crib and wakes up with crazy bed head. To fix her hair, I put a towel in the sink and set her on the bathroom counter. She plays with the toothbrushes and things while I douse her with detangler and comb. And comb and comb. Then she gets a little ponytail.

In mommy news, if you remember that book contest I entered, I am pretty sure I did not win because I have heard nothing about it, but this spring I am going to take a class designed to help writers create their first book. It's not cheap, but I think it will be worth it, as it will get me out of the house and working with other writers again. (And since it is in the evenings, it will be a catalyst in making us learn how to put Baby A down without nursing.)

I obviously lost steam on my influential book project but I been reading, among many other things, Leaves of Grass. I promise to write about it soon. If you don't know anything about Leaves of Grass, it's got a really interesting history so check it out. (There will be a quiz.) I have also been reading a lot of other books. I am 1/4 to 1/2 into at least 3 novels and 4 books of poetry, plus two issues of Poetry and an article about the stock exchange from The New Yorker. I seem to have a short attention span.

Maybe I should use the remainder of naptime to read. Of course as I am typing this last sentence, Amelia is waking up.

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It is winter here. We woke up this morning (at 4:30, but I don't even want to talk about that) to a very lightly snow-coated world. Under the full moon, it was pretty and peaceful and I baked a pumpkin pie, but now the sun is out and it is windy and bright and terrible. Snow sparkle in the wind so you can see where the wind is going. And the wind is swirling.

I dislike winter. I think I have reptilian roots somewhere and part of my soul freezes when it is cold outside. I am vaguely but constantly itchy and grouchy. Baking, putting up Christmas trees, and drinking hot chocolate help, as does yoga and wearing my bathrobe all day long. Or big sweaters. As long as they don't itch.

I have been writing this morning so that explains some of the weirdness of my opening paragraphs. I am writing about dreams and from the voice of Ryan in Teen Mom, so I am bit out of my normal speaking voice.

We got the results about the lead. Turns out there is a little lead in the dust in several places in our house. We had some work done on the porch that exposed some old paint and some unseen chipped paint inside. So now the outside is cleaned and the inside has been touched up and I am doing to try to mop every other day. Hopefully that will solve the problem. Amelia will be retested in two more months.

I feel guilty for buying an old house and for not mopping it enough. You read all these articles and things that encourage moms to let the housework go a little--and then you find out there is lead in the dust on your floor. The irony is I sweep twice or even three times a day some days. But that just sweeps the lead dust around. Horrifying.

Something about winter is making it very clear to me that we have actually MOVED to Colorado and are not just here on an extended visit. I feel a little shocked. It also has to do with our first experience here that made me realize that we are essentially all alone. We had norovirus. (This was not actually diagnosed by a doctor but it was some sort of terrible stomach virus so I am calling it norovirus.) Amelia had mild symptoms last Saturday, the night before we were leaving for Santa Fe for a week (Dean had a conference for work). Saturday night, I also had symptoms, much less mild than Amelia's. All night. It was terrible. So at about 5:30 Sunday morning, I faced a dilemma. Option 1: In the aftermath of a terrible stomach virus, with a baby who also might still have a stomach virus, get on a plane. Option 2: Stay home, alone, with a stomach virus, and take care of a baby who might still have a stomach virus. Alone.

I have some very nice friends here, but they have babies too. And it takes a special friend to come over and take care of your baby and be exposed to your stomach virus so they can take said virus home to their babies. Pretty much the only person you can ask to do that is your mom. And all moms in my life are about 1500 miles away.

So I decided that if I could keep down some crackers and ginger ale, and if Amelia was okay, I would go. I did and she was, so we went.

We had a nice time in Santa Fe after about Tuesday. (Dean spent Monday battling the norovirus. To any Federal Public Defenders who find themselves feeling a bit under the weather this week, we offer our deepest apologies.) However, Amelia was oddly whiny for most of the week. I don't know if she missed her crib and her Gee and her high chair and her nightly YoBaby Yogurt Drink or if she was perplexed that we had apparently moved to a hotel room or what. But she was whiny. It got old. Also, she slept great in the hotel till the last night, when she woke up 3 times. And she has been making up 2-3 times a night since we got home Sunday.

We are still nursing. I am perplexed. Sometimes I want to quit and sometimes I don't want it to end. Before we left Amelia had pretty much weaned herself to 3 nursing sessions a day but traveling always makes her revert to the breastfeeding habits of a newborn and now it's like every time she sees me she dives for the boobs.

Who knows. Maybe after Christmas we will go cold turkey. We leave for NC again in about 3 and half weeks and I don't see the point in making any huge changes before then. I think after that we are going to swear off all travel till the spring.

This is not the cheerful Amelia Update I had intended to write. But now Amelia is awake. Until we meet again, my friends, drink a cup of hot chocolate for me.

Are You Sleeping? Continued...

Yes we are! We've been night weaning, and here's how things have been going:

CIO Night 2: Silence till 2:20. Yelling--not crying, just angry "Ba-ba-ba"'s for about an hour. Real crying for about 10 minutes. Dean went in to check. Initially, more angry crying, maybe 5 minutes worth, then silence. Slept till 6:15 or so with no night nursing.

CIO Night 3: Loud and sudden yell at 3:45. Silence. Babbling increasing to crying-ish sounds at 4:00. Waited a couple of minutes, nursed. Silence for 15 minutes, then quiet talking. Slept till 6:30 or later.

CIO Night 4: Less than one minute of crying at about 2:00. Crying at 4:30. Nursed, slept till 6:30.

CIO Night 5: No crying till 5:45. Nursed, slept till 7:00.

CIO Night 6: No crying till around 4:00. Nursed, slept till 6:45.

I forget what night we are on now, but the last couple of nights have looked a lot like night 6.

Yea!

I couple of things have really helped this time around. The main one is my true and firm commitment to not nursing Amelia between bedtime and 4am. Before I might have given in at 3:00 or 3:30 or 3:45, and the thought did cross my mind those first nights, but I stuck to my rule. It has really helped because nursing at 3:30 one night can lead to 3:00 the next, then 2:30, and suddenly it's 11:30 and you find yourself wrenched from your deep sleep and walking to the crib. I actually see now that we probably could have just gone with no night nursing at all--no milk till the morning--but the 4am limit helped me hang in there those first nights because I knew that at least we would get a few more hours of sleep in the early morning. I think I will go for total night weaning in a month or two, after we are (HOPEFULLY) more used to this new pattern, and I am able to bear the thought of losing those early morning hours of sleep for a few nights.

NOW... we are in the battle of the naps. I think Amelia might be switching from two naps to one. Notice how she did this just as I had gotten totally settled into the pattern of two naps. My days have gone nothing like that schedule I posted since the day I posted it. It has helped with the allotment of chores throughout the week, but that's it. She has been heartily resiting each and every nap. I am a bit at a loss about what to do. I think I am going to try moving her morning nap back later and later till I find a time at which she will go to sleep with less than 15 minutes of fussing and sleep for more than an hour. Preferably more than 2 hours if it's going to be her only nap. That's the ideal, anyway; we'll see what actually happens.

Deja Vu...

So we are crying it out again. After consulting with several other breastfeeding mothers I decided that I had to make up my mind either to commit to night weaning or accept the fact that Amelia was going to wake up 1-3 times a night for however long and not worry about it anymore. Then Tuesday night, she woke up 3 times, at 11:30, 2:00 and 4:00. The anger I felt about being wrenched out of all my deep sleep plus the exhaustion and despair I felt on and off all day yesterday indicated to me that I need to commit to night weaning. Yesterday morning it was like I had had no break from Amelia at all and I did not feel like playing, talking, singing, or reading board books. Since those are important parts of my job, I decided:

no more milk between bedtime and 4 am.

I explained the new plan to Amelia yesterday evening as she went to sleep. She seemed game.

Last night she cried, on and off, for 20 minutes at 12:30, less than 5 minutes at 3:00, and then again 4:45, when I went to her. Oddly, she cried LOUDLY when I put her back down after the 4:45 feeding, but only for about 5 minutes. Then she slept (mostly--there was some faint babbling) till just after 7:00 am.

Whew.

It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Of course I was wide awake between 12:30 and after 2:00.

I am hoping that after 3 nights she will be back into her previous pattern of sleeping most of the night... and then, one fine day, I will be able to sleep all night too.

Eat, Play, Sleep

It's been awhile since I have recorded Amelia's current habits and such and I thought eat, play and sleep would be good organizing topics.

Let's start with the most fun, play:

as you might have noticed from the recent videos, Amelia is a very fun girl. She started crawling at about 9 and a half months and has been on the move ever since. She quickly progressed to pulling up to stand on couches, chairs, benches, and anything else she can reach, including, this week, the bottom of the refrigerator. She likes to take the magnets off of it. She can now stand on both legs without holding onto anything with her hands for several seconds at a time, and has even started to "cruise," or move short distances between items she can hold on to.

Also around the end of 9 months, Amelia discovered books. We were reading this book I got from the library called "Baby Loves Peekaboo." It has flaps that open to reveal hidden cats, bears, toys and babies. The pictures are photographs, not drawings, and A loves to look at "real" babies. So we were reading and all of a sudden she seemed to notice that the could open the flap and see the babies. She was delighted. After that we introduced story time into the bedtime routine--more on that below.

Some of A's other favorite activities are rolling around on a stack of three comforters and pillows on the living room floor, turning the pages of various board books, taking all of the credit and other cards out of my wallet, tackling and biting large stuffed animals, and standing at her toy box, removing toys one at a time. Oh, and throwing things! She loves to throw and roll balls, but also enjoys throwing other toys--and sometimes, while she is eating, she throws spoons, forks, and small pieces of food. We take it as a sign that she is no longer hungry.

Speaking of eating:

Just this week, I FINALLY got Amelia to eat babyfood. As we recall, she has loved solids for some time, and by that I mean actual solids: only food she can pick up herself. She loves cheese, rice, beans, Cheerios, toast, bread, tortillas, tofu, black bean burgers, little bits of spinach, these odd chalky puffs of freeze dried yogurt they now make for babies, and any type of meat she has tried. But she generally avoids being spoon fed with all of her will and might. It may seem easy to put a spoon into a baby's mouth but unless the baby wants the spoon there, it is not. She has a few exceptions to spoonfeeding, such as peaches, instant oatmeal, and ice cream (which she has only had 2 or 3 times), but none of that helps me get more vegetables into her little body--it's hard for her to eat vegetables because generally if they are soft enough for her to chew, they are also too wet and slippery for her to keep hold of. She can pick up peas, but does so only so that she can throw them on the floor. So I have been trying various ways to sneak in the veggies: spreading a thin layer of pureed green beans onto bread, attempting to pass off sauteed yellow pepper as peaches, etc. None of this has really worked. Then I saw this new kind of babyfood that comes in little plastic pouches, like Capri Sun. It's fancy sparkly organic babyfood supposedly made by "real chefs." It has a little tube at the end and while the idea seems to be that you can squeeze as much as you need into a bowl, I thought why couldn't you just squeeze it directly into the baby's mouth.

It turns out this stuff is delicious. (I take Caroline's advice of long ago to always taste whatever you put into your baby"s mouth.) I mean it is really delicious. The roasted sweet potatoes taste like Thanksgiving dinner. If for some reason you ever have to be off solid foods (wisdom teeth removal?), stock up on this stuff. So I have been feeding it to Amelia while she plays. I can't get as much in her while she is officially eating and sitting at her high chair because she starts to want to hold the tube and do it herself and then half of the babyfood, which costs 1 million dollars per ounce, ends up on her face, her clothes, my clothes, and the floor. But while she is playing I can sneak the tube up to her mouth and she will take a sip, realize it is delicious, then take some more. The go back to playing, and repeat.

I have had the most success with the flavors that mix fruits and veggies, like this afternoon's "blueberry pear purple carrot." But I have high hopes for "spinach pear peas" and "pumpkin corn apple."

So that is eating. She is now officially breastfeeding a number of times a day that I can count, which is 7: when she wakes in the morning, again awhile after she wakes up, before her morning nap, about half an hour after her nap, before her afternoon nap, early evening, and bedtime. Then once more at about 4 am.

I guess that sounds like a lot. Actually some books say that a baby will nurse 6-8 times a day by 3 months or something like that. At some point, maybe 5 months, I realized that Amelia was nursing way more than what most books described as common, and I called the DC Breastfeeding Center about it. The LC told me that just like some adults, some babies were grazers. "Sometimes you want a whole meal," she said, "but sometimes you just want a bagel. Sometimes you just want a cup of coffee." Amelia has cut out most of her coffee breaks. When she does nurse now, it's only for about 5 minutes.

Ironically, just when I was ready to move on to sleep, Amelia is waking up from her nap. And I am sure you are all at the edge of your seats about Amelia's sleep! I usually am. So, to be continued...

For the Record

Friday night: 2x crying out, 1x crying and calling for 30+minutes (3:30am, 1 feeding)

Saturday night: 2x crying and calling for 30+ minutes (11:00 and 3:30, 2 feedings)

Sunday night: 0x crying or calling! Amelia slept from about 7pm-5:30 am. !!! (0 feedings! And I slept well too!)

Monday night: TBA...

Things change. Can you?

"The good news is things change. Babies grow out of everything. The bad news is things change. Can you?"

--Karen Maezen Miller, Momma Zen

Amelia went to see her new Denver pediatrician yesterday. She is a kind, grandmotherly woman with a reassuring air of care and confidence. Amelia is doing well. She weighs 20 pounds and 11 ounces (which is at the 50th percentile for weight) and is 29 and 3/4 inches long (95th percentile for height!). She is on track developmentally, and she was quite charming during her appointment, ripping up the paper on the examining table and babbling at the doctor.

Toward the end of the visit, the doctor asked me if Amelia slept through the night. "No," I replied.

You might have noticed that I stopped writing about Amelia's sleep. (It gets tedious.) Since we got settled after the move, her sleep hasn't been terrible. She has been waking once or twice a night, and a couple of times in the last 10 days she has slept through the night till 3 or 4 am.

But I never sleep as well as Amelia does. I have a track record of sleeping horribly on the very nights she sleeps great. In fact, the first night she slept for a 6-hour stretch, I was up at midnight with horrible stomach pains. We almost went to the emergency room. On the nights when Amelia sleeps well, I still wake up every 2-3 hours. I don't know if I am just used to waking up, or if I sleep lightly because I am listening for her, or what. The point is that I am still tired. Sometimes very tired. When you NEVER sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours straight, it wears you down.

I've been feeling okay, though. The pressure of having to teach is gone, which helps a lot. Amelia is a lot of fun during the day, which also helps. And there is another passage from Momma Zen that has helped me, too:

Fatigue is a gift. Like many of the gifts that come to mothers, it is not one you would choose, like a spa vacation, but one you can use, like a humidifier. It is a cure and a balm. When you are tired, you let go. You drop what you do no longer need and you do pick it up again. You slow down. You grow quiet. You take comfort. You appreciate the smallest things. You stop fighting.

It was rather a revolutionary idea for me that tiredness could be a balm. But it can. I tried it. It works. Just accepting the fact that I was tired, that I was not going to sleep for 12 or 10 or 8 hours straight (or 6 or probably even 4), made me realize that neither was I totally DEAD tired. I am no longer so exhausted that I can't have fun playing with Amelia, or write for an hour or two in the morning, or linger over dinner talking to Dean, or any number of other things that for months, it seems, in the back of my mind I have constantly been thinking "I am too tired to do this. I can not go on."

So the point is we have pretty much been merrily rolling along. But when the doctor then said, "You should think about night weaning. The milk at night is not so good for the baby's teeth," I felt a swell of excitement and relief rise from my belly to my chest to my brain.

Here was an out. A medically-endorsed reason to stop the once or twice a night, 10-minute interruption to my sweet dreams.

And then there is the whole thing about letting the baby learn to go back to sleep on her own. So I took it. Last night, the plan was to let Amelia learn to go back to sleep on her own. As we were going to bed, I got all panicky about letting her cry, but the plan was for one of us to check on her, and I was free to impose a 10 or 20 or whatever seemed appropriate time limit on the crying.

At 11:30, she cried out. I was wrenched from a deep and dreamless sleep. I sighed and turned over. I looked at the clock. She cried out again. I planned to go to her in 10 minutes. But in about 20 minutes, I realized I was dozing--in silence. She had gone back to sleep almost right away.

At 12:30, she cried out once and went back to sleep.

At 1:20, I woke up. I had to pee. (That's another thing I am battling--a body that still hasn't broken the pregnancy habit of peeing every 2 hours.) When I got back in bed, I was wide awake. I think I was partly just expecting Amelia to wake up soon, but something else was bothering me. I finally realized what it was:

I missed her.

I missed baby Amelia in the darkness of the wee hours, the one who quiets as soon as I pick her up, curls her body around mine in the glider, and nurses herself back to sleep.

Talk about ironic.

Baby Amelia is waking up from her nap, so I will finish quickly. The end of the story (up to this point) is that I was wide awake from that moment until 3:30 am. Amelia woke at 3:00 and was awake for over half an hour, fussing, babbling, then crying, so finally I went to her. We will try again tonight. But what popped into my head as I ealized I missed her, and also that she really does not need me to go to her, was the quotation I started with: Things change. Can you?