401

This is my 401st post on QuestionAir. What better way to celebrate than with an old-fashioned Random Update?

The sweet

Amelia is a sweetheart. She loves to sing. She has been watching short nursery rhyme videos on the ipad (look for "Mother Goose Club" or "Snap Smart Kids" on YouTube) while I clean up in the mornings, and it is one of her favorite things to do. She has not liked TV much in the past so it is a relief to have found something that will entertain her for 10 or 15 minutes.

She will sing along to the videos and sing them by herself while she is playing, but she also likes to makes up her own nonsense words to the tune of the rhymes. She makes herself (and me and Dean) laugh and laugh doing this. I will try to post a video soon.

In other playtime news, she very much likes her baby dolls. She will rock them, sing to them, feed them, and also make them whine and then try to figure out what's wrong with them. I wonder where she got that from? It actually brings us around to

The not-so-sweet

We have had our fair share of whining and bratty two-year-old behavior these days. The worst is mysterious whining early in the morning. Amelia will go from happy and sunny to a big toddler mess in a fraction of the second. I can usually discern reasons for the bad moments--teething or hunger or tiredness, for example. I feel like I have been blaming the whining on Amelia's two-year molars for about two years, but THEY ARE STILL NOT IN. She is sometimes overtired because she is not napping--more on that below. But sometimes the behavior just feels like plain old bad behavior.

For example, Amelia likes to climb into her car seat by herself. She usually does it reasonably quickly. "Reasonably quickly" in Amelia-time means much longer than in regular time, but I can deal. However, yesterday she wouldn't climb in and wouldn't climb in, and I was standing in the snow (!) waiting, so finally I said, "Amelia, please climb in your carseat or I am going to put you in it."

"I wanna do it by myself," she said.

"Okay," I said. "Then do it, please."

And she VERY, VERY slowly moved about one inch toward the seat. She stopped to look at me with wide and what can only be described as testing eyes. She wanted to see how much I was going to put up with or how slow she could go.

So I picked her up and put her in. This did not go very well. Have you ever tried to put unwilling two-year-old in a carseat? I felt terrible forcing her in it, but it felt like one of those parent moments when you have to follow through or things will get much worse. She cried about wanting to do it by herself. I said I understood and that next time she got in, she would have another chance to try again to climb in by herself right when Mama asked her to. We held hands and I talked about feelings. (Mama feels frustrated when Amelia doesn't do what Mama asks her to; Amelia feels angry that she did not get into her seat by herself.) She calmed down. The next time we had to get in the car, I reminded her she had one chance to get in quickly, and she did it.

So that problem is now solved forever, right?

The other thing we are working on is saying please and thank you. Amelia absolutely refuses to say thank you to anyone when we are out, like if the librarian gives her a special stamp. I know she feels shy so I don't push that much for now, but at home she sometimes sounds like a tiny dictator. "Mama, get me that juice." "Daddy, I want that toy." So last week, I wrote "PLEASE" and "THANK YOU" on some leftover Valentine hearts. Amelia decorated them with stickers and we taped them up all over the house. It reminds me and Dean to model please and thank you in our requests to Amelia and to each other, and to repeat Amelia's requests in a polite way before we fulfill them. I have been trying to avoid turning asking her say please for things into a power struggle, mainly by getting really excited when she does say it, especially on her own. I just try to remember that like everything else, teaching manners is a process.


Speaking of sleep

Naps are rare. It seems like Amelia tends to nap on Wednesdays, for some reason. Usually she just plays in her bed for an hour or so, sometimes happily, sometimes suddenly yelling "Mama, come here!" in the middle of her playtime. If she does fall asleep, she will sleep for about two hours. She continues to sleep very well at night, and I continue to be extremely thankful for that fact. When she doesn't nap, we put her to bed early. Last night she was in bed at 6:45. She talked and sang to herself for awhile and then fell asleep by 7:15, and slept till 6:25 this morning.

Teeth

Dear two-year-molars, you are terrible things. Please grow more quickly.

Mama's life

Since not being accepted to DU, I have been a little overwhelmed at how quickly all of the other things I wanted to do, writing-wise, have started to happen. I signed up for a poetry workshop, and that is going very well. I took a book review class and contacted an editor about writing my first review. I was contacted, out of the blue, about teaching a youth poetry class for an 8-week session. And, through a friend, I applied and was accepted to write at Examiner.com. I am now the "Denver Stay-at-Home Mom Examiner." You can read my first article here.

Several people have asked my if I will apply to DU again next year. I will not. I did my best on the application, and I am fairly if not totally certain that the reason I was not accepted is that my writing was simply not a good fit for the program. If you're not particularly into contemporary poetry, this might not make much sense, but the short explanation is that DU and the journal it produces, the Denver Quarterly, is known for experimental writing. I am not an experimental writer. (I could get into how all writing is experimental, but as far as the label "experimental" goes, it doesn't apply to me.) There are other programs I am confident I could get into, thank you very much, but they are in places very far from Denver, so for now I am going to keep working and writing on my own and look for other ways to create the writing life I would like to have, with the added bonus that I can do it at my own pace.

Some things I am thankful for
Spring weather, which has returned today after yesterday's snow. My wonderful husband, who returned from a long trip last week. The tiny plants that are starting to grow, a sign of the summer to come. The odd moments I have to write. My wonderful child. I realized the other day I will be truly and deeply sad when I don't have a toddler anymore. Amelia will be exactly two and half tomorrow.

What We're Up To

All I can seem to compose for this blog lately is a collection of random moments, and this post will be no different. In no particular order, here's what's going on with us these days.

I finished my application for the PhD program and it is sent away. I am glad to be done with it, hoping very much to get in, but once I actually finished and submitted the application I became much less anxious about the outcome. I feel like I did my best with the time that I had and the rest is simply out of my power. I have enough self-confidence (Meg called it "maturity" and I appreciate that) to assume that if I don't get it, it's simply because my writing isn't a good fit for the program and that's that. At the same time I have fallen pretty deeply in love with the idea of going back to school so I know I will be disappointed if I don't get in. My backup plans for the rest of my life are fairly nebulous at this point. I would like to try becoming more involved with the Denver writing community and freelance writing. We shall see.

The not knowing is making January feel even more stagnant than it always does. We had a couple of nice days and they were wonderful. One of my friends said she felt like she was in love and I thought that was perfect. But then yesterday it snowed again. It was pretty falling but then I realized Suki was out in it. Long story short, she found somewhere to hide and spent her first night out of the house, ever. Dean found her on our kitchen windowsill this morning and we were very happy she came back.

Amelia continues to not nap. She loves her bed and the new train set she got for Christmas. She takes her trains in a basket to her bed and plays for her whole naptime. I leave her in there about and hour and a half and she is happy the whole time. It is not nearly as relaxing for me--knowing exactly how long of a break I have plus feeling like I have to keep ear out for her makes her "naptime" much less of a break. But there is not much I can do about it. If it were warmer I would like it much better because we could spend the whole afternoon at the park. As it goes now there is only so much time one mother can play the same game with a train set in one day, and I have reached that limit by noon.

The game is that she likes to pile up Matchbox cars on the train track bridge and then have me "chug" the trains up the hill to the pileup. Then I have to say, "Danger! Danger! There are cars on the track! Who is going to help move them?" And Amelia looks smug until she decides to move the cars. The the trains chug down the hill and we do it "Again, again." (If you are a certain grandmother, you will recognize this game as one you created--we can't wait till you are here to play it!)

Another game she likes, and this one I can blame on Dean, is to have some of her animals get her ice cream. They ask her what kind she likes and how many scoops, then they trot off to get it and she pretends to eat it. I think she would do this for HOURS if she had a willing audience. She likes to make up words for ice cream flavors. She also likes for the store to run out of a flavor and for the animals to act really surprised and tell her, "They're all out! Shoot!"

Amelia says "got-for" for forgot. "We got-for my coat!"

What else? I am trying to think of baby development things I need to record for posterity. on the toddler behavior front, we have had our share of run-ins with the terrible twos. Tantrums, whining and extreme bossiness are the main challenges. These are better or worse depending on the day or time of day. Two helpful books are The Happiest Toddler on the Block and Love and Logic for Early Years. The whole thing is so exhausting I can't even write about it. Another time. We visited a preschool for next year and I loved it. It is "yoga based" and the teachers were very kind and warm and the school is in an old house that feels, as you would expect, extremely homey. Amelia's night sleep is still excellent. When she doesn't nap she is a giant mess by late afternoon so her bedtime is close to 7. Her eating is still pretty good. She went thought an obsession with orange juice but the she got a stomach virus during which I could only convince her that she really couldn't have a snack by saying that her doctor said too much eating would hurt her tummy. Then it occurred to me I could say that about the juice. It has worked to break the habit. It's not that I am against orange juice but it was starting to feel like she drank so much she was not eating any real food.

In short, all is well. We are looking forward to spring.

Some Pictures

Amelia's new bed!



Her duvet cover has little vegetables on it, and she got this stuffed broccoli pillow toy to match.



The Artist



The artist made a mess. (We made our own clay from flour and salt. We may never do it again.)



The artist, who did not nap AGAIN today, is very tired.

4 Fun Facts About Amelia

4. She has moved to a big girl bed! It's a twin mattress on the floor (with a bed rain to hold her in plus a baby gate at her doorway). I was very nervous about the change, but it's gone well, even seamlessly. We decided to make the switch because she was getting very angry about being put down for naps and sort of thrusting her upper body over the crib rail. It didn't seem like a good idea to let that continue. From the first night on, she has been sleeping like a baby.

3. She seems to be dropping her nap. I don't think it's because of the bed, but she does love the new bed, so she spends I'd say 3 out of 4 nap times playing in there. It's interesting because as far as I know she stays in the bed the whole "naptime," even when she's awake. If she doesn't fall asleep I leave her in her room to play for an hour or so. When she does fall asleep, it is often for a very long nap.

2. She did not fall asleep today, so the pictures of the new bed, which I had planned as the number one "fact" spot, will have to wait. Instead I will say

1. Dropping her nap? Really??? Heaven help me.

This Is Your Brain on Toddlerhood

There have been a couple of times in Amelia's life that I have felt I could almost see her brain developing. The past week or two has been one of those times. From the moment she wakes up, she goes a mile a minute, talking, playing, reading, singing, moving toys and pens and buttons and who knows what all to the places they clearly need to be, and generally directing things around the house.

Her language development has been the most obvious--when she isn't cruise directing, she has been stating or describing what she is doing or what is happening around her in alarmingly complex sentences. I have been calling her "the narrator." When you go in her bedroom to get her when she wakes up, she will inform you "Mia sanding in her cib." In fact, now she might also say "I sanding in my cib"--she is getting more and more pronouns right. She says things like "Mia go with Daddy to pick tomatoes," or last night at dinner when she happened to glance up and out the window, "I'm looking out the window." Sometimes when she speaks she falls into a kind of "uh, uh, uh" noise and you can tell the wheels are turning in her mind as she looks for the right word or maybe the sentence structure, but more and more she just talks. She talks all day long. And she still prefers that you repeat back what she says. I don't miss not the quiet, exactly, but our days our... full.

Another reason our days are full, and this is perhaps related to the brain development spurt, is that Amelia's naps have suddenly and substantially shortened themselves. She was napping from around 12-2, and now she doesn't seem ready to go down for a nap till 1 or 1:30, if then. Then, she naps for about 45 minutes. She has a hard time settling down, and when she wakes up, after a period of initial fussiness, she is ready to go for the afternoon. She has been sleeping at night, though, for 11-12 hour stretches, from 7:30 or 8 to around 7 in the morning, so I am thinking since she is sleeping so long at night she just doesn't need a long nap. It's not the best news for me, break-wise, but it's not terrible. I am trying to take advantage of being able to have longer morning outings, and drastically decrease the number of things I try to do during her nap. (In fact, one of the things I have been doing during her nap is sitting down and watching "Friends," which conveniently reruns every day at 2:00.) Since I have less time during the day and more time during the mornings, I have been trying to get up a little earlier and enjoy the quiet. The early mornings have always been the best poem-writing times for me anyway, so maybe this is a good development for me, writing-wise.

Another note about toddlerhood--Amelia has had some real live tantrums lately. These are sometimes times when she is tired or maybe related to not feeling well, with the cold, for example, or last week she also tested positive for strep--one of the best tips I got about toddler behavior is that when they are acting SUPER terrible, they are probably sick. But there have been a couple of tantrums that seem mostly just about Amelia not getting what she wants, which I suppose is normal for almost two. Last week, we stopped by the "dinosaur bone museum" to play for awhile, and when we were leaving, not feeling well myself, I forgot to do my usual "in a few minutes, we have to say bye-bye to the museum" thing to prep Amelia for our departure (which usually works really well). We were walking toward the door, and Amelia seemed to realize we were leaving, and she just lost it. She was crouching and clenching her fists and screaming "dinosaur bones!" She was in fact standing directly underneath dinosaur bones, but no attempt of mine to point that out to her, or to calm her down in any way other way, worked, so I finally had to pick her up and carry her screaming to the car. She cried most of the 20-minute drive home, and what finally made her stop was a tip I read in The Happiest Toddler on the Block: "gossip." The author recommends that you "gossip" with your toddler's stuffed animals (or other family members, if they are around), both to discuss bad behavior and praise good behavior. The idea is that toddlers like to overhear stuff and sometimes you can get more across if they think you are not talking to them. So I talked to Elmo, who Amelia had carried around the museum all morning. "Hey Elmo! Listen! Amelia had a tantrum at the museum, and Amelia is so angry! Amelia wanted to stay at the dinosaur bones! But Momma doesn't understand tantrums. Momma understands big girl words! And Amelia is so good at big girl words!" And etc. Every time Amelia would start crying again I would say "Hey, Elmo! Listen!" And she would listen. By the time we got home, she was calm. I had asked Elmo if he thought Amelia would rather play with buttons or bracelets when she got home, and as we pulled into the garage, I heard a tiny, tired voice: "buttons."

We played with buttons, then had lunch. Toddlers are tiring. Lovable, but tiring.

The interesting thing is that Amelia still remembers this vividly. "Mia cied at the dinosaur bones. Elmo had to listen! Momma doesn't unersand tanums."

On a side note, with all these sicknesses and tantrums, sometimes I really miss breastfeeding. I just know it would calm her down so easily. I can pick Amelia up and snuggle her, and carry her around, and goodness knows I do, but it's not the same. Just saying, for the record: I don't regret weaning when we did, but I do miss the closeness, the calming nature of breastfeeding.

What else? We went to the zoo, and it was one of the first times Amelia was actually excited about the animals. She liked the elephants and hippos the best



and enjoyed peering over the wall at "Monkey Island."



She also fed some lorakeets



and rode the train with her friend Pigit,



and on another visit to the zoo with (L)u(l)i, she rode the merry-go-round.





We canceled a camping trip we had planned for this weekend because we all got colds, but we did go to a baseball game Sunday afternoon. The Rockies have a section called "The Rockpile" that features $4.50 bleacher seats, a good price for people who might only last a few innings. This was our view from our seats



and Amelia and Dean watching the game.



We had a good time--the day worked out well, since Amelia napped early and the sun went behind the clouds just time for the game. Amelia liked watching the people and even some of the game ("That man running!") She danced when music played and clapped when the other fans clapped, and the enjoyed her first experience with Dippin' Dots (which cost the same price as our seats). We lasted until about the 6th inning.

Our garden is thriving in the summer heat. We have piles of tomatoes, squash and zucchini, so much that I have just been planning our meals about what could include those things. We have a good amount of peppers, tomatillos, and cucumbers, too, and just picked some very pretty tri-color corn. This is our garden a couple of weeks ago; things are even taller and bushier now.





Finally, we are battling out an attempt to grow out Amelia's bangs. I really want to grow them out, since they grow fast and they are hard to trim, and our favorite hairdresser lives really far away. But Amelia is not a fan of hairclips ("Cips out!) so she looks pretty shaggy a lot of the time. Here is a picture of her with cips, just to prove she doesn't always look like a sheep dog.



We had some success with using a rubber band for a "ponytail" yesterday, and I made a big deal about how "now you can see!" So we'll see.

19 Facts for 19 Months

1. 19 months has been a lot of fun! I somehow never imagined Amelia being older than 18 months. 18 months was a big milestone in my mind, a sort of "I've made it this far so I think I'm gonna make it!" I remember holding 3- or 4-month old Baby A, enviously staring at parents with 18-month-olds. So when Amelia turned 19 months old, it was kind of a shock: it keeps going after this? Maybe because I truly had no expectations, I have been pleasantly surprised.

Part of that is because 2. Amelia is talking more and more. With talking comes communicating, so it's easier to figure out what she wants and doesn't want. Also, it's hilarious. She repeats tons of what we say, including, this morning, "suck it." In context, it was fine--she found one of those mesh baby teether things and I was telling her what to do with it: "You suck it." She spent the next hour saying, "Suck it! Suck it!" Then she stopped. I am hoping she has forgotten it.

3. Other, less disturbing things she says:
"Momma Epyoo" (Momma help you.) She says this when she wants me to help her.
"Naken" (Naked). She loves to be naked. She needs Momma Epyoo to undress, though.
"Peekaboo!" It's adorable. She actually memorized a little peekaboo book, Peek-a-who, from the library. She has also done a few short sentences: "Momma comin'?" "Daddy doin'?" She makes it clear to us that we drop our "g's."

4. Amelia loves her extended family, and talks about them all the time. If we talk about what we are doing, she lists all of her family members and we have to say what they are all doing at that moment.

5. Amelia loves to sing. We also have to include all family members' names in one of her favorites songs, Raffi's Willougby Wallaby Woo. Other favorites songs include Raffi's song about going to the zoo, the ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Old MacDonald.

6. We really are weaned. It really is done. Overall, it has been easier than I thought. Amelia asks for "mik" fewer times each day, and yesterday she seemed to do it almost as a joke. She drinks a lot more other liquids, which makes sense. She likes juice of all kinds, regular milk, and "chocate mik" (which is really chocolate soymilk, mostly for the sake of variety).


7. Amelia still snuggles! She likes to hug, to sit in my lap, or to play a games where she pushes me over and falls on me. And the last couple of naps, she has let me rock her to sleep! This is a huge improvement over crying for 10 minutes each and every naptime. I do think sometimes kids just have to cry themselves to sleep--or Amelia does anyway--but I just cannot take it at naptime.


8. These days Amelia is napping around 12-2, give or take 15-20 minutes on either side. It's predictable, for now, which probably adds to my general enjoyment of the days.

9. And we have a pretty set little routine, something I also enjoy. Amelia wakes up between 5 and 6 (sometimes before 5, yikes, but less and less). She likes to play upstairs for a while, then come down and have something to eat and drink. If it's cool and the heat is on, she likes to sit on the big heating vent in our living room and eat her snack. There are fairly large holes in the vent. Sometimes, from the kitchen, I can hear her muttering "too big, too big" or calling "Uh oh!" I have removed a wide variety of items from the vent, but luckily there is a flat place under the vent to catch anything that happens to fall. This is not the best toddler habit but I have decided that for now it is not a battle I want to fight. And it buys me time to clean up the kitchen.

After Dean leaves for work, Amelia and I play downstairs for awhile and read some books. Then we go upstairs and I take a shower while she plays in the bathroom. I take some toys in there to entertain her or she looks at the toiletries in the various baskets I have. (All babyproofed.) This week, she discovered a drawer that contained tampons and has been having a great time dissecting them. Again: it buys some time.

Then we get dressed, a long process, since sometime in the morning Amelia usually become naken. I try to brush her teeth, and once we are ready, we leave the house. On Mondays we go to the grocery store, and other days we go to the Children's Museum or some other fun place, or run other errands, or if it's nice, go to the park. I try to have her home by 11, and we have lunch. Then she messes around till noon while I half play with her, half straighten up. We read some more books, then nap.

After her nap she likes to play with animals in her crib for awhile, and then we usually try to get out of the house again. Amelia is much more grouchy about being in her car seat in the afternoons, so I don't like to go anywhere too far. My favorite thing is to just spend the afternoon in the park, but we haven't been able to do that much lately. Apparently of the 65 non-sunny days a year Denver supposedly has, 31 are in May. So afternoons this week have been challenging.

Anyway, Dean gets home around 5:15, and we all play/work in the yard, or I go to yoga (!; see below). Amelia tends to be hungry for dinner early, between 4:45 and 5:30. We feed her, then she plays till bathtime and goes to bed between 7 and 7:30.

The days are mostly very good.

10. One of my Mother's Day presents was an unlimited summer yoga pass. I picked it out myself. It lasts through July and I have been going to yoga as much as I can. I go in the evenings to a 6-7:15 class. It gives Dean and Amelia time to play and do the bath-bed routine. We have found that when I am in the house, she is much fussier about having me be right with her. If I go to "cass," she might be a little upset when I leave but quickly gets over it and everyone has a pleasant evening, especially Momma. I love going to yoga. May has been a bit more sporadic than I planned, but I have made it to at least 2 classes a week. I am hoping to go more even more often in June.

11. Teething: Amelia is getting her canine teeth. This has truly seemed to last forever, and they seem to bother her a lot more than most of her other teeth. She has drooled, run a low fever, and gnawed on her fingers a lot over the past two months at least. It has gotten so that when she gets too fussy, I just get out the Orajel. I will be glad when the teeth are finally in.

12. In other toddler behavior news, I should touch on eating and sleeping if only for the record. Amelia's eating remains very toddler-esque: she will eat like a horse for a few days, making her mother very happy, and then seem to eat almost nothing for a day or two or more. Highlights of the eating times have been berries of all types, a return to chickpeas, and tiny broccoli florets--raw. Discovering that she liked broccoli was an accident. I gave her a crown of broccoli to hold in the grocery store and she started chewing on it. She is definitely a grazer. Her favorite snacks are salty, crunchy ones like pretzels, crackers and Veggie Straws.

13. My most hated baby-related chore--and I have thought this through--is changing crib sheets. It's terrible! The sheets are super tight and they get caught up in the bumper pad and it takes forever and I think I pull a muscle every time I do it, which is often because Amelia spends so much time lolling in the sand in the park.

14. We are not exactly potty training, but we now own 2 training potties, one that sits on the floor and one that sits on the big potty. Amelia likes to take apart or fill with toys the one on the floor but other than that has no interest in using them. But since she is naken so much she is becoming more aware of when she needs to use the bathroom. She says "pee-pee" for both pee and poop, then proceeds to go on the floor. It seems to upset her so I try to be very upbeat and encouraging about it:


Me: Pee on the floor! That's great! Let's get a towel!
Amelia: (standing naked in a pool pf pee, looking upset) Momma epyoo! Towel!

15. Our garden is planted and growing. I owe you an entire garden-related post, but we (and by we I mean Dean) have planted tomatoes, peppers, strawberries, blueberries, asparagus, peas, radishes, and flowers, and squash and beans will be planted soon. Our fingers are crossed.


16. I love my Denver friends. The playgroup has really gelled, and I spend a lot of time with my neighbor and her daughter. It makes living here so much easier.

17. I still clean too much. I am trying to cut back, I swear.


18. How many ambulance rides have you taken in your life? Because Amelia has now had two. Last week, she fell out of her wagon and hit her head. She cried inconsolably for over 10 minutes, then got sleepy, so Dean called 911. Luckily, by the time the paramedics got here, she was much better. They took her to the ER just in case. The doctors all thought she was fine but watched her for 2 hours (in hospital time, if was just over 3). We were super relieved. It was terrifying while it lasted--one of those times that reveals to you the fact that your child is your entire world--but I think it says something that I just thought of it here at the end of the post. Um, welcome to parenthood? Just as I felt when she got through the appendix episode, I am deeply thankful that she is all right, still her sunny, funny, lovely self. I would think that Amelia could be finished with ambulance rides now, though. Seriously.


19. This is my 350th post. I am glad blogging is still part of my life. I had a community of blog "friends" long before I had very many real mom friends. I love the blogs I read (and I should say I stole this idea of a listed post from Liz's birthday post on BC), and I love writing posts too. This is the only baby journal I keep, and it is so nice to share Amelia with so many others.

It's Done

You may have been wondering how my plan for weaning has been going.

Like many things that have to do with babies, for awhile it was one step forward, two steps back. I actually got Amelia down to nursing four times (not "sessions," as I had named her constant nursing in my last post on this subject) a day: first thing in the morning, before nap, after nap, and around 5. If she asked or tried to nurse at a different time, I could distract her pretty easily with a snack (dill pickles have been a favorite, if strange, substitute) or drink (chocolate milk, a juice box). Or I could just tell her no. In the afternoon, I would say "Not till 5:00!" It got to where almost any time I held her off, she would agreeably say, "Five!"

But once I got there, I decided to stay for awhile. It was easy, comfortable, and convenient. I knew we had a trip to NC coming up in which I would be alone with Amelia on planes and putting her to bed without Dean. The nursing, now that I knew its days really were numbered, was something special rather that something that drove me crazy.

Until.

For whatever reason, Amelia started waking up at least once every night and early, early in the mornings. I was nursing her at night if she woke and early in the mornings to try to get her to go back to sleep. It's like she was sneaking in another nursing session. I was going with it. It didn't bother me. Amelia woke up Friday morning at 3 AM, and I went in to nurse her. I sat in the glider thinking, I really should stop this. But I didn't feel ready. I figured I would know when it was time.

Three hours later, Amelia woke up again. I was very tired because it had taken me a long time to go back to sleep. Dean tried to get up with her but she kept crying "Momma, Momma!" "Milk, milk"! (Actually it sounds more like "Mik! Mik!") He brought her to me and she was doing this very strange thing with her teeth that was sort of painful. (I think she's teething.) And she kept latching off and latching back on. Then she put her Giraffe lovey up to my boob and said, "Num num num." And I thought, "It's time."

I didn't nurse her at all the rest of Friday. For nap time (oh yeah, since NC I was nursing her to sleep at nap time again because oh, it was so wonderfully EASY) I put her in the crib and sang and rubbed her belly till she fell asleep. When she asked for "mik" I told her that we were going to be saying bye-bye to milk. She would look skeptical and say, "Five?"

Yesterday morning, Saturday, I nursed Amelia for the last time.

I felt like I was saying bye-bye not only to mik but also to my baby. Toddlers are not known for sitting still and snuggling, which is another reason I was holding on to breastfeeding. Amelia curled around me,totally relaxed, her head nestled in the crook of my arm. She was calm and peaceful, nursing rather slowly. She let me rub her little tummy and touch all of her fingers. I think she might have known it was the last time too. She lingered.

And then, all of a sudden, it was over. Dean was getting out of the shower, and Amelia heard the water go off. She jumped up and said "Towel!" (She likes to hand us our towels.) She got down from the bed by herself ("Self! Self!") and she was gone.

I have to admit, I cried, but just a little. It really is time.

I have a gmail account that I got when I started this blog, but I really don't use it. It's somehow connected to my phone, though, and I had to get my phone reset because it wasn't working. They told me I might need to get my saved phone numbers and pictures through my gmail account. When I signed in, I saw that I had 1,443 unread messages. They are all from astrology.com. Apparently, about 1443 days ago I signed up for a daily horoscope and used the gmail address. When I saw all the messages, I thought that surely 1443 unread horoscopes would make a good subject for a poem. This morning, I remembered them and opened the message for today:

Forget caution, discretion, and waiting for the best time to act. You're all done, and it's time to let that fact be known.

Bye-bye, mik. I am deeply thankful you could serve us so well.

The Plan

I have decided to wean. I even have a plan.

I am not sure what made me finally make this decision. I guess it's a combination of things. First, Amelia has a lot more teeth these days. Enough said there. Also, she is in stage of huge attachment to me. Sometimes I think she is more clingy and whiny just because I am around. I am starting to feel like nursing is just a habit for her, and one that is not always serving her well. And she is almost 18 months old, which is how old both I and my sister were when my mom weaned us, so 18 months has always seemed like a good age to wean to me because of that.

Not to say I am not conflicted. A couple of weeks ago, I checked out a bunch of books from the library with titles like Mothering Your Nursing Toddler and How Weaning Happens. Turns out all of the books were published by La Leche League. They did offer some good tips-- ways to distract a child from nursing, for example, and the fact that if you're not going to nurse, you are going to need to pay a lot of extra attention to your child--but overall the message from the books is that kids wean themselves when they are ready. Usually by age 4 at the latest. As in four. Years. Old.

Part of me--the part that really wanted to do yoga during labor, to give birth at home, to fire my male OB for a bescarved and tattooed midwife--still really wants to let Amelia wean herself. However, the part of that decided to stick with the male OB and give birth at a hospital strongly suspects that Amelia is one of those kids who would happily breastfeed till she is 4. Or 5. Or older. And that part of me has no interest in breastfeeding that long.

My plan is this. Yesterday, I cut off the nursing during naptime (again). I figure this would be hard but still maybe one of the easiest times to cut out because if Amelia is sleepy, she will eventually go to sleep. I told Amelia that we weren't going to have milk at naptime. She understood. She even said "no mama" as I was changing her diaper. I said, "Yes, you still have mama, just no milk!" and tickled her. She laughed. I kept doing that for a minute. It was funny. When it was time to put her down, we put some dolls and stuffed animals in her crib in case she was not sleepy right away. She looked interested. Then I sat in the glider and rocked her and sang. She snuggled and listened for about 2 seconds and then tried to nurse. "No milk at naptime," I said. I offered her water. She refused it. She cried. Angrily. I tried to rock her and sing, but she was having none of it. So I put her in the crib with the water.

She cried. Loudly and angrily.

Since Dean was home, he went up to sing to her like he does at bedtime. She cried. She was mad. But as soon as he left the room she went to sleep.

I, however, cried for quite awhile. In the meantime I was reading _Unbuttoned_, and in one essay about weaning, the author mentioned a study somewhere that asked older children who nursed about breastmilk. They said it was better than ice cream, better than cookies. Something about that made me cry and cry. I want Amelia to be happy and healthy. What if weaning is traumatic for her?

But, she woke up. She was fine. She ate Veggie Straws while sitting on my lap--actually, that could be called the first nursing session to go, the post-nap session, since the day I got some Veggie Straws for myself to eat while Amelia nursed after her nap. She snuggled in to nurse, looked at my snack, then sat up and took my bowl. And today at naptime, she only cried for about 3 minutes, then went to sleep. She is still sleeping.

To get back to the plan: although Amelia has never had an exact number of feedings a day, I have divided the day by feeding "sessions". There is first thing in the morning. The rest of the morning. Pre-nap (that's the one that's out this week). Afternoon. And evening. Each week, I will just say there is no milk right now for one of those sessions. So, if all goes according to plan, we'll be done in... 4 more weeks after this. Maybe sooner. She doesn't always do the evening. I am sure things won't go exactly as I plan. But at least I have a plan.

In my book, I came across another passage that stuck with me. It's in an essay called "Wean" by Catherine Newman. In it, she describes "accidentally" nursing her baby (who is 2 years old) a few weeks after she has weaned. It sums up how I am feeling these days:

I have loved nursing, but I have not cherished every moment of it because, frankly, there has just been too much of it. I savor these last few moments with the baby, the baby who is disappearing even as I hold her.

What's Going On

Time for a good, old-fashioned Amelia update. I'll sprinkle in a few pictures I just downloaded from my cell phone.



She is talking up a storm. She tries to repeat a lot of what we say, so I am trying even harder to eliminate the surprisingly high number of things I say that I would not want her to say. (I am not sure where I picked up such bad language. I'll blame my past students.)

Here are some of Amelia's new words:

fish
fall
up
down
apple
pear
pizza
crackers
two (as in, I want two crackers, two apples, etc. She wants one for each hand.)
Nanny
Luli
Poppa
Guru
Jes
Hea (for Heather) (She says these family names pointing at pictures; don't worry, we are working on the rest of the family but we need to put up more pictures!)
Momma
Daddy
shoes
boots
phone
pla (plate)
bowl
cup
fork
spoo (spoon)
slide
car
wa (wagon)
ride
dough (as in play dough)
star
moon
ca (helicopter)
Suki (or at least Su, she hardly ever says Gee anymore)
gaffe (giraffe)
no (She says no a lot.)
na (This is what it sounds like when she tries to say "another one" or "the other one" when there are two of things and she wants them; for example "put on my other shoe" or "where is the other baby.")
My mom just taught her yes ("ses") and, in relation to dirty diapers and things you should not put in your mouth, "nasty," which she says extremely clearly.

It's a fun time hearing her say new things. Oh, she also says "new." She loves "new" things. For example, she loves her new wagon, and she wants to ride in it every time she sees it. She also likes climbing on these little bouncy cars they have at the park, and she is proud because she can climb up on them all by herself--mostly. She has been climbing more and more--she can get up on the coffee table, and from there the couch. Scary. She likes to play with her farm animals, and her baby dolls, and her stuffed animals. She likes playing with play dough, but still pretty much just wants to chew on crayons. She can stack a couple of blocks without them falling, although she loves knocking down tall towers built by someone else. She is getting really good at putting small lids on things and has successfully sorted a few different shapes (star, circle, etc) in the sorting toy she has. She has started giving kisses, and will sometimes go through the room kissing all the animals and bringing them to whoever else is in the room so we can also kiss them. She also likes to feed things, making a little chewing sound as she does.



On the eating front, she is still nursing a few times a day, not nearly as much as when she came home from the hospital. She is not eating as much as she was when she came home from the hospital either, but that makes sense. She is falling back in what seems to be a more normal toddler pattern, eating a lot sometimes and hardly anything other times. she still loves noddles and rice and spinach and cheese, and she will usually eat a couple of servings of cut-up fruit a day, and she likes those tubes of yogurt for kids. Overall I feel happy with the amount she is eating and what she eats, which is a good feeling.

A note on teething--I feel like Amelia has been teething constantly since about 13 months. She keeps getting new teeth. Sometimes her gums seem to bother her, sometimes not. I have gotten better at recognizing teething signs like drooling, diaper rash, and gnawing on things, and Amelia realized that she loves Orajel, so it's not too bad. I do wonder if she is teething a lot today. She has a low fever.



Amelia seems to be almost totally over the stranger and new-place anxiety she had after the hospital. For quite awhile--and this partly explains the lack of recent posts, as I was too tired or too discouraged to write--she was not sleeping well. First she was waking up multiple times a night, sometimes screaming, a scared scream, not just a tired fuss. We really think she was having nightmares. Then that slowly faded, and she was sleeping through the night--until between 4 and 5 AM, when she was up for the day. But still tired. It would be one thing to rise at 4 each morning with a sunny, bright-eyed toddler, but this was coming downstairs and facing an immediate tantrum because you wouldn't let Amelia fling ground coffee all over the kitchen. So we started trying things. We tried earlier bedtimes. We tried later bedtimes. We tried leaving her in the crib for a long time, and then going to her right away. I tried nursing her back to sleep. We tried getting her to back to sleep in our bed. We tried early naps. Late naps. One nap, two naps. There were really no clear patterns to what worked and what didn't. One morning--I think it was last Sunday--she woke up at 5, Dean went to check on her and said night, night, and she was quiet. Then she fussed. Then she was quiet. And so on. About 30 minutes later, I gave up and went to her, but she wanted to nurse, and she fell asleep and slept for almost 2 more hours. (Of course Dean and I were wide awake, but whatever.) That return to morning sleep seemed to break the pattern, and she has been sleeping later, waking between 5:45 and 6:30, all week since then. We have been putting her down a littler later too, between 7 and 7:30. I also think, on a nap note, that it has helped to keep her up till at least 11 AM or noon even if she is sleepy earlier. She is definitely taking longer naps in the middle of the day, usually between 1 and a half and two hours, although they have been as short as an hour, and as long as, once last week, three hours and 15 minutes. That is an all time Amelia-nap record.

(In the interest of full disclosure, and for the record, I will note that I have been nursing her to sleep at naps. This started post-hospital and it has been so peaceful, so easy, so much better than the 10-20 minutes of pre-nap crying that went on every nap for the 5 weeks we tried not nursing at naps, that I have kept doing it. I know that it could have something to do with the bedtime problem, but... not willing to give it up yet.)




The one thing Amelia is still doing that seems related to hospital anxiety is having these horrible bedtime-related fits. They seem to be related to separation anxiety from me. She was crying a lot a bath time, so I started going into the bathroom with her, and now she cries when she is put in the crib. She can be perfectly happy, snuggling with Dean and reading stories, and then when it is time to actually go to bed, she just cries and cries. It is very stressful, and sad too because bath and bedtime had been such a peaceful and happy daddy-daughter time. But we are just hanging in there because one thing that seems true about raising a child is that nothing lasts, not the stuff you love but, luckily, also not the stuff you hate. It is just endlessly replaced with new stuff to hate--and luckily, new stuff to love.

13 on 31

I never seem to find the time to write the developed posts I compose in my head at 4am, so here are 13 things about life, lately:

1. Amelia is sick. Poor baby. She and I both had colds for the past two weeks or so, but when mine went away, hers seem to get worse, and a fever appeared. A trip to the doctor showed no ear infection, and when I called again today, the nurse said a virus that sounds like what Amelia has is going around. So I am giving her ibuprofen, and she is drinking a lot of juice.

2. She says, "Juice!" Also fish, mask (because of an African mask Jes got us that hangs on the wall above our reading/nursing chair) and, just this weekend, Daddy! ("Da!")

3. Naps have been challenging, lasting 45 minutes, tops, for most of last week. Maybe because she has been sick? With 10-15 minutes of crying when I put her down. But today, for the first time since I cut her off from nursing to sleep: no pre-nap crying! She just talked to herself for a few minutes, then all was quiet on the napptime front.

4. Night sleep has remained mostly great, even through the sickness. A couple of early morning wakings. I have nursed her at night twice. My hope is that this is fine, as long as it doesn't turn back into a habit. It seems okay so far. There is a middle way!

5. List of lunchtime food items on the table and floor right now: wheat bread. Strawberry jello. Cheerios. Milk. A french fry. A slice of turkey ("gobble gobble gobble"). Vanilla ice cream. Something gooey I can't name--oh, mayonaise.

6. Number of the above items Amelia actually ate for lunch: 0.

7. What has Amelia eaten today? About 1/3 of a bag of rainbow goldfish crackers. (Don't worry, they are colored using natural ingredients, like beets.)

8. What have I been doing during these 45 minute naps last week? Writing! Somehow when I know there is only going to be 45 minutes, I can make myself get more work done than if I think there might be 2 hours. I have been working on my manuscript and work for the class I am taking. My class met again last week (it meets about every 3rd Monday). We discussed my manuscript and one other (6 students, 2 manuscripts per session, for two rounds). I got lots of positive feedback and several helpful suggestions. And a few crazy suggestions, but that is par for the workshop course.

10. And, I just got an email from the instructor asking me if I want to be in a reading soon! A nice boost for my confidence. Especailly considering that

11. I spent some time this weekend looking into jobs for the fall, mostly getting very discouraged. I read too many faculty bios of people who had PhDs and lots of publications. Whatever, guys. I can recite both Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? and Dr. Suess's ABCs.

12. I am looking forward to spring. Although we had some days in the high 50s and low 60s last night, tomorrow's high is supposed to be -3. Can people even exist in that kind of weather? How did the pioneers survive out here? I am making it my personal business not to leave the house tomorrow.

13. After 16 months, I am beginning to feel like my old self again, whoever that is. I think sleeping through the night helps. So does getting to leave the house at night and not being the only person in the universe who can get Amelia to go to sleep. Plus having a toddler is really a lot of fun! Hard sometimes, what with the tantrums and the poor communication skills, but fun. I like playing with Play Dough and stickers and puzzles. And Amelia is only just beginning to be able to do those things, so more fun is in store. I've also been doing more stuff I want to do, generally. I made a sort of New Year's resolution to try to integrate more reading and writing and yoga into my daily life, even if I don't have large swaths of free time. I came up with a concept of "5 and 20." Basically, I try to take a span of 5 minutes to do something I want to do sometime during the day, and then another span of 20 minutes to do something else I want to do. So I might read the news for 5 minutes in the morning, or read a poem for 5 minutes while Amelia plays on her own. Or I might try to do 20 minutes of yoga while Amelia plays around me. Or write for 20 minutes during Amelia's bath and bedtime. After roughly 31 days, I feel happier and more... well-rounded is the best word I can think of. Reading more of the news, for example, has allowed me to actually think of something besides Amelia and exhaustion to talk about to my mom friends (not the conversation often turns from babies and/or sleep, but just in case!), and to Dean and my other friends as well. And doing a little bit of yoga each day makes me feel better physically, and I think helps during the yoga classes I go to too. It turns out that there is more to life than motherhood, and I have been finding ways to access that life. And that is a good thing.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring...

but last night, Amelia slept from 7 PM-6 AM with nary a peep (and took a two and a half hour nap yesterday afternoon). Dean and I slept well last night too, and Amelia has been a happy baby all morning. Now she and her daddy are out playing in the snow.

I noticed as I logged on to blogger that this is my 300th post. This is a nice event to record for it, at the end of a week of change for the better.

Diary of...Well, You'll See

I started this post at the beginning of this week. I had planned to do another week or so of entries before I published it, but it is getting kind of long, and changes are happening so quickly that it is already getting hard to follow. Basically, I meant this to be a record of our attempt to wean Amelia from nursing before bedtime and at night. But, as you will see, the week didn't go exactly as I planned...

January 3, 8 AM:

About two months ago, I signed up for a writing class that meets every 3rd Monday from 6:30-8:30 PM. It begins just at Amelia's bedtime. So for months, we have wondered what will happen when Amelia can't nurse before bedtime. We discussed and even planned on trying a nursing-free bedtime before the class started, but inertia and apprehension and the ease of the familiar made us never follow through.

But time went by, and tonight my class starts, but Dean will put Amelia to bed by himself. So obviously, there will be no nursing. I feel nervous, both about the class and about about leaving Amelia. But Dean is not nervous at all, so I am not too worried. I am sure it will work out some way or another.

January 3, 9 PM:

I am home from my class! I loved it, but before I could tell Dean anything about it I had to hear about bedtime. Amelia had her bath and stories as usual, then Dean moved into her bedroom and rocker her for a few minutes. When he put her in the crib, she was super mad and screamed. But only for a few minutes. He went back in to pat her and reassure her after a minute or so, then planned to wait 3 or 4 more minutes before going in again. But in the meantime--

she fell asleep.

He seemed worried about her crying, and I am sure it was that horrible loud angry screaming that is terrible to listen to. But--hey, only 5 minutes! This for a baby who is super attached to nursing, and who has been nursed immediately before going to bed and taking a nap since she has been going to bed and taking naps. Her whole life.

January 4, 11:30 AM:

Due to indecision, sleepiness and perhaps missing Amelia at bedtime I ended up getting up at 3:30 am to nurse Amelia back to sleep, and then she woke up at 5:30. I felt grouchy and discouraged this morning, especially since Amelia was tired and whiny and kept trying to nurse every 5 minutes.

But somehow, during the course of the morning, I convinced myself that now is the time to seize the moment and make a change. I I don't do something now, who knows when I will make a change.

I have decided I only want to nurse 3 times a day: first thing in the morning, pre-nap--but NOT as a going-to-sleep method--and in the late afternoon, say 5:15 or so.

So, this morning, in between distracting Amelia from nursing with cow's milk, pears, apples, cheese, a Nutra-Grain bar and who knows what else, I moved the glider into our bedroom. Amelia was concerned. She didn't seem to like it. Then, I kept A up till 10:45, even though she was super sleepy early on, from getting up so early.

Then, in the glider in our bedroom, I nursed her, for just a few minutes. Then we stopped nursing and read stories. She held her giraffe lovey as usual through the stories. After 3 books, I decided to nurse her just a tiny bit more, through one round of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." When the song was over, I moved Amelia into her crib. She was sleepy, but wide awake.

Angry screams ensued.

Butterflies in my stomach, I went back in after 2 minutes, then 5. She was standing up both times, clutching her giraffe, her little face all red and teary. I hugged her and said night night and laid her back down each time. I was waiting 10 more minutes before I went in again, but in the meantime, her angry screams faded to sad wails, then a tired whimper, and now:

silence.

I feel like this is the start of a brand new world.


January 4, 7:00 PM

Dean just put Amelia to bed while I made dinner. I made myself scarce and he did the whole bedtime routine by himself again. I was making dinner feeling a little sad, but mostly not. It's time.

Dean came downstairs. Upstairs:

silence.

He took in to the bedroom, gave her a little hug, which she returned, and put her in bed. She snuggled up with her giraffe, made a little noise, and--we assume--went straight to sleep!

January 5, 6:45 AM

Amelia slept soundly through the night until 4:30, a success that is overshadowed by the fact that she went back to sleep for only 15 minutes or so (after 5-10 minutes of crying). She was shouting and fussing again by 5:00, so after 15 minutes of that I just got up with her. I thought then Dean could get some more sleep, and to be honest I was ready to nurse.

When I went in Amelia's room, though, she was rolling around in the way she does when she is trying to go to back sleep. She sat up when she saw me, so I picked her up and we went downstairs. I sat with her to nurse, and she did--for about 20 seconds. Then she started crying and refusing my breast. "No, no," she said.

What in the world.

It quickly became clear that Amelia was not ready to get up. She is whiny and fussy and yawny. She was actually crying less in her crib than she has been since she has been up.

Her refusal of nursing has me truly dumbfounded. Yesterday morning she tried to nurse like 35 times. I was really happy with the plan of some nursing. Now my left breast is at least 2 cup sizes larger than the right and is leaking milk all over my bathrobe. And I am sad to think that I might have nursed for the last time without knowing it. Surely not. But who knows.

11:00 AM:

All morning, Amelia refused to nurse. I alternated between feeling sad and worried that nursing is over and surprised and relieved that weaning might be this easy. Before A's nap, we read books in the glider again. She nursed for a few seconds and then stopped, seeming to prefer to read. She patted my boob a lot while we read but refused to nurse every time I offered. Then we finished the books, and she said "Bye-bye?" like she does sometimes at night at bedtime. I said, "Night, night" and carried her into the bedroom. She was crying before we got to the crib. She screamed for a few minutes again, and I went in once but she had wound down enough in 3 or 4 minutes after my first reentry that I didn't go in again. After she was asleep I went in to check on her and her giraffe was on the floor. She throws it out when she is mad.

So sad.

To make matters worse I came upstairs to write this but before I did I googled self-weaning and 15 months and discovered that there is a such thing as a nursing strike. The LLL site I read (bad idea) gave me the impression that A could be not nursing because her feelings are hurt, something I actually said to Dean this morning. So now I feel guilty on top of everything else. Maybe she will nurse later. I really am not ready to wean totally. I was hoping for at least 3 more months of peaceful morning and afternoon sessions. But if it's a choice between not nursing at all and continuing the way we were going, with me being the only one who could put A to bed, or to soothe her at night, and with her nursing a million times a day with all of those teeth--then I guess I prefer this. But I am still sad.

Motherhood, will you ever stop being so confounding???

January 6, 11 AM:

I got over my worries (sort of) yesterday afternoon with encouragement from both my mom and from Dean that A is just probably ready to wean. Of course that didn't help my giant, swollen breast, but it was a start. And, I realized something amazing: I COULD GO TO AN EVENING YOGA CLASS. Gasp! I don't have to be at home to put Amelia to bed anymore!

So that is what I did. Dean got home at 5:15 or so and he and A left for swimming lessons, and I left for a yoga class! I was exhausted and hungry and very happy. It was not the most fabulous class ever as the instructor kept doing all of these cobra type poses that were not working well with my boob... situation. I just kept not doing those poses until he came over and asked if everything was okay.

"Yes," I said. He hovered, obviously wanting an explanation. I was not sure where to begin.

Finally, I just gestured to my left boob and said, "I'm weaning."

He looked blank.

"I'm weaning a baby," I said.

"Oh... okay," he said. "Let me know if I can do anything to help."

Okay, buddy! I don't think he understood what I said. Probably not something you get a lot of in the way of special conditions that affect your yoga practice. I was still super happy to be at a yoga class.

Anyway, Dean again put baby A to bed with no trouble. She cried out a few time last night, but only for a few minutes, not even long enough to make me wake up and look at the clock. She woke up around 5:20 or 5:30, and Dean got up with her at 5:45 when it was clear she was not going back to sleep. This morning, again, she said "No, no" to nursing, although she did try for just a second. I held her while she drank milk from a cup and ate Cheerios and tried not to be sad. She ate a big breakfast, a whole blueberry waffle with peanut butter and some raspberries and more milk. Then we went out to the store and she saw the Snap Pea Crisps I was buying and ate some of those.

Then we started a new activity, Mommy and Me Toddler Yoga, new to a nearby Denver studio. I am super excited about it. It was great fun. Toward the end of it Amelia got tired and clingy and...

NURSED

for about 5 minutes. It was a huge relief because my breast was swollen to the point that my whole arm hurt when I raised it over my head. And I really would like it if she would nurse just occasionally for a few more months. I am worried about what would happen if she got sick or something. Anyway, after 5 minutes, maybe less, I distracted her and we went back to yoga. On the way home she was falling asleep in her carseat just as we pulled in to the garage, so we came in and I did the stories in the glider thing. She did not cry until I actually placed her in her crib, but then she cried a LOT, a little over 20 minutes. It would be great if she would go down for naps as easily as bedtime, but naps are always harder than bedtime, at least for A. Anyway now she is peacefully snoozing and I am enjoying having a moderately pliable left breast.

January 7, 11:45 AM:

Yesterday afternoon, Amelia nursed twice more, once at the park and again when we got home, around 5:00. I temporarily abandoned the plan to limit her to the three times a day until she gets into the swing of the new routine.

Today's nap went better than yesterday. A only cried for 7-10 minutes. Bedtime continues to be a huge success. AND, Amelia is sleeping all the way through the night! I feel more rested already. Unfortunately, A seems to think the end of the night is at 4:30 or 5:00 AM, But when she gets up at those times, she is sleepy and fussy all morning. So that will be our next battle, I guess.

As I wrap up this week of big changes, I am very glad both that we have finally broken the pattern of nursing to sleep and that Amelia decided to nurse again, not only for my breasts' sake. I was sad to think that I had nursed for the last time unknowingly. I like the closeness and cuddlyness of nursing, and I like knowing that I have some milk in case Amelia gets sick and doesn't want to eat. It's still cold and flu season, after all. I would like to continue breastfeeding 2-3 times a day till 18 months, at least. Of course if this week has shown anything it's that you can't make plans with a baby. So we will see.

For the Record

There are a couple of things I wanted to record in yesterday's post, but as we know, I was interrupted. If I don't write this stuff down I forget it within two weeks.

First: teething. Yesterday I was going to write that Amelia seemed to be getting her molars but this morning we discovered that the one on the left side has almost broken through! Finally. She has been gnawing on things on that side and drooling like crazy. Now for the other side. Then, totally unexpectedly, while we were reading our pre-nap stories, I noticed that not one but both of the two bottom front teeth are coming through also! (These are the two on either side of the two very front teeth, which she already has.) So that is three new teeth at the same time. Maybe that has something to do with her disrupted sleep?

(Note: if you are Dean and you happen to be reading this, normally I would call you at work to inform you of this breaking news, but Amelia and I have plans to show you her new teeth when you get home. Try to look surprised.)

Second: naps. It has been a long time since I complained about naps and I wanted to record the progression what what has happened. If you recall, Amelia was moving from two naps to one and her doctor had suggested that I keep her up till 1:00, saying that if she napped in the morning I should wake her up after half an hour. I tried that once and let me say that it goes against every fiber in my mother being to wake a sleeping baby from a nap. But I did it and Amelia was sleepy again by noon. However we had unusual circumstances that afternoon and she ended up falling asleep in her stroller. In my second stupid move of that day, I tried to pick her up from the stroller and move her to her crib. It didn't work and that was the end of the waking-the-baby-from-a-nap experiment.

My next idea was to keep her up until 1:00. The problem with that is that she would wake up still crying and very tired in an hour or less. So I tried leaving her in the crib to see if she would go back to sleep. She would not. After that, I decided to forget the whole thing and let her sleep as long as she wanted whenever. For about two weeks she would go down anytime between 9 and 11:30 but then sleep for at least an hour and a half, sometimes nearly 2 hours. And this past week or so, she has been pretty consistently going down at 11:30 and sleeping for almost 2 hours.

So we have once again hit a predictable pattern, which makes everyone happy, mainly me. It's just so hard to plan anything when you have no idea when the baby will need to nap. With this pattern I know that if need be we can have a short outing in the morning and a longer one in the afternoon. The only sad thing is that most of Amelia's friends are still taking two naps so she is basically asleep when they are awake and vice versa. The other moms are very concerned that the two nap thing will end but actually, I prefer the one longer nap. Amelia's second nap was always unpredictable anyway. This way we actually get out of the house a bit more.

Anyway I am sure this new pattern will last only as long as it takes me to really start getting used to it--here's hoping that this riveting information about Amelia's naps and teeth have enriched your Friday. I am off to read.

Are You Sleeping? Continued...

Yes we are! We've been night weaning, and here's how things have been going:

CIO Night 2: Silence till 2:20. Yelling--not crying, just angry "Ba-ba-ba"'s for about an hour. Real crying for about 10 minutes. Dean went in to check. Initially, more angry crying, maybe 5 minutes worth, then silence. Slept till 6:15 or so with no night nursing.

CIO Night 3: Loud and sudden yell at 3:45. Silence. Babbling increasing to crying-ish sounds at 4:00. Waited a couple of minutes, nursed. Silence for 15 minutes, then quiet talking. Slept till 6:30 or later.

CIO Night 4: Less than one minute of crying at about 2:00. Crying at 4:30. Nursed, slept till 6:30.

CIO Night 5: No crying till 5:45. Nursed, slept till 7:00.

CIO Night 6: No crying till around 4:00. Nursed, slept till 6:45.

I forget what night we are on now, but the last couple of nights have looked a lot like night 6.

Yea!

I couple of things have really helped this time around. The main one is my true and firm commitment to not nursing Amelia between bedtime and 4am. Before I might have given in at 3:00 or 3:30 or 3:45, and the thought did cross my mind those first nights, but I stuck to my rule. It has really helped because nursing at 3:30 one night can lead to 3:00 the next, then 2:30, and suddenly it's 11:30 and you find yourself wrenched from your deep sleep and walking to the crib. I actually see now that we probably could have just gone with no night nursing at all--no milk till the morning--but the 4am limit helped me hang in there those first nights because I knew that at least we would get a few more hours of sleep in the early morning. I think I will go for total night weaning in a month or two, after we are (HOPEFULLY) more used to this new pattern, and I am able to bear the thought of losing those early morning hours of sleep for a few nights.

NOW... we are in the battle of the naps. I think Amelia might be switching from two naps to one. Notice how she did this just as I had gotten totally settled into the pattern of two naps. My days have gone nothing like that schedule I posted since the day I posted it. It has helped with the allotment of chores throughout the week, but that's it. She has been heartily resiting each and every nap. I am a bit at a loss about what to do. I think I am going to try moving her morning nap back later and later till I find a time at which she will go to sleep with less than 15 minutes of fussing and sleep for more than an hour. Preferably more than 2 hours if it's going to be her only nap. That's the ideal, anyway; we'll see what actually happens.

What's Amelia doing?

That's the question I often find myself asking Amelia, and then answering it for her. I guess this is how babies learn to talk. I also ask her "Where's Amelia going?" when I put her into the stroller or in the car seat, as a way of distracting her. She generally doesn't like to be put into things.

Anyway, I thought Amelia's fans might like to know what she's been up to these days. She is currently taking a late and, I hope, long nap after an exciting trip to the DMV. We have already taken two trips to the emissions testing station (the second not because we failed the test but because we had to get the "VIN" verified, something I didn't know and thus didn't have enough money to pay for the first time). She did well on all three trips, demonstrating yet again both her portability and her agreeableness. She actually seems to have a good time on these errands, because there are a lot of other people around with little to do except watch her play and coo and drool and smile and attempt to crawl, and Amelia loves an audience.

It's kind of astounding to both Dean and me how social Amelia is. When you point a camera at her, she gets all Vogue and drops her chin and smiles prettily. When she sees strangers, she stares at them till they look at her, then starts to flirt. If someone does not pay attention to her she is confused and slightly upset. She is a social bee. She did not get this from me or from Dean.

Here she is posing with some trail mix.



The nap turned out to be very short so I will give a summary of a few more Amelia facts. Her top front teeth are S-L-O-W-L-Y coming in. She is not crawling but has pulled herself up to a standing position by gripping a chair or something similar (such as the large stuffed elephant I bought at Goodwill for $5) several times. She very much likes to play with balls. She squeals and kicks her legs when you roll one to her. I think she understands "Hi!" and "Bye!" and waving to signal these things. She has been pitching huge crying fits at bathtime recently; we think it is because she is so tired by bathtime that she just can't go on. But she has been going to sleep at 6:30 and waking up at 5:15. (At 5:15, I shut her door, and we sort of ignore her cooing till it turns to a loud fuss around 5:45.) She will still spend a relatively long time pulling toys and items out of baskets, which is what she is doing now.

And yawning. Because of the short nap.

CIO

Everyone else in this house is sleeping, and I have been writing and sipping coffee. It's lovely.

On Monday and Tuesday I reached a breaking point with Amelia and the sleep thing. I was so, so tired. Bone tired, literally. Achy. Grouchy. I was standing in the market Tuesday, trying to buy lettuce and cheese, thinking it was the most difficult thing I had ever done. And it WAS kind of a hassle, because it was a tiny DC market whose aisles are too narrow for the stroller, and because I had forgotten the bike lock I had to park the stroller in a corner and carry the diaper bag, the groceries, and Amelia-who-lunges-at-all-she-sees, which was particularly difficult when it came time to pay. But in a dim corner of my brain, the thought occurred to me that this shouldn't be THIS hard, and that I should no longer be THIS tired.

So I turned to Dr. Wiessbluth.

I have done my share of complaining about Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I tried his methods around 5 months and they simply did not work. But we had made some progress with Amelia's sleep--she has been pretty consistently going down for a 1-2 hour morning nap, and without nursing to sleep. She nurses, then I put her in the crib, "drowsy but awake," and she cries. I come downstairs, set the kitchen timer for 10 minutes, and usually within 7 minutes she is asleep. If she is still crying hard after 10 minutes, I go soothe her, and we try again.

This method had started working for her afternoon nap, too, although if she does go down in her crib in the afternoon, it's usually only for 30-40 minutes. And I had made some progress in soothing her to sleep without nursing her, by turning her on her side and rubbing her back, sometimes holding her hands. But she was still waking up about 4 times a night, and I was nursing and rocking her back to sleep each time. I was back in bed in less than 10 minutes, but I was never getting more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. And on top of it all, Amelia was waking up for the day at 5 or 5:30 am. Once she got up at 4:30. Thank goodness, Luli was here that day, and they were early birds together.

So Wednesday night, we started CIO. Crying It Out.

There are lots of variations on crying it out, but we decided to go with full extinction, in which the baby cries and you don't go to her. (Dr. W says to remember that you aren't doing "nothing," that you are "letting the baby learn to go back to sleep.") My experience is that when I go in to Amelia at night, she wants to nurse, and it just makes her madder if you pick her up and put her back down. There is a variation where you wait 5 minutes, then go soothe, for 2 nights, and then wait 7 minutes for 2 nights, and so on, but that requires more time and effort, and my experience is also that when I get up with A, I want to do whatever it takes to get her back to sleep ASAP, and I could see myself just giving up with that method in 3 or 4 nights due to exhaustion. So Dean and I talked it over, decided we were both up to the task of letting her cry, and that our limit of how long she would cry would be an hour.

Wednesday night she woke up at 9:47 pm. Dean and I were in bed but not asleep yet. It actually made it easier that she woke up so early because I KNEW she wasn't hungry at 9:47 pm. She cried loudly but not hysterically for 30 minutes, then went to sleep. Success! I had more trouble sleeping. I was imagining that she was quiet because she had tangled herself in her blanket and strangled to death. After 30 minutes more of this fun thinking, I crept in her bedroom and peeked in her crib. The blanket was kind of wrapped around her legs, but she was fine. She cried for another 30 minutes at 1:40, then woke up and cried at 5:20. I just got up with her then, as I didn't want to feed her and put her back down, and I had had enough of listening to her cry. Plus, since I am used to feeding her 4 times a night, there was milk everywhere.

On Thursday morning, I realized A had a little cold. Turns out the baby of the mother who seduced me with crying it out at a playgroup on Monday WAS contagious, after all. So I worried all day about what we would do Thursday night. If A was sick, I didn't want to just let her cry, but if she wasn't crying due to her cold, I didn't want to ruin everything from the first night. We decided that if she cried a lot more or a lot worse than the night before, we would check on her, but otherwise we would keep going. Thursday night, she slept till 3:30, then cried for an hour. Since that was our limit I went to her, nursed her, and put her back down. She slept till 7 am!

Last night, her sniffles were much better, so I wasn't as worried. She slept till 12:30 or so, cried intermittently for about 30 minutes, then slept till 5. She fussed a bit, so I got up and fed her about 5:30, and she went back to sleep! She babbled a mildly fussy babble till about 6, and now, at 7:28 am, she is STILL ASLEEP!

So, all in all I think we are successful so far. I am definitely already getting more rest, and Amelia is too. I still suspect the CIO method isn't as foolproof as it gets credit for being, and I don't expect that all of our sleep issues are solved forever, as nice as that would be, but this method seems to be a good one for us right now. We'll see how it goes over the next few weeks. We have a lot of traveling in our futures.

"You Know We've Had Our Share..."

I am the worst for using snatches of old rock songs as post titles.

That song has been in my head a lot lately. "Good times, bad times" seems to sum up life with an infant pretty well. I don't think it takes a genius to infer from some of my posts (and lack thereof) that I find motherhood incredibly challenging. On the other hand, one reason behind the lack of posts is that motherhood has taught me the important lesson of slowing down. When I only attempt to tackle so much in one day, I am a happier person. Usually all I attempt to tackle these days is taking care of Amelia and doing what needs to be done for school, plus the usual household chores.

Anyway, I was thinking "Good Times, Bad Times" would make a good theme for a regular blog post. I'd like to do a better job of recording Amelia's babyhood. By definition, it is more than halfway over. She turned 6 months (and 26 weeks) old last Monday. She is 27 weeks old today. (As you recall, she was born on a Monday.) I think trying to jot down a few good and not so good things that are going on with Amelia and/or my life each week would help me get back into writing, as well as more accurately capture the realities of motherhood.

So, here we go--

Good times: it is spring. I love spring. For a while, in high school, I hated winter so much I counted down the days till the first day of spring. This spring has been early and beautiful, with only a few of those cold and windy days that creep in to torture you after everything blooms. We did have a few oddly, terrifically hot days creep in to torture us, but I withstand heat much better than cold--like rosemary--so that wasn't all that bad for me.

On the Amelia front--she is currently taking a nap--which is more than good; it is excellent. I've realized that 2 and 1/2 hours after she wakes up is a a good time to try for her first nap. We've started a little nap routine: going outside, diaper change, reading stories on the bed (A chews on the board books as I recite Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See and Moo Baa La La La from memory), then I nurse her a little and put her in the crib. I've been making sure she is not actually hungry at naptime, so that I can experiment with the "Pantley Gentle Removal" from The No Cry Sleep Solution. (Don't ask. You can probably guess.)

Another good thing is that I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I do not get to sleep through the night anymore. I guess I only recently realized the real conflict that might or does exist between sleeping through the night and breastfeeding. Again, as we recall, Amelia slept for 7-8 hours straight through from about 9-15 weeks and it was wonderful. So around 4 months when she started waking up 2-4 times a night to eat I was very upset--and exhausted. Now at 6 months she wakes up 1-3 times a night. Usually she only nurses on one side and I really don't think she's that hungry, but our experiments with crying it out didn't make anyone happy. Amelia seems to get to a point of being so upset that she just can't calm herself down. So I continue to bring her into our bed to feed her and then put her back in the crib. I am just trying to tell myself that eventually I will get more sleep. I haven't dropped dead from exhaustion yet (or thrown myself down the stairs, although the thought has occurred to me more than once) so I will probably make it through. Since I am blessed with a very healthy baby and a great milk supply, I assume that everything is going as it should be, and I try to remember to be thankful for those two incredible blessings.

Other good things: Amelia is learning to sit up on her own. She has some new solids: carrots, green beans, and this morning she sucked on a prune in a little mesh thing my mom sent her. She likes to eat ice in the mesh thing too. She laughs a lot, and she is rolling from back to front quite regularly. She is working on pushing up from her belly to hands and knees. It is not her favorite thing to do, but in the sake of her future mobility, it must be done.

Some bad times involve the grunting, whining Marge Simpson noise A makes when she does things she does not like to do. It drives me CRAZY! I think she might actually be teething, because she makes the noise so very much--and drools more than the drooliest drooly dog you ever met.

In general, I am sick of teaching, and I can't wait for the semester to be over. I feel like I am not doing a good job with teaching this semester. I never have enough time. I notice that I walk around with my shoulders leaning forward, something my yoga teachers attribute to "living in the future" and trying to accomplish too much. Makes sense to me.

On that note, I am going to try to use the remainder of A's nap time to practice a little yoga on my own. Speaking of good and bad times, though, we had a pretty big piece of news this week, which I plan to write about in a post of its own before the week is out--and oh! I have some great pictures of Amelia to put up--so stay tuned.