A Pilgrimage, An Offering

Amelia and I made a trek to The Children's Hospital on Wednesday to drop off some toys as a Christmas donation. Instead of exchanging gifts, our (very generous and wonderful) playgroup donated gifts for the hospital at a little playgroup holiday party Amelia and I hosted on Tuesday. We ended up with four big bags of toys, books, art supplies, DVDs and even a mini-DVD player to donate. While we were there, I also wanted to buy some Wagon Blend coffee to give as gifts this year.

I was a little worried about returning to Children's. If you don't know the story of our experience there, you can read about it here (scroll down to "Hospital Story Part 1 to start from the beginning). I woke up at 4:30 in the morning on Wednesday reliving a lot of the experience; then I wondered why I had it on my mind--funny. I was thinking it was kind of crazy to voluntarily return to the hospital. But I wanted to make an offering, however small, to the hospital for Christmas, in honor of all the great care Amelia received while she was there.


Amelia on her last day in the hospital

Amelia and I loaded up and left for Aurora around noon. She happily ate a special treat--a Wendy's Kids meal--on the way. The girl loves her hamburgers. When we arrived, we parked and walked into the lobby.

It's hard to describe how I felt. I did of course remember being in that lobby was a worried parent, and I could see the worry (and exhaustion) in several other parents' faces as soon as I walked in. But mainly I felt like what I was--a visitor. Amelia and I found the room where there were collecting donations, then found a little red wagon to take back out to the car and return with the rest of the gifts. Amelia enjoyed the wagon ride, the sticker she got, and the little toys they have in the lobby. After we dropped off the toys, we took the elevator to the 9th floor with a basket of chocolates and candy for the wonderful nurses who took care of Amelia. As I had expected, we didn't get to see any of them, but we left it in the hands of a kind hospital worker who promised to find the right people. On the way off the elevator, Amelia got her fingers caught and smooshed in the opening door. As she cried (mostly with rage) and I comforted her, it really hit me how much of a visitor to the hospital I really was. My perfectly healthy and stubborn child, who tried again to touch the elevator doors the very next time we got on the elevator, is just that--wonderfully, blessedly, healthy. And the primary emotion I felt throughout our pilgrimage to the hospital was gratitude. I feel so incredibly lucky that my and Dean's experience with a very sick child was so short. I am infinitely grateful for Amelia's health and infinitely grateful for Amelia.


Our happy, healthy 2-year-old

There is something that happened while we were in the hospital that I have not mentioned to many people, and never to anyone in full. It's a very small moment but also a very big one. While we where there, they were doing one of those radio fundraisers for the hospital. The lobby was often full of DJs and music and parents and patients telling their stories on the air. Once when I was leaving the hospital for some reason, a mother was with talking to the DJ. She was telling the story of her child's illness. It was an illness her child did not recover from, and she was describing the moment the doctor's told her that there was nothing more they could do for the child. I can't tell the whole story because I pretty much ran from the lobby in tears, but what I remember, what was hard to comprehend at the time and honestly, still is, is that she was speaking about how grateful she was--for all that the doctors and nurses did do for her child, for the time she had left with her child, and for the person her child still was. I am sorry to be writing about this stuff--it's brutal. But I will always remember that mother's voice, and her gratitude.

One of the scariest things to me about parenthood--and life--is that we don't know what's going to happen next. For now, I have a beautiful, healthy, vibrant, fun-loving daughter. Having her is the most challenging, the most interesting, the most wonder-full thing I have ever experienced. This Christmas season, I offer a heart filled with love and gratitude to all of the other wonderful people my life, to the friends and family and neighbors who make my rich life even better. I love you all, and I hope your holiday season and new year are as filled with blessings as my own life has been so far.


Merry Christmas from all of us

Some Pictures

Amelia's new bed!



Her duvet cover has little vegetables on it, and she got this stuffed broccoli pillow toy to match.



The Artist



The artist made a mess. (We made our own clay from flour and salt. We may never do it again.)



The artist, who did not nap AGAIN today, is very tired.

4 Fun Facts About Amelia

4. She has moved to a big girl bed! It's a twin mattress on the floor (with a bed rain to hold her in plus a baby gate at her doorway). I was very nervous about the change, but it's gone well, even seamlessly. We decided to make the switch because she was getting very angry about being put down for naps and sort of thrusting her upper body over the crib rail. It didn't seem like a good idea to let that continue. From the first night on, she has been sleeping like a baby.

3. She seems to be dropping her nap. I don't think it's because of the bed, but she does love the new bed, so she spends I'd say 3 out of 4 nap times playing in there. It's interesting because as far as I know she stays in the bed the whole "naptime," even when she's awake. If she doesn't fall asleep I leave her in her room to play for an hour or so. When she does fall asleep, it is often for a very long nap.

2. She did not fall asleep today, so the pictures of the new bed, which I had planned as the number one "fact" spot, will have to wait. Instead I will say

1. Dropping her nap? Really??? Heaven help me.

Seven Shorts

What I've Been Doing

Studying for the GRE--because I have decided to apply to the University of Denver's PhD in Creative Writing for the fall. !!! After looking into part-time teaching for this year, I decided again to stay with Amelia full time, but by next fall, I think both of us will be ready for a change of pace. My hope is that, if I do get into the program (which in several ways is a bit of a long shot), it will be a win-win situation. If you are admitted to the program, you automatically get a Teaching Assistantship. In my dream world, the TA-ship would pay for Amelia to go to preschool part time, and I would be able to arrange her school schedule with mine, and we would both live happily ever after, still spending a lot of time with each other but both venturing out on new scholastic adventures. We shall see. Anyway, I decided earlier in the fall to apply and see what happened, and then I found out I needed to retake the general GREs, since my scores were too old, AND take the Literature Subject Test. Studying ensured. The lit test was yesterday; I am very, VERY glad it's over. Go ahead, ask me what the Pardoner's Tale is about. Ask me to name Milton's major works. Ask me what an alexandrine is. I can answer. Now that the test is over, I need to write my application statement of purpose. The application is due January 1. Cross your fingers!

The Potty Train

This is what Amelia calls potty training. She is in the process. She had been wearing no diaper (and no underwear either, just pants, to avoid constant transitions between diapers and underwear) when we were hanging around the house for several weeks, and she had been doing really well with letting us know when she needs to go, so I decided to take the plunge and give real potty training a shot. Amelia had her first major outing without diapers last Sunday. Well, the first non-accidental one--I took her to the dinosaur bones museum a few weeks ago without a diaper, and luckily caught it before any mess was made. Most of the diaperless outings have gone well. There was one peeing incident at the playground, and she has had 2 or 3 accidents here at the house in the last few days, but overall it's going pretty smoothly. I got this little travel potty, which so far I have only used as a seat on large toilets when we are away from the house, but it looks good for emergencies. I am excited about the thought of Amelia being potty trained, but the stage we are in right now is still a lot of work (dropping everything to run to the potty; sitting there a LONG time; trying to teach Amelia it is not necessary to put half a roll of toilet paper in the toilet just for fun; distinguishing the art of hand-washing from the art of playtime in the sink; etc). But Amelia was definitely showing signs of readiness, so here we are. Again, we shall see.

Mangoroo

Amelia's word for flamingo.

Exchange

Daddy: What is Amelia eating?

Amelia: Strawberries!

Daddy: Where are those strawberries from?

Amelia: From Momma!

Daddy: Where did Momma get them?

Amelia: From a box with a rubber band on it!

Daddy: (laughing) And where did the box come from?

Amelia: From the fridge!

Daddy: (laughing)

Amelia: And from the car, and the grocery store!

Sleepy Bear

Amelia, for the record, has been sleeping GREAT at night since we weaned. There have been maybe 2 or 3 nights she has woken up from what we guess are bad dreams, and one night she was up with a bad cough. Other than that, EXCELLENT SLEEP. Hallelujiah. Naps are still variable, but seem to be shortening. Today, only an hour. Yikes. She has been going down for naps at 1:30 for a month or two. She dislikes the idea of a nap very much (she goes down, but with a fight--the opposite of bedtime, which is now quite peaceful) but I feel like she still needs them; she is definitely yawning and grumpy by naptime. Still, I am not sure how much longer we have with them. Oh, and also for the record, Amelia was sleeping from 8pm-7 am. Then the time changed (I am pretty sure only people without young children like "falling back") and she has been waking up earlier, but still till 6:30 or 6:45. It's so humane! I am deeply grateful to finally be the parent of a "good sleeper." I feel like my time has come.

Amelia's Favorite Games

Amelia is getting very good at entertaining herself. She likes to push her grocery cart around; sing Happy Birthday to You while you hold a plastic cupcake, and then give you an imaginary "special bag" (a favor bag with "ittle fogs in it"); look at books by herself in our gray chair; read books with me and Dean ("Again! Again!"), play with her farm set while sitting on the heating vent; and generally boss around her dolls and animals, including having them kick or hit each other and then gravely admonishing the misbehaving animal and getting the abused animal a toy. She also likes to put her animals to sleep and wake them up. It is really neat to see her imagination develop. Lots of fun.

Twinkle, Twinkle





Amelia was a star for Halloween. Udi made her costume, which got many, many compliments, because it very was adorable. Halloween was great. Although this was, tehnically, Amelia's third Halloween, it felt like her first. She understood the basics of dressing up and trick or treating, and when the time came, she LOVED it. We trick-or-treated for about an hour, just around our block and a street or two over, and Amelia was giggling with delight almost the whole time, clutching her treats (even after the pumpkin got very heavy). After the first couple of houses we tried didn't answer their doors (despite having porch lights on) and we told her they weren't ready, she would pause in front of each and ask us "Is this house ready?" Dean and I took turns accompanying her to ring doorbells and saying trick-or-treat. I had a lot of fun too. I grew up in a place where trick or treating involved driving for miles between houses, so it was really fun to be in a neighborhood, my neighborhood. And it was a really nice night, warm, with a crescent moon in the sky. It made me deeply, deeply glad we had Amelia to go trick-or-treating with. So much fun!

Birthday Party

I realized I never actually put up shots of Amelia's second birthday party! It was a fun morning. We had planned to have the party at a nearby park, but what turned out to be the only cold and rainy day in a span of many weekends made us decide to have it at home. We had bagels, coffee, fruit and cupcakes. Amelia had a slightly runny nose the morning of the party, so I texted all of my mom friends a heads up. Bravely, everyone came, and as far as I know, no one else caught a cold. Amelia had a good time playing with friends, opening presents and, of course, eating cupcakes, although I think she was at times overwhelmed by the crowd and attention. It was a good party!




Birthday girl in her party dress



Cupcakes!



Make a wish!





Opening presents



Doll from Gano and Susan




Post-party, holding birthday balloons (you can see her little red nose!)

Friendship: A Story in Pictures

Are You Ready?

Another birthday present (with great thanks to Uncle Jes and Aunt Kim--and cousin Micah, of course)! She loves this, and by now has even figured out how to ride on it herself.

Presents and more presents

Guitar from Nanny



Dollhouse from Grand-Aunt Linda



Sandbox, built by Guru on Amelia's birthday!

Birthday Presents!

Amelia started receiving presents in the mail early this week. She opened a few of them early, and yesterday she opened several more. She still has a few to open, and considering that we are having a little party for her on Saturday, she is truly having a "birthweek" instead of a birthday. Since so many presents are from family and friends far away, I am trying to video her opening them or playing with them, so you can all share in the fun. I will be posting lots of videos over the next couple of days, so stay tuned!

First, here is Amelia opening a gift from her Poppa!

Letter to my Daughter

Dear Amelia,

Today you are two!

Whew.

Two years ago today, I woke up early, thinking of you. Late that evening, you joined us in the world.

A dear friend of mine just had her first baby. When I look at pictures of them, I see the awe in my friend's face, the way she cradles her daughter's head, holds her tiny fingers, touches her soft face. It is clear: she is in love.

When I first saw these pictures a few weeks ago, I was a little sad, because I don't remember feeling that way when you were a newborn. To be clear, I loved you fiercely. I was deeply happy you were with us, and I would have done anything--thrown myself in front of a bus, fought with a lion--to protect you, with no fear or qualms. Your life immediately became the most important thing in mine. But I was so very tired. I was overwhelmed, and very, very tired. I was worried about how motherhood would affect other parts of my life, specifically my writing. And did I mention I was very, very tired?

But a few weeks ago, watching you play, I realized--this is what it is to be in love with your child. At some point, maybe not when you were born or when you were a newborn, but at some point--I truly fell in love with you. Looking at you now, I love your little hands, your long, funny toes, your eyelashes, your belly with its scar. I love the way you play, bossing and tricking and soothing your animals. I love the way you sing and dance. I love the way you climb up the slide. I love your spirit and your voice and the way you chew with your mouth open, the sound it makes. I love you!

On your second birthday, I wanted to share a few things I have learned over the past two years. These are things, Amelia, that you taught me, that I don't think I would have learned without you.

First, you are never finished. With lists, with chores, with playtime and resting, things are never really "complete." Before you were born, and for a long time after, this fact of life was very stressful to me. I felt like I needed to "finish" everything before I could rest or relax. But now, I have learned to calm down, to ignore the mess sometimes, to allow myself more down time and rest time. I have gradually learned that the fact that every day brings a new mess and new challenges is a blessing. It keeps life full and interesting. Life is here for us to live, not to finish.

You have taught me the meaning behind the phrase "This too shall pass." The bad stuff--teething, tantrums, exhaustion, and if you are lucky like we were this year, illnesses--passes, and the good stuff passes too. There have been many times during the past two years at which your Dad and I have wanted to freeze time, because you were so cute and charming and lovely, we would keep you that way if we could. Having you has taught me to live more in the moment, to smile or breathe through the hard stuff and to be still and treasure the good.

And you have taught me that there is so much love in the world. There are so very many people who love you, Amelia: me and your Dad, your Nanny and Poppa and Luli and Guru, your aunts and uncles and Grand-aunts and Grand-uncles, your Gano and Poppa Brown, and your big "the family" and too many other people to name. And you have brought a lot of friendship into my life too--yesterday we hosted a birthday party for one of your friends, and I was looking at all the people, other moms and dads and toddlers and babies, in my house, thinking that I never would have met these people if it weren't for you. You have caused me to make new friends and reconnect with old ones. You have made me a more outgoing, more community- and family-minded person, and you have brought a lot of joy into my life.

Finally, Amelia, you are so much fun! At two, you are a fabulous talker, and you have a lot to say. You seem to charm everyone you meet. You are earnest, funny, and kind. You try hard to share even when you don't want to. You love to help. You love to read, collect rocks and leaves, and play with your many animal friends. You make every day an adventure, and I am so glad you are here.

There is more I could say, but you are awake, so I will join you to greet another lovely autumn day. Happy birthday, Amelia. You are wonderful.

Love,

Your Momma

In Honor of Months

For the first 12 weeks of your baby's life, you count her age in weeks. Around 12 weeks, most people move to counting in months and count that way for almost 2 years. After 24 months, it's more rare to hear kids' ages being given in months, although many parents still keep track (and I have definitely heard my share of moms discussing their "28-month-old" or even "34-month-old." In any case, on her last day as a 23-month-old, here is a journey back through the months of Amelia's life, so far.




Birth



Newborn, a few days old



1 Month



2 Months



3 Months



4 Months



5 Months



6 Months



7 Months



8 Months



9 Months



10 Months



11 Months



12 Months



13 Months



14 Months



15 Months



16 Months



17 Months



18 Months



19 Months



20 Months



21 Months



22 Months



23 Months