Don't worry, I have the baby.

I've been entertaining myself to no end with that thought. Like I'll want to call Dean or send an email: "Don't worry, the baby's with me." It's hilarious, in my view. And when I'm doing something, I'll think about the baby and I doing it. "The baby and I are driving to College Park." "The baby and I are at a poetry reading." "The baby and I are amused that this student, who does not know that his teacher is pregnant and thus has the sense of smell of a bloodhound with superpowers, has come to his conference having just smoked weed." Etc.

It came about the other day when I was looking in the mirror at my belly. I was thinking about all the people who are so excited about the baby-- grandparents-to-be, our friends, other family members-- and it occurred to me that I have the baby. The baby that everyone is so excited about is with me. It felt like an honor.

Yes, folks, I think I've officially entered the second trimester, complete with LACK OF NAUSEA, a supposed "glow" (as reported by Laura), and happy, happy thoughts about the pregnancy. This video, sent to me by a friend, made me cry. I was afraid the second trimester was a myth, but it's true! (I'm having "chicken or the egg" thoughts about the coincidence of the feeling better with the happiness. Do you feel better because you're happy, or vice versa?)

But now that I'm not IN it, I have some things to say about the morning sickness. First, we should stop calling it morning sickness. It's criminal. All of these innocent women, considering having a baby: sure, we've heard of morning sickness. We've seen the women on TV throwing up in the morning. They finish, wipe their mouths, and move on with their days. We can handle "morning sickness." I thought (when I thought about it at all, which was not very much) that I'd maybe feel a little sick sometimes, and then feel okay, and bop about my merry way for the first few months until I started to show and plan baby showers.

To all of my non-mother friends out there, who might one day be pregnant, this is important: The Pregnancy Starts To Change Your Life Immediately. If/when you become pregnant, you might be lucky and not feel sick, and I fervently hope that's the case, because I wouldn't wish "morning sickness" on anyone, but you might very well feel like death warmed over for up to and over 2 and a half months.

For the record, I felt TERRIBLE from about 6 weeks to about 13 and a half weeks (about last Thursday). I threw up at least once a day for about 70% of that time (actually, usually in the morning, but sometimes randomly in the afternoon). I felt simultaneously queasy and hungry for most of the day and night. A myriad of smells made me gag, including coffee and cooking garlic, both scents I usually love. Sometimes I gagged for no apparent reason, such as when I was walking down the street. I wanted to eat, but the thought of most food was revolting. Sometimes I had very bad headaches. Sometimes I was so tired I literally thought I would not be able to get up off the Metro to change trains. I imagined just sitting there on the Red Line all day, going back and forth between Glenmont and Shady Grove, till someone kicked me off. There were good days, days when I gardened or did something fun with Dean or a friend, and good hours even on bad days, but for the most part, I felt awful.

I was also worried. I was worried about the baby, because other that the (many) pregnancy tests I took, I had no other sign besides the sickness that I was pregnant till about 10 weeks, when I heard the heartbeat. I wondered if it was okay, if I had somehow hurt it before I knew I was pregnant, if it was getting enough nutrients. I worried about not doing a good enough job on teaching when I was so distracted by feeling bad. I worried about not writing enough. I worried that we had ruined our lives, and spent almost every Friday night sobbing on the couch in exhaustion. (It was a lot of fun for Dean.)

I know, those last 2 paragraphs are a real downer. But I really, really want to record how I felt, because I am quickly forgetting, and it was real. I think what happens is, for women who do feel sick or sicker than I did, that once you get over it, you're so incredibly HAPPY. And it doesn't seem to matter anymore. Maybe it doesn't matter, but it still happened, and I want to record it. I think the first trimester of pregnancy doesn't get enough attention. But it's an extremely important time for the baby, and it can, in my experience, be a very difficult time for the mother. It's a lonely time. You might not be sharing your pregnancy with many people yet, no one can SEE that you're pregnant, and for the most part, no one can see how you feel. You're adjusting to the idea of being a mother. If you're like me, you have a very wonderful partner to make you grits and eggs when you're starving but the refrigerator smells make you gag, but even if you're that lucky (and some women aren't, like a certain single mother I know, who deserves a medal), even your partner doesn't really know how you feel, and can't do much else to help. I just think we should better acknowledge that the first trimester can be a difficult time, even if you're thrilled to be pregnant. I don't know if reading something like I've just written would have made me better prepared for the first part of pregnancy, but it might have.

And I'm not saying I would have postponed the pregnancy had I known all this. I might have, considering that I ended up spending a lot of prime writing hours huddled on the couch under a big brown blanket. But I don't think I would have. And I'm not saying, either, that it totally sucked and nothing good came out of it. The nausea DID totally suck, but at the same time, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I can make a gag sound like a sneeze. I learned that I can do a LOT even when I don't feel good. For the most part, I managed to teach, keep up with grading, meet with my adviser, volunteer once a week, and do my usual household stuff even through the tiredness and queasiness. I even wrote a new poem. On the other hand, I also learned what can be let go of when necessary--I can skip vacuuming, get a sub for Street Sense, cancel a class if I have to, let the writing go. It will be there when I get back. I think these are going to be very important lessons for the future, such as, perhaps, the third trimester, which gets mixed reviews, or the time right after the baby is born, which I am terrified about, or, oh, say, THE REST OF MY LIFE, in which I will have a child to take care of.

Anyway--and anyone who's read the blog since I started it, or read this far in this post for that matter, is probably glad to hear this-- I don't expect to write or think about "morning sickness" much anymore, and I am very, very glad to be rid of it. But it was important to me to record a reflection on the last few months.

Now, I am very much looking forward to the fun things about pregnancy, such as planning a shower, finding out if the baby's a boy or a girl, picking out a name, arranging a nursery (or turning the hallway into a nursery), and walking around with a smug "I'm pregnant and blissful" expression. And it's spring! My favorite season. I love the warmth.

In the meantime, don't worry: I have the baby. And we need to go work on my thesis, which is officially due Monday!