Letter to My Baby

Dear Amelia,

Today you are one year old. The morning started off like most of our mornings, except we think that Suki woke you up meowing. Your daddy got you out of your crib, played with you, and then brought you to me in bed to nurse. You laugh with excitement when you get in the bed. You like to play with us and climb on the pillows and the headboard. It's why we can't bring you there to actually sleep.

After you went down for your morning nap, I checked my email. Every week I get a newsletter from a website called babycenter.com. It is about you. It always says "My Baby This Week" and it tells about the development of a baby your age. Today it says "My Toddler This Week."

I read the title and burst into tears.

I have been excited for you to turn one for a long time! You are so much fun and get more fun every day. We think you know how to say "baby" and "bye" and "hi" and "ball." And possibly "baby shoes." You like to dance when you hear music. You love to make people laugh. You are learning how to walk. So I am not really sad that you are turning into a toddler. But still I have been crying on and off all morning.

I told your daddy about the email and he said, "Don't worry. She's still our baby, and will be for a long time."

There is so much I have wanted to write about you and to you this past year. I have written it in my head on walks and at nighttime but most of it never made it to paper. I wanted to describe each little change in you. I wanted to write all about my hopes for you. I wanted to write everything I remember about your baby year before I forget more than I already have.

But since I have had you, I have to live more in the moment. We play and sing and walk and eat and nurse and climb the stairs. You are not one to sit at the computer unless you can bang on the keys. So much of what I wanted to write has been lost. Even today I know I can't write all that I want to. You are napping but you will wake up soon.

So here are just a few things I will say, on your first birthday:

I remember when the ultrasound technician said "It looks like you are having a little girl!" and being so surprised, and later so happy.

I remember last year on this day, your due date and the day you were born, your daddy walking around saying, "What a punctual baby!"

I remember driving to the hospital listening to The Beastie Boys, watching the fall light on the leaves. I remember giving someone directions at a stoplight, between contractions.

I remember feeling like I was losing something, waiting in the lobby of the hospital to be taken back to a room.

I remember your daddy holding you for 3 hours after you were born, in the middle of the night.

I remember when you got your first teeth.

I remember thinking I would never get to sleep again. (I still think that sometimes.)

I remember when you first liked to read books. Your three favorite books so far have all involved a peek-a-boo surprise.

I remember, just the other day, when you heard music and began to dance.

You are waking up, talking in your crib. When I go in to you you will be standing, talking, holding out your giraffe to me. So quickly, one birthday wish for you:

I have been thinking lately about your future life, and how happy I want you to be. How tempted I am to wish you a life with no trouble, no hardship. But besides the fact that such a life is impossible, I don't think I would wish it for you, because when I think back on my life, it is the hard times and the troubles as much as the happy times and the blessings that have made me the person that I am. I can't imagine what your troubles will be, and I find it heartbreaking that you will have any. But I hope that no matter what happen in your life, that you always know how many people there are in the world who love you. I hope you always know how much I love you and how much your daddy loves you. All of these people will do anything to help you. We see the beautiful, sweet, funny, social, loving baby that you are, and we can't wait to see the person you will become. Happy birthday, Amelia! I have a feeling you will knock our socks off.

All my love,

your momma