Snapshots of a three-year-old

I just realized we've hardly taken any pictures of Amelia since she turned three! I am going to try to take some today.

We're very busy these days. Also, I have become better at living in the moment. This results in more peace overall but also a dirty house and an un-updated blog. I almost decided to shut this whole blog down, replacing it with a photo website of some kind. There are a few other writing projects I have been trying to focus on, and I felt bad about how little I write here.

But I decided not to. For one thing, as much as I admire people who record a sentence a day or a photo of their child a day,  this is the only place I have consistently recorded Amelia's life. It would be sad to end it.

Plus, in retrospect, I suppose the silence will be telling. There is a book I found in a used bookstore in DC (Amelia in her Ergo carrier) called "The Seven Stages of Motherhood." I like its personal stories and the way it presents motherhood as a knowable path. The chapter on mothering a preschooler (age 3-5) is called "Trying to Do It All."

That sums things up pretty well. Since Amelia started school, I have had more time to fill, and sometimes I try to fill it with EVERYTHING: cleaning, cooking, yoga, writing, shopping, errands. Yet Amelia is only in school a few days a week, and I also started a teaching job. (!) I haven't written about it here, but it started back in the fall. Officially, I am a "Young Writers Outreach Instructor" for Denver's Lighthouse Writers. It's an amazing job--basically I am a visiting writer going into schools to teach craft--and it fell into my lap with absolutely no work on my part (other than the fact that I joined Lighthouse Writers, the best writers' group ever). I took a session teaching 9th and 10th graders for 3 days a week in the fall, and then took another 7-week session of pretty much the same gig. I also taught a 6-week course back in the spring and worked for a week at their Summer Writing Camp. I love being a "writer in the schools"--it has been a dream of mine to teach writing as a visiting writer since I was a high school teacher. I love the job.

At the same time, the job has created some stress. For one thing, the teaching ends midday, around the time the half day program for Amelia's school ends. Amelia's teacher said I could pick her up late, but in the meantime, Amelia began--drumroll--NAPPING AT SCHOOL. So I usually pick her up around 2 or 3, after the kids wake up, have a snack, and go outside to play. It's cute to come pick her up and see "all the friends" in their coats and hats and sunglasses (required) playing. One day they were barking like puppies and I could hear them a block away. Still, it's more school than I had planned for Amelia this year.

Also, teaching always ends up taking time away from writing. During my first fall teaching session, I hardly wrote my own stuff at all. For this second session, I started out with a stricter schedule for myself, and I was doing well with it--for one week. The second week of the session, Amelia got the flu (EVEN THOUGH SHE GOT A FLU SHOT). So I stayed home to be with her. I am very thankful I have the kind of life that allows me to stop everything to be with my baby when she needs me, so this is not meant to be a complaint, but it does seem like every time I get on a roll with writing, something happens--we go on a trip, someone gets sick, etc.

On the other hand, after three years of motherhood, I've learned that "all things pass." So I will get back on the roll again soon. This week, I am just glad for a healthy child. And the fact that I don't have the flu.

Anyway, here are some "snaphots" of our three-year-old. Real snapshots to come later today!

Amelia visits Santa: She was annoyed that she had to wait in line. She was the only kid not dressed up in fancy Christmas clothes. Between kids, the elves furtively shielded Santa while he used hand sanitizer. When it was her turn, Amelia said she was "nervous" and I told her she didn't have to see Santa, but she bolstered her courage, sat in his lap, and asked for a robot. He kept prompting her "what else?," which I thought was unnecessary. Just a robot, Santa!

Amelia and the "scary room:" A couple of weeks ago, I woke up around 11 pm to Amelia calling me into her room. She said "something's scary!" and pointed vaguely to the corner of her room. I held her hand while she fell asleep again, but she woke up 3 more times that night. According to The Happiest Toddler on the Block, a book I cannot recommend enough, it's normal for kids develop fears around this age. Using the ideas in the book, I rallied the next day, and we rearranged Amelia's room. It did sort of look scary in the corner: the combination of the nightlight in the corner plus a bookshelf that has a tree branch on it made strange shadows, plus we had her humidifier over there, emitting a spooky mist. So I moved all that around and put her night light right beside her bed. Also, we gave her a flashlight and made some special spray (water and lavender oil) to spray at scary things. And, we remover her bed rail and told her she could get out of bed and turn on her light if she wanted to see her room.

This marks the major parenting victory of my life so far: all this worked! Amelia loved having her night light closer, being a "big girl" with no bed rail, and getting out of bed to turn on her light. The first night at bedtime, we heard her light turn on and off about 10 times. In the meantime, to tempt her back into her own bed after 4-5 days of sleeping with Mama while being sick, we put Christmas lights up beside her bed. The first night those were up, she played in her bed for over an hour and a half before finally dropping off to sleep.

What else? I can't think of the other stories I wanted to tell, so here are a few fun facts. Amelia can spell her name and I think she can spell "Daddy" (she and Dean play with foam bathtub letters in the bath a lot). She can count up to 30 or so sometimes--I have heard her do it, but other times she refuses or does it wrong as a joke. She knows the sounds for most of the letters (I made up a song with letter sounds one day in desperation, trying to lull her to sleep, and it took). She loves the "Jennifer stories" I tell her sometimes to distract her while brushing her hair or the like--Jennifer is a girl just Amelia's age, again made up by me in desperation one day--I was trying to use Jennifer as an example of something, like a little story with a moral--"Jennifer didn't want her Mama to brush her hair, but her hair got so tangled she had to cut it all off!" But it turns out Amelia LOVES stories where Jennifer is "naughty:" Jennifer squeezes all of toothpaste out of the tube, refuses to share with her baby brother, dumps her food on the floor, much to Amelia's delight. I am not sure what this means, but in any case, Amelia loves stories and songs. She sometimes even makes up her own stories and songs, something I should try harder to get on tape.

I am sure there is a lot I am missing, but that's a peek into life here lately. Check back later for some real "snapshots" of Amelia!

401

This is my 401st post on QuestionAir. What better way to celebrate than with an old-fashioned Random Update?

The sweet

Amelia is a sweetheart. She loves to sing. She has been watching short nursery rhyme videos on the ipad (look for "Mother Goose Club" or "Snap Smart Kids" on YouTube) while I clean up in the mornings, and it is one of her favorite things to do. She has not liked TV much in the past so it is a relief to have found something that will entertain her for 10 or 15 minutes.

She will sing along to the videos and sing them by herself while she is playing, but she also likes to makes up her own nonsense words to the tune of the rhymes. She makes herself (and me and Dean) laugh and laugh doing this. I will try to post a video soon.

In other playtime news, she very much likes her baby dolls. She will rock them, sing to them, feed them, and also make them whine and then try to figure out what's wrong with them. I wonder where she got that from? It actually brings us around to

The not-so-sweet

We have had our fair share of whining and bratty two-year-old behavior these days. The worst is mysterious whining early in the morning. Amelia will go from happy and sunny to a big toddler mess in a fraction of the second. I can usually discern reasons for the bad moments--teething or hunger or tiredness, for example. I feel like I have been blaming the whining on Amelia's two-year molars for about two years, but THEY ARE STILL NOT IN. She is sometimes overtired because she is not napping--more on that below. But sometimes the behavior just feels like plain old bad behavior.

For example, Amelia likes to climb into her car seat by herself. She usually does it reasonably quickly. "Reasonably quickly" in Amelia-time means much longer than in regular time, but I can deal. However, yesterday she wouldn't climb in and wouldn't climb in, and I was standing in the snow (!) waiting, so finally I said, "Amelia, please climb in your carseat or I am going to put you in it."

"I wanna do it by myself," she said.

"Okay," I said. "Then do it, please."

And she VERY, VERY slowly moved about one inch toward the seat. She stopped to look at me with wide and what can only be described as testing eyes. She wanted to see how much I was going to put up with or how slow she could go.

So I picked her up and put her in. This did not go very well. Have you ever tried to put unwilling two-year-old in a carseat? I felt terrible forcing her in it, but it felt like one of those parent moments when you have to follow through or things will get much worse. She cried about wanting to do it by herself. I said I understood and that next time she got in, she would have another chance to try again to climb in by herself right when Mama asked her to. We held hands and I talked about feelings. (Mama feels frustrated when Amelia doesn't do what Mama asks her to; Amelia feels angry that she did not get into her seat by herself.) She calmed down. The next time we had to get in the car, I reminded her she had one chance to get in quickly, and she did it.

So that problem is now solved forever, right?

The other thing we are working on is saying please and thank you. Amelia absolutely refuses to say thank you to anyone when we are out, like if the librarian gives her a special stamp. I know she feels shy so I don't push that much for now, but at home she sometimes sounds like a tiny dictator. "Mama, get me that juice." "Daddy, I want that toy." So last week, I wrote "PLEASE" and "THANK YOU" on some leftover Valentine hearts. Amelia decorated them with stickers and we taped them up all over the house. It reminds me and Dean to model please and thank you in our requests to Amelia and to each other, and to repeat Amelia's requests in a polite way before we fulfill them. I have been trying to avoid turning asking her say please for things into a power struggle, mainly by getting really excited when she does say it, especially on her own. I just try to remember that like everything else, teaching manners is a process.


Speaking of sleep

Naps are rare. It seems like Amelia tends to nap on Wednesdays, for some reason. Usually she just plays in her bed for an hour or so, sometimes happily, sometimes suddenly yelling "Mama, come here!" in the middle of her playtime. If she does fall asleep, she will sleep for about two hours. She continues to sleep very well at night, and I continue to be extremely thankful for that fact. When she doesn't nap, we put her to bed early. Last night she was in bed at 6:45. She talked and sang to herself for awhile and then fell asleep by 7:15, and slept till 6:25 this morning.

Teeth

Dear two-year-molars, you are terrible things. Please grow more quickly.

Mama's life

Since not being accepted to DU, I have been a little overwhelmed at how quickly all of the other things I wanted to do, writing-wise, have started to happen. I signed up for a poetry workshop, and that is going very well. I took a book review class and contacted an editor about writing my first review. I was contacted, out of the blue, about teaching a youth poetry class for an 8-week session. And, through a friend, I applied and was accepted to write at Examiner.com. I am now the "Denver Stay-at-Home Mom Examiner." You can read my first article here.

Several people have asked my if I will apply to DU again next year. I will not. I did my best on the application, and I am fairly if not totally certain that the reason I was not accepted is that my writing was simply not a good fit for the program. If you're not particularly into contemporary poetry, this might not make much sense, but the short explanation is that DU and the journal it produces, the Denver Quarterly, is known for experimental writing. I am not an experimental writer. (I could get into how all writing is experimental, but as far as the label "experimental" goes, it doesn't apply to me.) There are other programs I am confident I could get into, thank you very much, but they are in places very far from Denver, so for now I am going to keep working and writing on my own and look for other ways to create the writing life I would like to have, with the added bonus that I can do it at my own pace.

Some things I am thankful for
Spring weather, which has returned today after yesterday's snow. My wonderful husband, who returned from a long trip last week. The tiny plants that are starting to grow, a sign of the summer to come. The odd moments I have to write. My wonderful child. I realized the other day I will be truly and deeply sad when I don't have a toddler anymore. Amelia will be exactly two and half tomorrow.

6 years ago today,

on a beautiful June afternoon,



surrounded by people we love,



I married my best friend.

Mount Sniktau

Dean and I went on our first Amelia-free hike yesterday! It was probably the longest period we have spent together away from her since she was born.

We climbed Mount Sniktau. It was a morning of false starts. We had planned to go on another hike, one that involved driving up to Guanella Pass, a pass that just reopened after being closed for over a year due to an avalanche. Yikes. But when we got to the road for the pass, there was a sign that said it was closed from 8-11 and 1-3. This was about 7:30 am, and we knew we would have to be back to the car by around 12:30 to avoid being stuck there till 3. We decided to go to Sniktau so we wouldn't have to be rushed.

It was a good choice. First we spent about half an hour hiking on the wrong trail, and then we started out hike on the correct trail, up a steep "hill." A very steep "hill."



This picture does not capture the steepness.

If you read the description of the hike on the link above, it sounds pretty easy. But it's Rocky Mountain easy, which to people like me means it's still pretty hard. I had a difficult time on the beginning of the hike. Even though it's "only" 13,234 feet high (really, website author? "Only"?) I got out of breath pretty quickly. It's a crazy out of breath feeling, too, not like you have been running too long, just like you took about 5 steps and you can't catch your breath. But Dean was patient and we finally made through the first section of the climb, up to a point at about 12,500 feet of elevation. We hid from the wind behind some rocks, had a snack and enjoyed the view.





Then we got started on the second leg of the trip, to "point 13,152."



It was cold! And very windy.



We climbed along this ridge. It reminded me of a black and white cookie, which should give you a clue about how many times we stopped to eat a snack.

After the initial climb, the hike was much easier, even though we still had a climb. I think the beginning was so hard because I wasn't used to it. Once I got through the first climb I was more in the hiking zone.



These mountains are a winterscape. This is Torrys Peak, a 14er.



This is another shot of our trail along the ridge.



This is a view of interstate 70 from the summit. You can see the Eisenhower Tunnel, tiny from this view.



After another snack and rest at the summit, we made our way back down the rocky trail. On our return trip, we noticed tiny patches of wildflowers. Such a harsh place to live!



We got back to the car around noon, so we drove through the town of Dillon to eat lunch (delicious portabella and pepper cheese"steaks" and fries!). It's a lovely little town beside a lake, much warmer than the mountains so close by. See the avalanche paths on the mountain in this picture?

Despite the challenges, or maybe even because of them, it was a really nice day. It was great to hike with Dean without worrying about Amelia or listening to her make her Marge Simpson "get me out of this backpack" noise. (And this hike was definitely too cold and windy for her--plus she had a fabulous time with her Ewee and Inna). I couldn't post yesterday about the hike because I had what I deemed exposure exhaustion. The sun, wind, cold and elevation really take something out of you. But the feeling of being at the top of a mountain after a long climb is like nothing else. It's a kind of freedom. I am glad I have a partner whose idea of fun is climbing tall mountains, because otherwise I might not do it, and I would be missing out on something incredibly beautiful.

Special Guest Post-

All of the guest posts have been special to me, but this one was written by someone whose writing--be it an email, a legal brief, a note on a birthday card, or what's below--always makes me fall for him a little harder.

Until I got to college, I saw poetry as I suppose many teenagers do -- an outlet
for emotion and pent-up angst. My first poetry class, one on 20th century poetry, changed all that. For the most part, I couldn't understand the poetry we read on my own. But the instructor -- Dr. Lensing, for those who took English classes at UNC -- was very good at explaining them, not just what they meant, but the subtle beauties in sound, texture, and rhythm. I liked virtually everything we studied, but I was particularly drawn to the likes of Philip Larkin, e.e. cummings, Elizabeth Bishop, and Robert Frost. I suppose these poets are very different from one another, but one thing they have in common -- and probably what drew me to each of them -- is their relative straightforwardness. They all write beautifully precise poems using simple language and form. No need for a dictionary or a scholar's command of literature. By now I've realized that, like Liz Self, I like poetry I don't have to work too hard at.

Which brings me to the real subject of this post. I met Kim in college. There were a lot of things I fell in love with about her, but a main one was her writing. I bragged to my roomates about it and made them read her poems. (None were poetry-reading types, but they were patient.) Kim wrote (and writes) like all the poets I like write. Her poems are direct, precise, and uncluttered by allusions I don't understand. There is nothing pretentious about them. Since this is for her blog, I won't go on and on, but I love her writing. These days I don't read much poetry on my own. But I read all of Kim's poems, at least once she's ready for me to see them, and I'm proud to think of myself as something like an editor or at least someone who can make reasonably intelligent comments and suggestions. I suppose all this is to say that, for me, poetry is intertwined with my life with Kim. It was one of the first things I loved about her and remains so.

What's Going On

Time for a good, old-fashioned Amelia update. I'll sprinkle in a few pictures I just downloaded from my cell phone.



She is talking up a storm. She tries to repeat a lot of what we say, so I am trying even harder to eliminate the surprisingly high number of things I say that I would not want her to say. (I am not sure where I picked up such bad language. I'll blame my past students.)

Here are some of Amelia's new words:

fish
fall
up
down
apple
pear
pizza
crackers
two (as in, I want two crackers, two apples, etc. She wants one for each hand.)
Nanny
Luli
Poppa
Guru
Jes
Hea (for Heather) (She says these family names pointing at pictures; don't worry, we are working on the rest of the family but we need to put up more pictures!)
Momma
Daddy
shoes
boots
phone
pla (plate)
bowl
cup
fork
spoo (spoon)
slide
car
wa (wagon)
ride
dough (as in play dough)
star
moon
ca (helicopter)
Suki (or at least Su, she hardly ever says Gee anymore)
gaffe (giraffe)
no (She says no a lot.)
na (This is what it sounds like when she tries to say "another one" or "the other one" when there are two of things and she wants them; for example "put on my other shoe" or "where is the other baby.")
My mom just taught her yes ("ses") and, in relation to dirty diapers and things you should not put in your mouth, "nasty," which she says extremely clearly.

It's a fun time hearing her say new things. Oh, she also says "new." She loves "new" things. For example, she loves her new wagon, and she wants to ride in it every time she sees it. She also likes climbing on these little bouncy cars they have at the park, and she is proud because she can climb up on them all by herself--mostly. She has been climbing more and more--she can get up on the coffee table, and from there the couch. Scary. She likes to play with her farm animals, and her baby dolls, and her stuffed animals. She likes playing with play dough, but still pretty much just wants to chew on crayons. She can stack a couple of blocks without them falling, although she loves knocking down tall towers built by someone else. She is getting really good at putting small lids on things and has successfully sorted a few different shapes (star, circle, etc) in the sorting toy she has. She has started giving kisses, and will sometimes go through the room kissing all the animals and bringing them to whoever else is in the room so we can also kiss them. She also likes to feed things, making a little chewing sound as she does.



On the eating front, she is still nursing a few times a day, not nearly as much as when she came home from the hospital. She is not eating as much as she was when she came home from the hospital either, but that makes sense. She is falling back in what seems to be a more normal toddler pattern, eating a lot sometimes and hardly anything other times. she still loves noddles and rice and spinach and cheese, and she will usually eat a couple of servings of cut-up fruit a day, and she likes those tubes of yogurt for kids. Overall I feel happy with the amount she is eating and what she eats, which is a good feeling.

A note on teething--I feel like Amelia has been teething constantly since about 13 months. She keeps getting new teeth. Sometimes her gums seem to bother her, sometimes not. I have gotten better at recognizing teething signs like drooling, diaper rash, and gnawing on things, and Amelia realized that she loves Orajel, so it's not too bad. I do wonder if she is teething a lot today. She has a low fever.



Amelia seems to be almost totally over the stranger and new-place anxiety she had after the hospital. For quite awhile--and this partly explains the lack of recent posts, as I was too tired or too discouraged to write--she was not sleeping well. First she was waking up multiple times a night, sometimes screaming, a scared scream, not just a tired fuss. We really think she was having nightmares. Then that slowly faded, and she was sleeping through the night--until between 4 and 5 AM, when she was up for the day. But still tired. It would be one thing to rise at 4 each morning with a sunny, bright-eyed toddler, but this was coming downstairs and facing an immediate tantrum because you wouldn't let Amelia fling ground coffee all over the kitchen. So we started trying things. We tried earlier bedtimes. We tried later bedtimes. We tried leaving her in the crib for a long time, and then going to her right away. I tried nursing her back to sleep. We tried getting her to back to sleep in our bed. We tried early naps. Late naps. One nap, two naps. There were really no clear patterns to what worked and what didn't. One morning--I think it was last Sunday--she woke up at 5, Dean went to check on her and said night, night, and she was quiet. Then she fussed. Then she was quiet. And so on. About 30 minutes later, I gave up and went to her, but she wanted to nurse, and she fell asleep and slept for almost 2 more hours. (Of course Dean and I were wide awake, but whatever.) That return to morning sleep seemed to break the pattern, and she has been sleeping later, waking between 5:45 and 6:30, all week since then. We have been putting her down a littler later too, between 7 and 7:30. I also think, on a nap note, that it has helped to keep her up till at least 11 AM or noon even if she is sleepy earlier. She is definitely taking longer naps in the middle of the day, usually between 1 and a half and two hours, although they have been as short as an hour, and as long as, once last week, three hours and 15 minutes. That is an all time Amelia-nap record.

(In the interest of full disclosure, and for the record, I will note that I have been nursing her to sleep at naps. This started post-hospital and it has been so peaceful, so easy, so much better than the 10-20 minutes of pre-nap crying that went on every nap for the 5 weeks we tried not nursing at naps, that I have kept doing it. I know that it could have something to do with the bedtime problem, but... not willing to give it up yet.)




The one thing Amelia is still doing that seems related to hospital anxiety is having these horrible bedtime-related fits. They seem to be related to separation anxiety from me. She was crying a lot a bath time, so I started going into the bathroom with her, and now she cries when she is put in the crib. She can be perfectly happy, snuggling with Dean and reading stories, and then when it is time to actually go to bed, she just cries and cries. It is very stressful, and sad too because bath and bedtime had been such a peaceful and happy daddy-daughter time. But we are just hanging in there because one thing that seems true about raising a child is that nothing lasts, not the stuff you love but, luckily, also not the stuff you hate. It is just endlessly replaced with new stuff to hate--and luckily, new stuff to love.

Welcome!

Two new babies have joined Emme in the world this week:

Dean's PDS office mate Mikey and her partner Joanne got to meet baby Claire on January 22,

and on Monday, Debra, Faith and Ryan got to meet Annie Joy!

Who knows what tomorrow will bring...

but last night, Amelia slept from 7 PM-6 AM with nary a peep (and took a two and a half hour nap yesterday afternoon). Dean and I slept well last night too, and Amelia has been a happy baby all morning. Now she and her daddy are out playing in the snow.

I noticed as I logged on to blogger that this is my 300th post. This is a nice event to record for it, at the end of a week of change for the better.

Diary of...Well, You'll See

I started this post at the beginning of this week. I had planned to do another week or so of entries before I published it, but it is getting kind of long, and changes are happening so quickly that it is already getting hard to follow. Basically, I meant this to be a record of our attempt to wean Amelia from nursing before bedtime and at night. But, as you will see, the week didn't go exactly as I planned...

January 3, 8 AM:

About two months ago, I signed up for a writing class that meets every 3rd Monday from 6:30-8:30 PM. It begins just at Amelia's bedtime. So for months, we have wondered what will happen when Amelia can't nurse before bedtime. We discussed and even planned on trying a nursing-free bedtime before the class started, but inertia and apprehension and the ease of the familiar made us never follow through.

But time went by, and tonight my class starts, but Dean will put Amelia to bed by himself. So obviously, there will be no nursing. I feel nervous, both about the class and about about leaving Amelia. But Dean is not nervous at all, so I am not too worried. I am sure it will work out some way or another.

January 3, 9 PM:

I am home from my class! I loved it, but before I could tell Dean anything about it I had to hear about bedtime. Amelia had her bath and stories as usual, then Dean moved into her bedroom and rocker her for a few minutes. When he put her in the crib, she was super mad and screamed. But only for a few minutes. He went back in to pat her and reassure her after a minute or so, then planned to wait 3 or 4 more minutes before going in again. But in the meantime--

she fell asleep.

He seemed worried about her crying, and I am sure it was that horrible loud angry screaming that is terrible to listen to. But--hey, only 5 minutes! This for a baby who is super attached to nursing, and who has been nursed immediately before going to bed and taking a nap since she has been going to bed and taking naps. Her whole life.

January 4, 11:30 AM:

Due to indecision, sleepiness and perhaps missing Amelia at bedtime I ended up getting up at 3:30 am to nurse Amelia back to sleep, and then she woke up at 5:30. I felt grouchy and discouraged this morning, especially since Amelia was tired and whiny and kept trying to nurse every 5 minutes.

But somehow, during the course of the morning, I convinced myself that now is the time to seize the moment and make a change. I I don't do something now, who knows when I will make a change.

I have decided I only want to nurse 3 times a day: first thing in the morning, pre-nap--but NOT as a going-to-sleep method--and in the late afternoon, say 5:15 or so.

So, this morning, in between distracting Amelia from nursing with cow's milk, pears, apples, cheese, a Nutra-Grain bar and who knows what else, I moved the glider into our bedroom. Amelia was concerned. She didn't seem to like it. Then, I kept A up till 10:45, even though she was super sleepy early on, from getting up so early.

Then, in the glider in our bedroom, I nursed her, for just a few minutes. Then we stopped nursing and read stories. She held her giraffe lovey as usual through the stories. After 3 books, I decided to nurse her just a tiny bit more, through one round of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." When the song was over, I moved Amelia into her crib. She was sleepy, but wide awake.

Angry screams ensued.

Butterflies in my stomach, I went back in after 2 minutes, then 5. She was standing up both times, clutching her giraffe, her little face all red and teary. I hugged her and said night night and laid her back down each time. I was waiting 10 more minutes before I went in again, but in the meantime, her angry screams faded to sad wails, then a tired whimper, and now:

silence.

I feel like this is the start of a brand new world.


January 4, 7:00 PM

Dean just put Amelia to bed while I made dinner. I made myself scarce and he did the whole bedtime routine by himself again. I was making dinner feeling a little sad, but mostly not. It's time.

Dean came downstairs. Upstairs:

silence.

He took in to the bedroom, gave her a little hug, which she returned, and put her in bed. She snuggled up with her giraffe, made a little noise, and--we assume--went straight to sleep!

January 5, 6:45 AM

Amelia slept soundly through the night until 4:30, a success that is overshadowed by the fact that she went back to sleep for only 15 minutes or so (after 5-10 minutes of crying). She was shouting and fussing again by 5:00, so after 15 minutes of that I just got up with her. I thought then Dean could get some more sleep, and to be honest I was ready to nurse.

When I went in Amelia's room, though, she was rolling around in the way she does when she is trying to go to back sleep. She sat up when she saw me, so I picked her up and we went downstairs. I sat with her to nurse, and she did--for about 20 seconds. Then she started crying and refusing my breast. "No, no," she said.

What in the world.

It quickly became clear that Amelia was not ready to get up. She is whiny and fussy and yawny. She was actually crying less in her crib than she has been since she has been up.

Her refusal of nursing has me truly dumbfounded. Yesterday morning she tried to nurse like 35 times. I was really happy with the plan of some nursing. Now my left breast is at least 2 cup sizes larger than the right and is leaking milk all over my bathrobe. And I am sad to think that I might have nursed for the last time without knowing it. Surely not. But who knows.

11:00 AM:

All morning, Amelia refused to nurse. I alternated between feeling sad and worried that nursing is over and surprised and relieved that weaning might be this easy. Before A's nap, we read books in the glider again. She nursed for a few seconds and then stopped, seeming to prefer to read. She patted my boob a lot while we read but refused to nurse every time I offered. Then we finished the books, and she said "Bye-bye?" like she does sometimes at night at bedtime. I said, "Night, night" and carried her into the bedroom. She was crying before we got to the crib. She screamed for a few minutes again, and I went in once but she had wound down enough in 3 or 4 minutes after my first reentry that I didn't go in again. After she was asleep I went in to check on her and her giraffe was on the floor. She throws it out when she is mad.

So sad.

To make matters worse I came upstairs to write this but before I did I googled self-weaning and 15 months and discovered that there is a such thing as a nursing strike. The LLL site I read (bad idea) gave me the impression that A could be not nursing because her feelings are hurt, something I actually said to Dean this morning. So now I feel guilty on top of everything else. Maybe she will nurse later. I really am not ready to wean totally. I was hoping for at least 3 more months of peaceful morning and afternoon sessions. But if it's a choice between not nursing at all and continuing the way we were going, with me being the only one who could put A to bed, or to soothe her at night, and with her nursing a million times a day with all of those teeth--then I guess I prefer this. But I am still sad.

Motherhood, will you ever stop being so confounding???

January 6, 11 AM:

I got over my worries (sort of) yesterday afternoon with encouragement from both my mom and from Dean that A is just probably ready to wean. Of course that didn't help my giant, swollen breast, but it was a start. And, I realized something amazing: I COULD GO TO AN EVENING YOGA CLASS. Gasp! I don't have to be at home to put Amelia to bed anymore!

So that is what I did. Dean got home at 5:15 or so and he and A left for swimming lessons, and I left for a yoga class! I was exhausted and hungry and very happy. It was not the most fabulous class ever as the instructor kept doing all of these cobra type poses that were not working well with my boob... situation. I just kept not doing those poses until he came over and asked if everything was okay.

"Yes," I said. He hovered, obviously wanting an explanation. I was not sure where to begin.

Finally, I just gestured to my left boob and said, "I'm weaning."

He looked blank.

"I'm weaning a baby," I said.

"Oh... okay," he said. "Let me know if I can do anything to help."

Okay, buddy! I don't think he understood what I said. Probably not something you get a lot of in the way of special conditions that affect your yoga practice. I was still super happy to be at a yoga class.

Anyway, Dean again put baby A to bed with no trouble. She cried out a few time last night, but only for a few minutes, not even long enough to make me wake up and look at the clock. She woke up around 5:20 or 5:30, and Dean got up with her at 5:45 when it was clear she was not going back to sleep. This morning, again, she said "No, no" to nursing, although she did try for just a second. I held her while she drank milk from a cup and ate Cheerios and tried not to be sad. She ate a big breakfast, a whole blueberry waffle with peanut butter and some raspberries and more milk. Then we went out to the store and she saw the Snap Pea Crisps I was buying and ate some of those.

Then we started a new activity, Mommy and Me Toddler Yoga, new to a nearby Denver studio. I am super excited about it. It was great fun. Toward the end of it Amelia got tired and clingy and...

NURSED

for about 5 minutes. It was a huge relief because my breast was swollen to the point that my whole arm hurt when I raised it over my head. And I really would like it if she would nurse just occasionally for a few more months. I am worried about what would happen if she got sick or something. Anyway, after 5 minutes, maybe less, I distracted her and we went back to yoga. On the way home she was falling asleep in her carseat just as we pulled in to the garage, so we came in and I did the stories in the glider thing. She did not cry until I actually placed her in her crib, but then she cried a LOT, a little over 20 minutes. It would be great if she would go down for naps as easily as bedtime, but naps are always harder than bedtime, at least for A. Anyway now she is peacefully snoozing and I am enjoying having a moderately pliable left breast.

January 7, 11:45 AM:

Yesterday afternoon, Amelia nursed twice more, once at the park and again when we got home, around 5:00. I temporarily abandoned the plan to limit her to the three times a day until she gets into the swing of the new routine.

Today's nap went better than yesterday. A only cried for 7-10 minutes. Bedtime continues to be a huge success. AND, Amelia is sleeping all the way through the night! I feel more rested already. Unfortunately, A seems to think the end of the night is at 4:30 or 5:00 AM, But when she gets up at those times, she is sleepy and fussy all morning. So that will be our next battle, I guess.

As I wrap up this week of big changes, I am very glad both that we have finally broken the pattern of nursing to sleep and that Amelia decided to nurse again, not only for my breasts' sake. I was sad to think that I had nursed for the last time unknowingly. I like the closeness and cuddlyness of nursing, and I like knowing that I have some milk in case Amelia gets sick and doesn't want to eat. It's still cold and flu season, after all. I would like to continue breastfeeding 2-3 times a day till 18 months, at least. Of course if this week has shown anything it's that you can't make plans with a baby. So we will see.

Brainard Lake

This is where we hiked today.



Dean had carefully planned our hike, but we got to the recreation area to find that most of the trails were closed due to SNOW. On June 15.




It turned out that there were plenty of great views and places to walk. Amelia loved her new carrier. She peeked around Dean's shoulder for most of the hike. Then she fell asleep.



The mountains are huge.

News

I shared this blog with someone new today and spent some time fondly rereading old posts. Oh, blog, how I've missed you. I kind of doubt anyone actually reads this blog anymore, since I never post on it, but I really haven't had time to breathe, much less write. I am hoping once we get settled in Denver things will be calmer.

Oh yeah--so we are moving to Denver. !!! We have know for about a month but as I typed that last sentence I realized I hadn't posted about it. Dean will be leaving the DC Public Defender to be a Federal Public Defender. I will be leaving UMD to be a Mother And Homemaker. I am very excited about this career change. Actually I will most likely look for a teaching job for next year, as in fall of 2011, but when Dean and I discussed this move I did not want to try to move AND look for a job AND wrap up this semester AND be a mother. I would feel scared to try to set up child care for A so soon after we moved anyway, and I didn't think I should try to talk our mothers into traveling to CO once a month. As much as I would love it if they wanted to... hint hint.

My feeling about the move are complex. I am very happy in many ways, including because of how happy Dean is. While he loves his current job, he is excited to try something new, and it is no secret that he loves The West, Colorado, and Mountains. We are both happy because we can actually afford to buy a house in Denver, and we have found a beautiful one, although I will save posting about it for later since things are not completely finalized yet. And I love Denver as a city. It has one zillion parks and those crazy, funny mountains as a backdrop. They make me giggle every time I see them because they just don't look real. Denver has a lot of the features we love about DC, such as fun things for kids to do. It is pretty walkable, especially where we will live (we hope), and there are so many great restaurants! So I am excited to move to such a neat new place. As an old friend of mine noted, it seems like what Dean and I do is move every couple of years, and we are ready to go.

But, it is also no secret that I had hoped to be able to raise Amelia closer to our families, particularly my mother. So moving so far away is also a Great Sadness. It is something I am trying to sit with for now. We do plan to visit often. My new job will be pretty flexible as far as travel. In fact we are going to NC less than two weeks after we move. And I am partly sad to leave DC as well, particularly the very few close friends I have here.

On the other hand, one of the duties of my new job will be visiting the previously mentioned one zillion parks, where I plan to stalk other mothers with babies until I find some to be my friends. And in fact we ARE moving closer to family: we will be only about two and a half hours from Dean's brother Jes, his partner Kim (turns out Kim is a great name for Luli's sons' partners) and their new baby-to-be Ezekial, who is Coming To Theaters Near Us in early August! So baby Dixie will get to be around her new cousin a lot, which is super exciting.

Overall, though, I feel good and hopeful about the move.

In any case, this is not what I sat down to write about.

Amelia has two teeth, the two bottom middle ones. Teething has been difficult, but nothing too terrible. She became much more interested in solids almost the exact day her first tooth came in. Since then, she has been practicing her pincer grasp, so I am going to TRY to post a video that shows off her new skill. It also features her Excited Yell and her Marge Simpson Grunt. Sorry for the shakiness; I was the Filmmaker and the Banana Puff Dispenser.

I'm enjoying the use of unconventional capitalization in this post.

And now, off to use the rest of A's nap to get dressed; it's 11:30 am and I still have on my pajamas.

Up and Away

Thankfulness, Part 3

During spring semester of my sophomore year of college, I realized that Dean was in not one but two of my classes. I got a crush on his quiet, handsome self very quickly. I daydreamed about his intense eyes and very long hair. Soon, I got him to let me borrow his notes. (It was difficult because he said no one could read his messy handwriting, but I prevailed.) Later I followed him down the stairs of Greenlaw Hall and asked him to have lunch with me. We had pizza on a very rainy Monday. We shared an umbrella as we walked back to his apartment after lunch to study for our Spanish quiz. (Yes...study...)

Later Dean went to live in Spain for a year and we sent each other a lot of emails. I fell in love with his writing. He writes like Hemingway.

Dean and I have lived in four different places together. Together we have packed 4 moving vans, unpacked hundreds of boxes, adopted a cat, driven halfway across the country, climbed a variety of mountains, made a 5-hour trip twice in one day due to forgetting something very, very important, learned to make homemade pasta, swore we would never make homemade pasta again, paid off a college loan, obtained and left several jobs, survived terrible flus and one case of hives, watched all six seasons of The Sopranos in one summer, and cooked approximately 1,835 dinners. Oh, yeah--and we made Amelia. Our greatest accomplishment so far.

Dean makes me laugh, even when when I am grouchy and overwhelmed. Dean explains to Amelia the science behind yawning and makes up entertaining variations to "This Little Piggy." He has stayed home with Amelia while I have gone out to get a massage AND a pedicure. He has modified his work schedule while trying to accomplish the same amount of work so that I can go back to my own job. Dean is usually the one who remember to wash the diapers, and he is the Master of Swaddling. He is truly a partner in this parenting gig.

I am immensely grateful that he is my partner, husband, best friend, and one true love.