Literary Mama

One of the posts of my new blog was republished on the Literary Mama website yesterday:

http://www.literarymama.com/blog/archives/2013/06/after-page-one-finding-time-4.html#comments

I am proud! Check it out to see why one of the labels for this post is "sleep."

Snapshots of a three-year-old

I just realized we've hardly taken any pictures of Amelia since she turned three! I am going to try to take some today.

We're very busy these days. Also, I have become better at living in the moment. This results in more peace overall but also a dirty house and an un-updated blog. I almost decided to shut this whole blog down, replacing it with a photo website of some kind. There are a few other writing projects I have been trying to focus on, and I felt bad about how little I write here.

But I decided not to. For one thing, as much as I admire people who record a sentence a day or a photo of their child a day,  this is the only place I have consistently recorded Amelia's life. It would be sad to end it.

Plus, in retrospect, I suppose the silence will be telling. There is a book I found in a used bookstore in DC (Amelia in her Ergo carrier) called "The Seven Stages of Motherhood." I like its personal stories and the way it presents motherhood as a knowable path. The chapter on mothering a preschooler (age 3-5) is called "Trying to Do It All."

That sums things up pretty well. Since Amelia started school, I have had more time to fill, and sometimes I try to fill it with EVERYTHING: cleaning, cooking, yoga, writing, shopping, errands. Yet Amelia is only in school a few days a week, and I also started a teaching job. (!) I haven't written about it here, but it started back in the fall. Officially, I am a "Young Writers Outreach Instructor" for Denver's Lighthouse Writers. It's an amazing job--basically I am a visiting writer going into schools to teach craft--and it fell into my lap with absolutely no work on my part (other than the fact that I joined Lighthouse Writers, the best writers' group ever). I took a session teaching 9th and 10th graders for 3 days a week in the fall, and then took another 7-week session of pretty much the same gig. I also taught a 6-week course back in the spring and worked for a week at their Summer Writing Camp. I love being a "writer in the schools"--it has been a dream of mine to teach writing as a visiting writer since I was a high school teacher. I love the job.

At the same time, the job has created some stress. For one thing, the teaching ends midday, around the time the half day program for Amelia's school ends. Amelia's teacher said I could pick her up late, but in the meantime, Amelia began--drumroll--NAPPING AT SCHOOL. So I usually pick her up around 2 or 3, after the kids wake up, have a snack, and go outside to play. It's cute to come pick her up and see "all the friends" in their coats and hats and sunglasses (required) playing. One day they were barking like puppies and I could hear them a block away. Still, it's more school than I had planned for Amelia this year.

Also, teaching always ends up taking time away from writing. During my first fall teaching session, I hardly wrote my own stuff at all. For this second session, I started out with a stricter schedule for myself, and I was doing well with it--for one week. The second week of the session, Amelia got the flu (EVEN THOUGH SHE GOT A FLU SHOT). So I stayed home to be with her. I am very thankful I have the kind of life that allows me to stop everything to be with my baby when she needs me, so this is not meant to be a complaint, but it does seem like every time I get on a roll with writing, something happens--we go on a trip, someone gets sick, etc.

On the other hand, after three years of motherhood, I've learned that "all things pass." So I will get back on the roll again soon. This week, I am just glad for a healthy child. And the fact that I don't have the flu.

Anyway, here are some "snaphots" of our three-year-old. Real snapshots to come later today!

Amelia visits Santa: She was annoyed that she had to wait in line. She was the only kid not dressed up in fancy Christmas clothes. Between kids, the elves furtively shielded Santa while he used hand sanitizer. When it was her turn, Amelia said she was "nervous" and I told her she didn't have to see Santa, but she bolstered her courage, sat in his lap, and asked for a robot. He kept prompting her "what else?," which I thought was unnecessary. Just a robot, Santa!

Amelia and the "scary room:" A couple of weeks ago, I woke up around 11 pm to Amelia calling me into her room. She said "something's scary!" and pointed vaguely to the corner of her room. I held her hand while she fell asleep again, but she woke up 3 more times that night. According to The Happiest Toddler on the Block, a book I cannot recommend enough, it's normal for kids develop fears around this age. Using the ideas in the book, I rallied the next day, and we rearranged Amelia's room. It did sort of look scary in the corner: the combination of the nightlight in the corner plus a bookshelf that has a tree branch on it made strange shadows, plus we had her humidifier over there, emitting a spooky mist. So I moved all that around and put her night light right beside her bed. Also, we gave her a flashlight and made some special spray (water and lavender oil) to spray at scary things. And, we remover her bed rail and told her she could get out of bed and turn on her light if she wanted to see her room.

This marks the major parenting victory of my life so far: all this worked! Amelia loved having her night light closer, being a "big girl" with no bed rail, and getting out of bed to turn on her light. The first night at bedtime, we heard her light turn on and off about 10 times. In the meantime, to tempt her back into her own bed after 4-5 days of sleeping with Mama while being sick, we put Christmas lights up beside her bed. The first night those were up, she played in her bed for over an hour and a half before finally dropping off to sleep.

What else? I can't think of the other stories I wanted to tell, so here are a few fun facts. Amelia can spell her name and I think she can spell "Daddy" (she and Dean play with foam bathtub letters in the bath a lot). She can count up to 30 or so sometimes--I have heard her do it, but other times she refuses or does it wrong as a joke. She knows the sounds for most of the letters (I made up a song with letter sounds one day in desperation, trying to lull her to sleep, and it took). She loves the "Jennifer stories" I tell her sometimes to distract her while brushing her hair or the like--Jennifer is a girl just Amelia's age, again made up by me in desperation one day--I was trying to use Jennifer as an example of something, like a little story with a moral--"Jennifer didn't want her Mama to brush her hair, but her hair got so tangled she had to cut it all off!" But it turns out Amelia LOVES stories where Jennifer is "naughty:" Jennifer squeezes all of toothpaste out of the tube, refuses to share with her baby brother, dumps her food on the floor, much to Amelia's delight. I am not sure what this means, but in any case, Amelia loves stories and songs. She sometimes even makes up her own stories and songs, something I should try harder to get on tape.

I am sure there is a lot I am missing, but that's a peek into life here lately. Check back later for some real "snapshots" of Amelia!

What We're Up To

All I can seem to compose for this blog lately is a collection of random moments, and this post will be no different. In no particular order, here's what's going on with us these days.

I finished my application for the PhD program and it is sent away. I am glad to be done with it, hoping very much to get in, but once I actually finished and submitted the application I became much less anxious about the outcome. I feel like I did my best with the time that I had and the rest is simply out of my power. I have enough self-confidence (Meg called it "maturity" and I appreciate that) to assume that if I don't get it, it's simply because my writing isn't a good fit for the program and that's that. At the same time I have fallen pretty deeply in love with the idea of going back to school so I know I will be disappointed if I don't get in. My backup plans for the rest of my life are fairly nebulous at this point. I would like to try becoming more involved with the Denver writing community and freelance writing. We shall see.

The not knowing is making January feel even more stagnant than it always does. We had a couple of nice days and they were wonderful. One of my friends said she felt like she was in love and I thought that was perfect. But then yesterday it snowed again. It was pretty falling but then I realized Suki was out in it. Long story short, she found somewhere to hide and spent her first night out of the house, ever. Dean found her on our kitchen windowsill this morning and we were very happy she came back.

Amelia continues to not nap. She loves her bed and the new train set she got for Christmas. She takes her trains in a basket to her bed and plays for her whole naptime. I leave her in there about and hour and a half and she is happy the whole time. It is not nearly as relaxing for me--knowing exactly how long of a break I have plus feeling like I have to keep ear out for her makes her "naptime" much less of a break. But there is not much I can do about it. If it were warmer I would like it much better because we could spend the whole afternoon at the park. As it goes now there is only so much time one mother can play the same game with a train set in one day, and I have reached that limit by noon.

The game is that she likes to pile up Matchbox cars on the train track bridge and then have me "chug" the trains up the hill to the pileup. Then I have to say, "Danger! Danger! There are cars on the track! Who is going to help move them?" And Amelia looks smug until she decides to move the cars. The the trains chug down the hill and we do it "Again, again." (If you are a certain grandmother, you will recognize this game as one you created--we can't wait till you are here to play it!)

Another game she likes, and this one I can blame on Dean, is to have some of her animals get her ice cream. They ask her what kind she likes and how many scoops, then they trot off to get it and she pretends to eat it. I think she would do this for HOURS if she had a willing audience. She likes to make up words for ice cream flavors. She also likes for the store to run out of a flavor and for the animals to act really surprised and tell her, "They're all out! Shoot!"

Amelia says "got-for" for forgot. "We got-for my coat!"

What else? I am trying to think of baby development things I need to record for posterity. on the toddler behavior front, we have had our share of run-ins with the terrible twos. Tantrums, whining and extreme bossiness are the main challenges. These are better or worse depending on the day or time of day. Two helpful books are The Happiest Toddler on the Block and Love and Logic for Early Years. The whole thing is so exhausting I can't even write about it. Another time. We visited a preschool for next year and I loved it. It is "yoga based" and the teachers were very kind and warm and the school is in an old house that feels, as you would expect, extremely homey. Amelia's night sleep is still excellent. When she doesn't nap she is a giant mess by late afternoon so her bedtime is close to 7. Her eating is still pretty good. She went thought an obsession with orange juice but the she got a stomach virus during which I could only convince her that she really couldn't have a snack by saying that her doctor said too much eating would hurt her tummy. Then it occurred to me I could say that about the juice. It has worked to break the habit. It's not that I am against orange juice but it was starting to feel like she drank so much she was not eating any real food.

In short, all is well. We are looking forward to spring.

Some Pictures

Amelia's new bed!



Her duvet cover has little vegetables on it, and she got this stuffed broccoli pillow toy to match.



The Artist



The artist made a mess. (We made our own clay from flour and salt. We may never do it again.)



The artist, who did not nap AGAIN today, is very tired.

4 Fun Facts About Amelia

4. She has moved to a big girl bed! It's a twin mattress on the floor (with a bed rain to hold her in plus a baby gate at her doorway). I was very nervous about the change, but it's gone well, even seamlessly. We decided to make the switch because she was getting very angry about being put down for naps and sort of thrusting her upper body over the crib rail. It didn't seem like a good idea to let that continue. From the first night on, she has been sleeping like a baby.

3. She seems to be dropping her nap. I don't think it's because of the bed, but she does love the new bed, so she spends I'd say 3 out of 4 nap times playing in there. It's interesting because as far as I know she stays in the bed the whole "naptime," even when she's awake. If she doesn't fall asleep I leave her in her room to play for an hour or so. When she does fall asleep, it is often for a very long nap.

2. She did not fall asleep today, so the pictures of the new bed, which I had planned as the number one "fact" spot, will have to wait. Instead I will say

1. Dropping her nap? Really??? Heaven help me.

Seven Shorts

What I've Been Doing

Studying for the GRE--because I have decided to apply to the University of Denver's PhD in Creative Writing for the fall. !!! After looking into part-time teaching for this year, I decided again to stay with Amelia full time, but by next fall, I think both of us will be ready for a change of pace. My hope is that, if I do get into the program (which in several ways is a bit of a long shot), it will be a win-win situation. If you are admitted to the program, you automatically get a Teaching Assistantship. In my dream world, the TA-ship would pay for Amelia to go to preschool part time, and I would be able to arrange her school schedule with mine, and we would both live happily ever after, still spending a lot of time with each other but both venturing out on new scholastic adventures. We shall see. Anyway, I decided earlier in the fall to apply and see what happened, and then I found out I needed to retake the general GREs, since my scores were too old, AND take the Literature Subject Test. Studying ensured. The lit test was yesterday; I am very, VERY glad it's over. Go ahead, ask me what the Pardoner's Tale is about. Ask me to name Milton's major works. Ask me what an alexandrine is. I can answer. Now that the test is over, I need to write my application statement of purpose. The application is due January 1. Cross your fingers!

The Potty Train

This is what Amelia calls potty training. She is in the process. She had been wearing no diaper (and no underwear either, just pants, to avoid constant transitions between diapers and underwear) when we were hanging around the house for several weeks, and she had been doing really well with letting us know when she needs to go, so I decided to take the plunge and give real potty training a shot. Amelia had her first major outing without diapers last Sunday. Well, the first non-accidental one--I took her to the dinosaur bones museum a few weeks ago without a diaper, and luckily caught it before any mess was made. Most of the diaperless outings have gone well. There was one peeing incident at the playground, and she has had 2 or 3 accidents here at the house in the last few days, but overall it's going pretty smoothly. I got this little travel potty, which so far I have only used as a seat on large toilets when we are away from the house, but it looks good for emergencies. I am excited about the thought of Amelia being potty trained, but the stage we are in right now is still a lot of work (dropping everything to run to the potty; sitting there a LONG time; trying to teach Amelia it is not necessary to put half a roll of toilet paper in the toilet just for fun; distinguishing the art of hand-washing from the art of playtime in the sink; etc). But Amelia was definitely showing signs of readiness, so here we are. Again, we shall see.

Mangoroo

Amelia's word for flamingo.

Exchange

Daddy: What is Amelia eating?

Amelia: Strawberries!

Daddy: Where are those strawberries from?

Amelia: From Momma!

Daddy: Where did Momma get them?

Amelia: From a box with a rubber band on it!

Daddy: (laughing) And where did the box come from?

Amelia: From the fridge!

Daddy: (laughing)

Amelia: And from the car, and the grocery store!

Sleepy Bear

Amelia, for the record, has been sleeping GREAT at night since we weaned. There have been maybe 2 or 3 nights she has woken up from what we guess are bad dreams, and one night she was up with a bad cough. Other than that, EXCELLENT SLEEP. Hallelujiah. Naps are still variable, but seem to be shortening. Today, only an hour. Yikes. She has been going down for naps at 1:30 for a month or two. She dislikes the idea of a nap very much (she goes down, but with a fight--the opposite of bedtime, which is now quite peaceful) but I feel like she still needs them; she is definitely yawning and grumpy by naptime. Still, I am not sure how much longer we have with them. Oh, and also for the record, Amelia was sleeping from 8pm-7 am. Then the time changed (I am pretty sure only people without young children like "falling back") and she has been waking up earlier, but still till 6:30 or 6:45. It's so humane! I am deeply grateful to finally be the parent of a "good sleeper." I feel like my time has come.

Amelia's Favorite Games

Amelia is getting very good at entertaining herself. She likes to push her grocery cart around; sing Happy Birthday to You while you hold a plastic cupcake, and then give you an imaginary "special bag" (a favor bag with "ittle fogs in it"); look at books by herself in our gray chair; read books with me and Dean ("Again! Again!"), play with her farm set while sitting on the heating vent; and generally boss around her dolls and animals, including having them kick or hit each other and then gravely admonishing the misbehaving animal and getting the abused animal a toy. She also likes to put her animals to sleep and wake them up. It is really neat to see her imagination develop. Lots of fun.

Twinkle, Twinkle





Amelia was a star for Halloween. Udi made her costume, which got many, many compliments, because it very was adorable. Halloween was great. Although this was, tehnically, Amelia's third Halloween, it felt like her first. She understood the basics of dressing up and trick or treating, and when the time came, she LOVED it. We trick-or-treated for about an hour, just around our block and a street or two over, and Amelia was giggling with delight almost the whole time, clutching her treats (even after the pumpkin got very heavy). After the first couple of houses we tried didn't answer their doors (despite having porch lights on) and we told her they weren't ready, she would pause in front of each and ask us "Is this house ready?" Dean and I took turns accompanying her to ring doorbells and saying trick-or-treat. I had a lot of fun too. I grew up in a place where trick or treating involved driving for miles between houses, so it was really fun to be in a neighborhood, my neighborhood. And it was a really nice night, warm, with a crescent moon in the sky. It made me deeply, deeply glad we had Amelia to go trick-or-treating with. So much fun!

This Is Your Brain on Toddlerhood

There have been a couple of times in Amelia's life that I have felt I could almost see her brain developing. The past week or two has been one of those times. From the moment she wakes up, she goes a mile a minute, talking, playing, reading, singing, moving toys and pens and buttons and who knows what all to the places they clearly need to be, and generally directing things around the house.

Her language development has been the most obvious--when she isn't cruise directing, she has been stating or describing what she is doing or what is happening around her in alarmingly complex sentences. I have been calling her "the narrator." When you go in her bedroom to get her when she wakes up, she will inform you "Mia sanding in her cib." In fact, now she might also say "I sanding in my cib"--she is getting more and more pronouns right. She says things like "Mia go with Daddy to pick tomatoes," or last night at dinner when she happened to glance up and out the window, "I'm looking out the window." Sometimes when she speaks she falls into a kind of "uh, uh, uh" noise and you can tell the wheels are turning in her mind as she looks for the right word or maybe the sentence structure, but more and more she just talks. She talks all day long. And she still prefers that you repeat back what she says. I don't miss not the quiet, exactly, but our days our... full.

Another reason our days are full, and this is perhaps related to the brain development spurt, is that Amelia's naps have suddenly and substantially shortened themselves. She was napping from around 12-2, and now she doesn't seem ready to go down for a nap till 1 or 1:30, if then. Then, she naps for about 45 minutes. She has a hard time settling down, and when she wakes up, after a period of initial fussiness, she is ready to go for the afternoon. She has been sleeping at night, though, for 11-12 hour stretches, from 7:30 or 8 to around 7 in the morning, so I am thinking since she is sleeping so long at night she just doesn't need a long nap. It's not the best news for me, break-wise, but it's not terrible. I am trying to take advantage of being able to have longer morning outings, and drastically decrease the number of things I try to do during her nap. (In fact, one of the things I have been doing during her nap is sitting down and watching "Friends," which conveniently reruns every day at 2:00.) Since I have less time during the day and more time during the mornings, I have been trying to get up a little earlier and enjoy the quiet. The early mornings have always been the best poem-writing times for me anyway, so maybe this is a good development for me, writing-wise.

Another note about toddlerhood--Amelia has had some real live tantrums lately. These are sometimes times when she is tired or maybe related to not feeling well, with the cold, for example, or last week she also tested positive for strep--one of the best tips I got about toddler behavior is that when they are acting SUPER terrible, they are probably sick. But there have been a couple of tantrums that seem mostly just about Amelia not getting what she wants, which I suppose is normal for almost two. Last week, we stopped by the "dinosaur bone museum" to play for awhile, and when we were leaving, not feeling well myself, I forgot to do my usual "in a few minutes, we have to say bye-bye to the museum" thing to prep Amelia for our departure (which usually works really well). We were walking toward the door, and Amelia seemed to realize we were leaving, and she just lost it. She was crouching and clenching her fists and screaming "dinosaur bones!" She was in fact standing directly underneath dinosaur bones, but no attempt of mine to point that out to her, or to calm her down in any way other way, worked, so I finally had to pick her up and carry her screaming to the car. She cried most of the 20-minute drive home, and what finally made her stop was a tip I read in The Happiest Toddler on the Block: "gossip." The author recommends that you "gossip" with your toddler's stuffed animals (or other family members, if they are around), both to discuss bad behavior and praise good behavior. The idea is that toddlers like to overhear stuff and sometimes you can get more across if they think you are not talking to them. So I talked to Elmo, who Amelia had carried around the museum all morning. "Hey Elmo! Listen! Amelia had a tantrum at the museum, and Amelia is so angry! Amelia wanted to stay at the dinosaur bones! But Momma doesn't understand tantrums. Momma understands big girl words! And Amelia is so good at big girl words!" And etc. Every time Amelia would start crying again I would say "Hey, Elmo! Listen!" And she would listen. By the time we got home, she was calm. I had asked Elmo if he thought Amelia would rather play with buttons or bracelets when she got home, and as we pulled into the garage, I heard a tiny, tired voice: "buttons."

We played with buttons, then had lunch. Toddlers are tiring. Lovable, but tiring.

The interesting thing is that Amelia still remembers this vividly. "Mia cied at the dinosaur bones. Elmo had to listen! Momma doesn't unersand tanums."

On a side note, with all these sicknesses and tantrums, sometimes I really miss breastfeeding. I just know it would calm her down so easily. I can pick Amelia up and snuggle her, and carry her around, and goodness knows I do, but it's not the same. Just saying, for the record: I don't regret weaning when we did, but I do miss the closeness, the calming nature of breastfeeding.

What else? We went to the zoo, and it was one of the first times Amelia was actually excited about the animals. She liked the elephants and hippos the best



and enjoyed peering over the wall at "Monkey Island."



She also fed some lorakeets



and rode the train with her friend Pigit,



and on another visit to the zoo with (L)u(l)i, she rode the merry-go-round.





We canceled a camping trip we had planned for this weekend because we all got colds, but we did go to a baseball game Sunday afternoon. The Rockies have a section called "The Rockpile" that features $4.50 bleacher seats, a good price for people who might only last a few innings. This was our view from our seats



and Amelia and Dean watching the game.



We had a good time--the day worked out well, since Amelia napped early and the sun went behind the clouds just time for the game. Amelia liked watching the people and even some of the game ("That man running!") She danced when music played and clapped when the other fans clapped, and the enjoyed her first experience with Dippin' Dots (which cost the same price as our seats). We lasted until about the 6th inning.

Our garden is thriving in the summer heat. We have piles of tomatoes, squash and zucchini, so much that I have just been planning our meals about what could include those things. We have a good amount of peppers, tomatillos, and cucumbers, too, and just picked some very pretty tri-color corn. This is our garden a couple of weeks ago; things are even taller and bushier now.





Finally, we are battling out an attempt to grow out Amelia's bangs. I really want to grow them out, since they grow fast and they are hard to trim, and our favorite hairdresser lives really far away. But Amelia is not a fan of hairclips ("Cips out!) so she looks pretty shaggy a lot of the time. Here is a picture of her with cips, just to prove she doesn't always look like a sheep dog.



We had some success with using a rubber band for a "ponytail" yesterday, and I made a big deal about how "now you can see!" So we'll see.

What's Amia doin'?

Amelia is talking. A lot. Amelia repeats almost everything we say, including, once, "Damn it, Suki!" as Suki escaped outside through a closing door. Amelia somehow got a southern accent, or at least a southern way of sayin' lots of words. She drops her g's. She called her (L)u(l)i and Guwu's cat Maude "Mawwwd." Could she have picked up this drawl from her mother? You be the judge.

Amelia also drops l's. Hence the (L)u(l)i and the "Amia." Or often she just calls herself "Mia." Mia was listed as a nickname for Amelia in the baby name book I used, and now I see why.

For yes, Amelia says "okay." For no, she says "no okay." All in one phrase. (Are you ready to take a rest? No okay. I am learning to tell, not ask, certain things.)

Amelia is asking a lot of questions, or rather, the same few questions over and over. What's Amia doin'? What's Daddy doin'? What's Momma doin'? What's Suki doin'? (I remember my mom telling me how many times I used to say "Ronna... What doin', huh?")

Amelia assigns dialogue. She likes me to talk for her dolls and stuffed animals. Usually they want to eat something or do whatever Amelia is doing. Then she will tell them, gravely, "Mia's turn." She also likes for me to ask to do what she is doing and then say no. This might worry me but I read in The Happiest Toddler on the Block (which I highly recommend, along with The Girlfriend's Guide to Toddlers) that it's actually good to let toddlers be the boss and deny you of things sometimes for play, because they have so little power in other things.

Amelia takes her time. I am tested many times a day on my resolve, so long ago, to be patient when Amelia became a toddler. Walking 50 feet can take half an hour. Going up or down the stairs can take half the morning. I try to remind myself that what feels like a sidetrack to me is a learning experience and a experiment in independence for Amelia, and save the times I ask her to hurry for when it really matters.

Amelia wants to do it "self." In other words, "Mia do it." Putting on her shoes, buckling into her carseat, putting on her pants: these are all thing Amelia really wants to do by herself and can't quite, yet. But she tries, sometimes calmly and sometimes with great frustrations. If only patience came in a bottle. For both of us. These have been moments when I have had to literally chant aloud to myself "Patience, patience!" (It helps.)

Amelia likes to collect. One of the things she is repeating is "A-nuh-nuh ____?" For example, she has these little plastic animal toys she calls hippos that have holes on one side and a point on the other end so they can snap into each other. They are all pulled apart and scattered everywhere because she likes to put them on her fingers. If we happen to see one she says, "A-nuh-nuh hippo?" (That's "another.") Basically, anything she finds or likes, she asks for another. A-nuh-nuh haircip? A-nuh-nuh bracet? A-nuh-nuh bear? And etc. Etc. All day long.

Amelia has been sleeping beautifully. 10-12 hours a night, 2 or so hours for naps. Did this coincide with weaning? Yes. Well, the night sleep did anyway. Could be a coincidence, but just for the record. The naps got easier when I started being consistent about a nap routine: home from morning outing around 11, lunch, playtime, stories, in the crib between 12 and 12:30 for 3 songs, the end. She usually cries for a few minutes before she falls asleep, but sometimes she just talks to her animals. Again for the record, her current bedtime is between 7 and 8, depending on how tired she is.

And finally, Amelia is wonderful. She is fun, funny, and fascinating. She changes so quickly and is becoming her own little self with alarming speed. Although I am sometimes tired and impatient, I am truly and deeply thankful that I get to spend so much time with her.

Twenty Months and a Day

Monday update:

Amelia slept from 7:30 last night till 6:30 this morning without a peep. I told my mom about it, and she replied, "That's toddler sleep." I'll take it! I am hoping this is a new trend.

It's hot in Denver and very humid. It is a southern heat. I could barely run at the park this morning, and we couldn't stay long at the playground either. I have had success getting Amelia to leave places pretty easily by first telling her that we are going to say "bye-bye to [whatever it is] in a few minutes," and then pretty quickly picking her up and getting her to say bye-bye. Consequently she can now say "few minutes" and says it a lot when she wants to do something. One of the most trying of these is sitting in the car. She loves to sit out of her carseat in the car, and she obviously can't do that while we are driving, so we spend a lot of time these days sitting in the parked car in the garage. She likes to press the buttons on the radio and pretend to turn the steering wheel (from my lap). I am sure to pull up the emergency break and I stay right with her, keys in my pocket, so this is not unsafe, right? It feels sort of like one of those "don't"s in a list of toddler rules, but it's not like I'm leaving her in there alone. Another funny thing she says is "back yard" and by this she means the very back of the car, behind the back seat. (We have a Rav-4. We traded in Dean's Camry back in the fall when he realized he needed 4-wheel drive to get to many of the trailheads he wanted to get to. Plus we ended up needing it to drive on snow. Denver doesn't really plow its roads.)

We got out garden planted this weekend and are just waiting for it to grow. Expect a garden post as soon as I get some current pictures taken.

And, finally, I got an email this morning saying that the journal that accepted one of my poems will be out soon! You can see my name on the table of contents here.

19 Facts for 19 Months

1. 19 months has been a lot of fun! I somehow never imagined Amelia being older than 18 months. 18 months was a big milestone in my mind, a sort of "I've made it this far so I think I'm gonna make it!" I remember holding 3- or 4-month old Baby A, enviously staring at parents with 18-month-olds. So when Amelia turned 19 months old, it was kind of a shock: it keeps going after this? Maybe because I truly had no expectations, I have been pleasantly surprised.

Part of that is because 2. Amelia is talking more and more. With talking comes communicating, so it's easier to figure out what she wants and doesn't want. Also, it's hilarious. She repeats tons of what we say, including, this morning, "suck it." In context, it was fine--she found one of those mesh baby teether things and I was telling her what to do with it: "You suck it." She spent the next hour saying, "Suck it! Suck it!" Then she stopped. I am hoping she has forgotten it.

3. Other, less disturbing things she says:
"Momma Epyoo" (Momma help you.) She says this when she wants me to help her.
"Naken" (Naked). She loves to be naked. She needs Momma Epyoo to undress, though.
"Peekaboo!" It's adorable. She actually memorized a little peekaboo book, Peek-a-who, from the library. She has also done a few short sentences: "Momma comin'?" "Daddy doin'?" She makes it clear to us that we drop our "g's."

4. Amelia loves her extended family, and talks about them all the time. If we talk about what we are doing, she lists all of her family members and we have to say what they are all doing at that moment.

5. Amelia loves to sing. We also have to include all family members' names in one of her favorites songs, Raffi's Willougby Wallaby Woo. Other favorites songs include Raffi's song about going to the zoo, the ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Old MacDonald.

6. We really are weaned. It really is done. Overall, it has been easier than I thought. Amelia asks for "mik" fewer times each day, and yesterday she seemed to do it almost as a joke. She drinks a lot more other liquids, which makes sense. She likes juice of all kinds, regular milk, and "chocate mik" (which is really chocolate soymilk, mostly for the sake of variety).


7. Amelia still snuggles! She likes to hug, to sit in my lap, or to play a games where she pushes me over and falls on me. And the last couple of naps, she has let me rock her to sleep! This is a huge improvement over crying for 10 minutes each and every naptime. I do think sometimes kids just have to cry themselves to sleep--or Amelia does anyway--but I just cannot take it at naptime.


8. These days Amelia is napping around 12-2, give or take 15-20 minutes on either side. It's predictable, for now, which probably adds to my general enjoyment of the days.

9. And we have a pretty set little routine, something I also enjoy. Amelia wakes up between 5 and 6 (sometimes before 5, yikes, but less and less). She likes to play upstairs for a while, then come down and have something to eat and drink. If it's cool and the heat is on, she likes to sit on the big heating vent in our living room and eat her snack. There are fairly large holes in the vent. Sometimes, from the kitchen, I can hear her muttering "too big, too big" or calling "Uh oh!" I have removed a wide variety of items from the vent, but luckily there is a flat place under the vent to catch anything that happens to fall. This is not the best toddler habit but I have decided that for now it is not a battle I want to fight. And it buys me time to clean up the kitchen.

After Dean leaves for work, Amelia and I play downstairs for awhile and read some books. Then we go upstairs and I take a shower while she plays in the bathroom. I take some toys in there to entertain her or she looks at the toiletries in the various baskets I have. (All babyproofed.) This week, she discovered a drawer that contained tampons and has been having a great time dissecting them. Again: it buys some time.

Then we get dressed, a long process, since sometime in the morning Amelia usually become naken. I try to brush her teeth, and once we are ready, we leave the house. On Mondays we go to the grocery store, and other days we go to the Children's Museum or some other fun place, or run other errands, or if it's nice, go to the park. I try to have her home by 11, and we have lunch. Then she messes around till noon while I half play with her, half straighten up. We read some more books, then nap.

After her nap she likes to play with animals in her crib for awhile, and then we usually try to get out of the house again. Amelia is much more grouchy about being in her car seat in the afternoons, so I don't like to go anywhere too far. My favorite thing is to just spend the afternoon in the park, but we haven't been able to do that much lately. Apparently of the 65 non-sunny days a year Denver supposedly has, 31 are in May. So afternoons this week have been challenging.

Anyway, Dean gets home around 5:15, and we all play/work in the yard, or I go to yoga (!; see below). Amelia tends to be hungry for dinner early, between 4:45 and 5:30. We feed her, then she plays till bathtime and goes to bed between 7 and 7:30.

The days are mostly very good.

10. One of my Mother's Day presents was an unlimited summer yoga pass. I picked it out myself. It lasts through July and I have been going to yoga as much as I can. I go in the evenings to a 6-7:15 class. It gives Dean and Amelia time to play and do the bath-bed routine. We have found that when I am in the house, she is much fussier about having me be right with her. If I go to "cass," she might be a little upset when I leave but quickly gets over it and everyone has a pleasant evening, especially Momma. I love going to yoga. May has been a bit more sporadic than I planned, but I have made it to at least 2 classes a week. I am hoping to go more even more often in June.

11. Teething: Amelia is getting her canine teeth. This has truly seemed to last forever, and they seem to bother her a lot more than most of her other teeth. She has drooled, run a low fever, and gnawed on her fingers a lot over the past two months at least. It has gotten so that when she gets too fussy, I just get out the Orajel. I will be glad when the teeth are finally in.

12. In other toddler behavior news, I should touch on eating and sleeping if only for the record. Amelia's eating remains very toddler-esque: she will eat like a horse for a few days, making her mother very happy, and then seem to eat almost nothing for a day or two or more. Highlights of the eating times have been berries of all types, a return to chickpeas, and tiny broccoli florets--raw. Discovering that she liked broccoli was an accident. I gave her a crown of broccoli to hold in the grocery store and she started chewing on it. She is definitely a grazer. Her favorite snacks are salty, crunchy ones like pretzels, crackers and Veggie Straws.

13. My most hated baby-related chore--and I have thought this through--is changing crib sheets. It's terrible! The sheets are super tight and they get caught up in the bumper pad and it takes forever and I think I pull a muscle every time I do it, which is often because Amelia spends so much time lolling in the sand in the park.

14. We are not exactly potty training, but we now own 2 training potties, one that sits on the floor and one that sits on the big potty. Amelia likes to take apart or fill with toys the one on the floor but other than that has no interest in using them. But since she is naken so much she is becoming more aware of when she needs to use the bathroom. She says "pee-pee" for both pee and poop, then proceeds to go on the floor. It seems to upset her so I try to be very upbeat and encouraging about it:


Me: Pee on the floor! That's great! Let's get a towel!
Amelia: (standing naked in a pool pf pee, looking upset) Momma epyoo! Towel!

15. Our garden is planted and growing. I owe you an entire garden-related post, but we (and by we I mean Dean) have planted tomatoes, peppers, strawberries, blueberries, asparagus, peas, radishes, and flowers, and squash and beans will be planted soon. Our fingers are crossed.


16. I love my Denver friends. The playgroup has really gelled, and I spend a lot of time with my neighbor and her daughter. It makes living here so much easier.

17. I still clean too much. I am trying to cut back, I swear.


18. How many ambulance rides have you taken in your life? Because Amelia has now had two. Last week, she fell out of her wagon and hit her head. She cried inconsolably for over 10 minutes, then got sleepy, so Dean called 911. Luckily, by the time the paramedics got here, she was much better. They took her to the ER just in case. The doctors all thought she was fine but watched her for 2 hours (in hospital time, if was just over 3). We were super relieved. It was terrifying while it lasted--one of those times that reveals to you the fact that your child is your entire world--but I think it says something that I just thought of it here at the end of the post. Um, welcome to parenthood? Just as I felt when she got through the appendix episode, I am deeply thankful that she is all right, still her sunny, funny, lovely self. I would think that Amelia could be finished with ambulance rides now, though. Seriously.


19. This is my 350th post. I am glad blogging is still part of my life. I had a community of blog "friends" long before I had very many real mom friends. I love the blogs I read (and I should say I stole this idea of a listed post from Liz's birthday post on BC), and I love writing posts too. This is the only baby journal I keep, and it is so nice to share Amelia with so many others.

It's Done

You may have been wondering how my plan for weaning has been going.

Like many things that have to do with babies, for awhile it was one step forward, two steps back. I actually got Amelia down to nursing four times (not "sessions," as I had named her constant nursing in my last post on this subject) a day: first thing in the morning, before nap, after nap, and around 5. If she asked or tried to nurse at a different time, I could distract her pretty easily with a snack (dill pickles have been a favorite, if strange, substitute) or drink (chocolate milk, a juice box). Or I could just tell her no. In the afternoon, I would say "Not till 5:00!" It got to where almost any time I held her off, she would agreeably say, "Five!"

But once I got there, I decided to stay for awhile. It was easy, comfortable, and convenient. I knew we had a trip to NC coming up in which I would be alone with Amelia on planes and putting her to bed without Dean. The nursing, now that I knew its days really were numbered, was something special rather that something that drove me crazy.

Until.

For whatever reason, Amelia started waking up at least once every night and early, early in the mornings. I was nursing her at night if she woke and early in the mornings to try to get her to go back to sleep. It's like she was sneaking in another nursing session. I was going with it. It didn't bother me. Amelia woke up Friday morning at 3 AM, and I went in to nurse her. I sat in the glider thinking, I really should stop this. But I didn't feel ready. I figured I would know when it was time.

Three hours later, Amelia woke up again. I was very tired because it had taken me a long time to go back to sleep. Dean tried to get up with her but she kept crying "Momma, Momma!" "Milk, milk"! (Actually it sounds more like "Mik! Mik!") He brought her to me and she was doing this very strange thing with her teeth that was sort of painful. (I think she's teething.) And she kept latching off and latching back on. Then she put her Giraffe lovey up to my boob and said, "Num num num." And I thought, "It's time."

I didn't nurse her at all the rest of Friday. For nap time (oh yeah, since NC I was nursing her to sleep at nap time again because oh, it was so wonderfully EASY) I put her in the crib and sang and rubbed her belly till she fell asleep. When she asked for "mik" I told her that we were going to be saying bye-bye to milk. She would look skeptical and say, "Five?"

Yesterday morning, Saturday, I nursed Amelia for the last time.

I felt like I was saying bye-bye not only to mik but also to my baby. Toddlers are not known for sitting still and snuggling, which is another reason I was holding on to breastfeeding. Amelia curled around me,totally relaxed, her head nestled in the crook of my arm. She was calm and peaceful, nursing rather slowly. She let me rub her little tummy and touch all of her fingers. I think she might have known it was the last time too. She lingered.

And then, all of a sudden, it was over. Dean was getting out of the shower, and Amelia heard the water go off. She jumped up and said "Towel!" (She likes to hand us our towels.) She got down from the bed by herself ("Self! Self!") and she was gone.

I have to admit, I cried, but just a little. It really is time.

I have a gmail account that I got when I started this blog, but I really don't use it. It's somehow connected to my phone, though, and I had to get my phone reset because it wasn't working. They told me I might need to get my saved phone numbers and pictures through my gmail account. When I signed in, I saw that I had 1,443 unread messages. They are all from astrology.com. Apparently, about 1443 days ago I signed up for a daily horoscope and used the gmail address. When I saw all the messages, I thought that surely 1443 unread horoscopes would make a good subject for a poem. This morning, I remembered them and opened the message for today:

Forget caution, discretion, and waiting for the best time to act. You're all done, and it's time to let that fact be known.

Bye-bye, mik. I am deeply thankful you could serve us so well.

What's Going On

Time for a good, old-fashioned Amelia update. I'll sprinkle in a few pictures I just downloaded from my cell phone.



She is talking up a storm. She tries to repeat a lot of what we say, so I am trying even harder to eliminate the surprisingly high number of things I say that I would not want her to say. (I am not sure where I picked up such bad language. I'll blame my past students.)

Here are some of Amelia's new words:

fish
fall
up
down
apple
pear
pizza
crackers
two (as in, I want two crackers, two apples, etc. She wants one for each hand.)
Nanny
Luli
Poppa
Guru
Jes
Hea (for Heather) (She says these family names pointing at pictures; don't worry, we are working on the rest of the family but we need to put up more pictures!)
Momma
Daddy
shoes
boots
phone
pla (plate)
bowl
cup
fork
spoo (spoon)
slide
car
wa (wagon)
ride
dough (as in play dough)
star
moon
ca (helicopter)
Suki (or at least Su, she hardly ever says Gee anymore)
gaffe (giraffe)
no (She says no a lot.)
na (This is what it sounds like when she tries to say "another one" or "the other one" when there are two of things and she wants them; for example "put on my other shoe" or "where is the other baby.")
My mom just taught her yes ("ses") and, in relation to dirty diapers and things you should not put in your mouth, "nasty," which she says extremely clearly.

It's a fun time hearing her say new things. Oh, she also says "new." She loves "new" things. For example, she loves her new wagon, and she wants to ride in it every time she sees it. She also likes climbing on these little bouncy cars they have at the park, and she is proud because she can climb up on them all by herself--mostly. She has been climbing more and more--she can get up on the coffee table, and from there the couch. Scary. She likes to play with her farm animals, and her baby dolls, and her stuffed animals. She likes playing with play dough, but still pretty much just wants to chew on crayons. She can stack a couple of blocks without them falling, although she loves knocking down tall towers built by someone else. She is getting really good at putting small lids on things and has successfully sorted a few different shapes (star, circle, etc) in the sorting toy she has. She has started giving kisses, and will sometimes go through the room kissing all the animals and bringing them to whoever else is in the room so we can also kiss them. She also likes to feed things, making a little chewing sound as she does.



On the eating front, she is still nursing a few times a day, not nearly as much as when she came home from the hospital. She is not eating as much as she was when she came home from the hospital either, but that makes sense. She is falling back in what seems to be a more normal toddler pattern, eating a lot sometimes and hardly anything other times. she still loves noddles and rice and spinach and cheese, and she will usually eat a couple of servings of cut-up fruit a day, and she likes those tubes of yogurt for kids. Overall I feel happy with the amount she is eating and what she eats, which is a good feeling.

A note on teething--I feel like Amelia has been teething constantly since about 13 months. She keeps getting new teeth. Sometimes her gums seem to bother her, sometimes not. I have gotten better at recognizing teething signs like drooling, diaper rash, and gnawing on things, and Amelia realized that she loves Orajel, so it's not too bad. I do wonder if she is teething a lot today. She has a low fever.



Amelia seems to be almost totally over the stranger and new-place anxiety she had after the hospital. For quite awhile--and this partly explains the lack of recent posts, as I was too tired or too discouraged to write--she was not sleeping well. First she was waking up multiple times a night, sometimes screaming, a scared scream, not just a tired fuss. We really think she was having nightmares. Then that slowly faded, and she was sleeping through the night--until between 4 and 5 AM, when she was up for the day. But still tired. It would be one thing to rise at 4 each morning with a sunny, bright-eyed toddler, but this was coming downstairs and facing an immediate tantrum because you wouldn't let Amelia fling ground coffee all over the kitchen. So we started trying things. We tried earlier bedtimes. We tried later bedtimes. We tried leaving her in the crib for a long time, and then going to her right away. I tried nursing her back to sleep. We tried getting her to back to sleep in our bed. We tried early naps. Late naps. One nap, two naps. There were really no clear patterns to what worked and what didn't. One morning--I think it was last Sunday--she woke up at 5, Dean went to check on her and said night, night, and she was quiet. Then she fussed. Then she was quiet. And so on. About 30 minutes later, I gave up and went to her, but she wanted to nurse, and she fell asleep and slept for almost 2 more hours. (Of course Dean and I were wide awake, but whatever.) That return to morning sleep seemed to break the pattern, and she has been sleeping later, waking between 5:45 and 6:30, all week since then. We have been putting her down a littler later too, between 7 and 7:30. I also think, on a nap note, that it has helped to keep her up till at least 11 AM or noon even if she is sleepy earlier. She is definitely taking longer naps in the middle of the day, usually between 1 and a half and two hours, although they have been as short as an hour, and as long as, once last week, three hours and 15 minutes. That is an all time Amelia-nap record.

(In the interest of full disclosure, and for the record, I will note that I have been nursing her to sleep at naps. This started post-hospital and it has been so peaceful, so easy, so much better than the 10-20 minutes of pre-nap crying that went on every nap for the 5 weeks we tried not nursing at naps, that I have kept doing it. I know that it could have something to do with the bedtime problem, but... not willing to give it up yet.)




The one thing Amelia is still doing that seems related to hospital anxiety is having these horrible bedtime-related fits. They seem to be related to separation anxiety from me. She was crying a lot a bath time, so I started going into the bathroom with her, and now she cries when she is put in the crib. She can be perfectly happy, snuggling with Dean and reading stories, and then when it is time to actually go to bed, she just cries and cries. It is very stressful, and sad too because bath and bedtime had been such a peaceful and happy daddy-daughter time. But we are just hanging in there because one thing that seems true about raising a child is that nothing lasts, not the stuff you love but, luckily, also not the stuff you hate. It is just endlessly replaced with new stuff to hate--and luckily, new stuff to love.

13 on 31

I never seem to find the time to write the developed posts I compose in my head at 4am, so here are 13 things about life, lately:

1. Amelia is sick. Poor baby. She and I both had colds for the past two weeks or so, but when mine went away, hers seem to get worse, and a fever appeared. A trip to the doctor showed no ear infection, and when I called again today, the nurse said a virus that sounds like what Amelia has is going around. So I am giving her ibuprofen, and she is drinking a lot of juice.

2. She says, "Juice!" Also fish, mask (because of an African mask Jes got us that hangs on the wall above our reading/nursing chair) and, just this weekend, Daddy! ("Da!")

3. Naps have been challenging, lasting 45 minutes, tops, for most of last week. Maybe because she has been sick? With 10-15 minutes of crying when I put her down. But today, for the first time since I cut her off from nursing to sleep: no pre-nap crying! She just talked to herself for a few minutes, then all was quiet on the napptime front.

4. Night sleep has remained mostly great, even through the sickness. A couple of early morning wakings. I have nursed her at night twice. My hope is that this is fine, as long as it doesn't turn back into a habit. It seems okay so far. There is a middle way!

5. List of lunchtime food items on the table and floor right now: wheat bread. Strawberry jello. Cheerios. Milk. A french fry. A slice of turkey ("gobble gobble gobble"). Vanilla ice cream. Something gooey I can't name--oh, mayonaise.

6. Number of the above items Amelia actually ate for lunch: 0.

7. What has Amelia eaten today? About 1/3 of a bag of rainbow goldfish crackers. (Don't worry, they are colored using natural ingredients, like beets.)

8. What have I been doing during these 45 minute naps last week? Writing! Somehow when I know there is only going to be 45 minutes, I can make myself get more work done than if I think there might be 2 hours. I have been working on my manuscript and work for the class I am taking. My class met again last week (it meets about every 3rd Monday). We discussed my manuscript and one other (6 students, 2 manuscripts per session, for two rounds). I got lots of positive feedback and several helpful suggestions. And a few crazy suggestions, but that is par for the workshop course.

10. And, I just got an email from the instructor asking me if I want to be in a reading soon! A nice boost for my confidence. Especailly considering that

11. I spent some time this weekend looking into jobs for the fall, mostly getting very discouraged. I read too many faculty bios of people who had PhDs and lots of publications. Whatever, guys. I can recite both Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? and Dr. Suess's ABCs.

12. I am looking forward to spring. Although we had some days in the high 50s and low 60s last night, tomorrow's high is supposed to be -3. Can people even exist in that kind of weather? How did the pioneers survive out here? I am making it my personal business not to leave the house tomorrow.

13. After 16 months, I am beginning to feel like my old self again, whoever that is. I think sleeping through the night helps. So does getting to leave the house at night and not being the only person in the universe who can get Amelia to go to sleep. Plus having a toddler is really a lot of fun! Hard sometimes, what with the tantrums and the poor communication skills, but fun. I like playing with Play Dough and stickers and puzzles. And Amelia is only just beginning to be able to do those things, so more fun is in store. I've also been doing more stuff I want to do, generally. I made a sort of New Year's resolution to try to integrate more reading and writing and yoga into my daily life, even if I don't have large swaths of free time. I came up with a concept of "5 and 20." Basically, I try to take a span of 5 minutes to do something I want to do sometime during the day, and then another span of 20 minutes to do something else I want to do. So I might read the news for 5 minutes in the morning, or read a poem for 5 minutes while Amelia plays on her own. Or I might try to do 20 minutes of yoga while Amelia plays around me. Or write for 20 minutes during Amelia's bath and bedtime. After roughly 31 days, I feel happier and more... well-rounded is the best word I can think of. Reading more of the news, for example, has allowed me to actually think of something besides Amelia and exhaustion to talk about to my mom friends (not the conversation often turns from babies and/or sleep, but just in case!), and to Dean and my other friends as well. And doing a little bit of yoga each day makes me feel better physically, and I think helps during the yoga classes I go to too. It turns out that there is more to life than motherhood, and I have been finding ways to access that life. And that is a good thing.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring...

but last night, Amelia slept from 7 PM-6 AM with nary a peep (and took a two and a half hour nap yesterday afternoon). Dean and I slept well last night too, and Amelia has been a happy baby all morning. Now she and her daddy are out playing in the snow.

I noticed as I logged on to blogger that this is my 300th post. This is a nice event to record for it, at the end of a week of change for the better.

Diary of...Well, You'll See

I started this post at the beginning of this week. I had planned to do another week or so of entries before I published it, but it is getting kind of long, and changes are happening so quickly that it is already getting hard to follow. Basically, I meant this to be a record of our attempt to wean Amelia from nursing before bedtime and at night. But, as you will see, the week didn't go exactly as I planned...

January 3, 8 AM:

About two months ago, I signed up for a writing class that meets every 3rd Monday from 6:30-8:30 PM. It begins just at Amelia's bedtime. So for months, we have wondered what will happen when Amelia can't nurse before bedtime. We discussed and even planned on trying a nursing-free bedtime before the class started, but inertia and apprehension and the ease of the familiar made us never follow through.

But time went by, and tonight my class starts, but Dean will put Amelia to bed by himself. So obviously, there will be no nursing. I feel nervous, both about the class and about about leaving Amelia. But Dean is not nervous at all, so I am not too worried. I am sure it will work out some way or another.

January 3, 9 PM:

I am home from my class! I loved it, but before I could tell Dean anything about it I had to hear about bedtime. Amelia had her bath and stories as usual, then Dean moved into her bedroom and rocker her for a few minutes. When he put her in the crib, she was super mad and screamed. But only for a few minutes. He went back in to pat her and reassure her after a minute or so, then planned to wait 3 or 4 more minutes before going in again. But in the meantime--

she fell asleep.

He seemed worried about her crying, and I am sure it was that horrible loud angry screaming that is terrible to listen to. But--hey, only 5 minutes! This for a baby who is super attached to nursing, and who has been nursed immediately before going to bed and taking a nap since she has been going to bed and taking naps. Her whole life.

January 4, 11:30 AM:

Due to indecision, sleepiness and perhaps missing Amelia at bedtime I ended up getting up at 3:30 am to nurse Amelia back to sleep, and then she woke up at 5:30. I felt grouchy and discouraged this morning, especially since Amelia was tired and whiny and kept trying to nurse every 5 minutes.

But somehow, during the course of the morning, I convinced myself that now is the time to seize the moment and make a change. I I don't do something now, who knows when I will make a change.

I have decided I only want to nurse 3 times a day: first thing in the morning, pre-nap--but NOT as a going-to-sleep method--and in the late afternoon, say 5:15 or so.

So, this morning, in between distracting Amelia from nursing with cow's milk, pears, apples, cheese, a Nutra-Grain bar and who knows what else, I moved the glider into our bedroom. Amelia was concerned. She didn't seem to like it. Then, I kept A up till 10:45, even though she was super sleepy early on, from getting up so early.

Then, in the glider in our bedroom, I nursed her, for just a few minutes. Then we stopped nursing and read stories. She held her giraffe lovey as usual through the stories. After 3 books, I decided to nurse her just a tiny bit more, through one round of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." When the song was over, I moved Amelia into her crib. She was sleepy, but wide awake.

Angry screams ensued.

Butterflies in my stomach, I went back in after 2 minutes, then 5. She was standing up both times, clutching her giraffe, her little face all red and teary. I hugged her and said night night and laid her back down each time. I was waiting 10 more minutes before I went in again, but in the meantime, her angry screams faded to sad wails, then a tired whimper, and now:

silence.

I feel like this is the start of a brand new world.


January 4, 7:00 PM

Dean just put Amelia to bed while I made dinner. I made myself scarce and he did the whole bedtime routine by himself again. I was making dinner feeling a little sad, but mostly not. It's time.

Dean came downstairs. Upstairs:

silence.

He took in to the bedroom, gave her a little hug, which she returned, and put her in bed. She snuggled up with her giraffe, made a little noise, and--we assume--went straight to sleep!

January 5, 6:45 AM

Amelia slept soundly through the night until 4:30, a success that is overshadowed by the fact that she went back to sleep for only 15 minutes or so (after 5-10 minutes of crying). She was shouting and fussing again by 5:00, so after 15 minutes of that I just got up with her. I thought then Dean could get some more sleep, and to be honest I was ready to nurse.

When I went in Amelia's room, though, she was rolling around in the way she does when she is trying to go to back sleep. She sat up when she saw me, so I picked her up and we went downstairs. I sat with her to nurse, and she did--for about 20 seconds. Then she started crying and refusing my breast. "No, no," she said.

What in the world.

It quickly became clear that Amelia was not ready to get up. She is whiny and fussy and yawny. She was actually crying less in her crib than she has been since she has been up.

Her refusal of nursing has me truly dumbfounded. Yesterday morning she tried to nurse like 35 times. I was really happy with the plan of some nursing. Now my left breast is at least 2 cup sizes larger than the right and is leaking milk all over my bathrobe. And I am sad to think that I might have nursed for the last time without knowing it. Surely not. But who knows.

11:00 AM:

All morning, Amelia refused to nurse. I alternated between feeling sad and worried that nursing is over and surprised and relieved that weaning might be this easy. Before A's nap, we read books in the glider again. She nursed for a few seconds and then stopped, seeming to prefer to read. She patted my boob a lot while we read but refused to nurse every time I offered. Then we finished the books, and she said "Bye-bye?" like she does sometimes at night at bedtime. I said, "Night, night" and carried her into the bedroom. She was crying before we got to the crib. She screamed for a few minutes again, and I went in once but she had wound down enough in 3 or 4 minutes after my first reentry that I didn't go in again. After she was asleep I went in to check on her and her giraffe was on the floor. She throws it out when she is mad.

So sad.

To make matters worse I came upstairs to write this but before I did I googled self-weaning and 15 months and discovered that there is a such thing as a nursing strike. The LLL site I read (bad idea) gave me the impression that A could be not nursing because her feelings are hurt, something I actually said to Dean this morning. So now I feel guilty on top of everything else. Maybe she will nurse later. I really am not ready to wean totally. I was hoping for at least 3 more months of peaceful morning and afternoon sessions. But if it's a choice between not nursing at all and continuing the way we were going, with me being the only one who could put A to bed, or to soothe her at night, and with her nursing a million times a day with all of those teeth--then I guess I prefer this. But I am still sad.

Motherhood, will you ever stop being so confounding???

January 6, 11 AM:

I got over my worries (sort of) yesterday afternoon with encouragement from both my mom and from Dean that A is just probably ready to wean. Of course that didn't help my giant, swollen breast, but it was a start. And, I realized something amazing: I COULD GO TO AN EVENING YOGA CLASS. Gasp! I don't have to be at home to put Amelia to bed anymore!

So that is what I did. Dean got home at 5:15 or so and he and A left for swimming lessons, and I left for a yoga class! I was exhausted and hungry and very happy. It was not the most fabulous class ever as the instructor kept doing all of these cobra type poses that were not working well with my boob... situation. I just kept not doing those poses until he came over and asked if everything was okay.

"Yes," I said. He hovered, obviously wanting an explanation. I was not sure where to begin.

Finally, I just gestured to my left boob and said, "I'm weaning."

He looked blank.

"I'm weaning a baby," I said.

"Oh... okay," he said. "Let me know if I can do anything to help."

Okay, buddy! I don't think he understood what I said. Probably not something you get a lot of in the way of special conditions that affect your yoga practice. I was still super happy to be at a yoga class.

Anyway, Dean again put baby A to bed with no trouble. She cried out a few time last night, but only for a few minutes, not even long enough to make me wake up and look at the clock. She woke up around 5:20 or 5:30, and Dean got up with her at 5:45 when it was clear she was not going back to sleep. This morning, again, she said "No, no" to nursing, although she did try for just a second. I held her while she drank milk from a cup and ate Cheerios and tried not to be sad. She ate a big breakfast, a whole blueberry waffle with peanut butter and some raspberries and more milk. Then we went out to the store and she saw the Snap Pea Crisps I was buying and ate some of those.

Then we started a new activity, Mommy and Me Toddler Yoga, new to a nearby Denver studio. I am super excited about it. It was great fun. Toward the end of it Amelia got tired and clingy and...

NURSED

for about 5 minutes. It was a huge relief because my breast was swollen to the point that my whole arm hurt when I raised it over my head. And I really would like it if she would nurse just occasionally for a few more months. I am worried about what would happen if she got sick or something. Anyway, after 5 minutes, maybe less, I distracted her and we went back to yoga. On the way home she was falling asleep in her carseat just as we pulled in to the garage, so we came in and I did the stories in the glider thing. She did not cry until I actually placed her in her crib, but then she cried a LOT, a little over 20 minutes. It would be great if she would go down for naps as easily as bedtime, but naps are always harder than bedtime, at least for A. Anyway now she is peacefully snoozing and I am enjoying having a moderately pliable left breast.

January 7, 11:45 AM:

Yesterday afternoon, Amelia nursed twice more, once at the park and again when we got home, around 5:00. I temporarily abandoned the plan to limit her to the three times a day until she gets into the swing of the new routine.

Today's nap went better than yesterday. A only cried for 7-10 minutes. Bedtime continues to be a huge success. AND, Amelia is sleeping all the way through the night! I feel more rested already. Unfortunately, A seems to think the end of the night is at 4:30 or 5:00 AM, But when she gets up at those times, she is sleepy and fussy all morning. So that will be our next battle, I guess.

As I wrap up this week of big changes, I am very glad both that we have finally broken the pattern of nursing to sleep and that Amelia decided to nurse again, not only for my breasts' sake. I was sad to think that I had nursed for the last time unknowingly. I like the closeness and cuddlyness of nursing, and I like knowing that I have some milk in case Amelia gets sick and doesn't want to eat. It's still cold and flu season, after all. I would like to continue breastfeeding 2-3 times a day till 18 months, at least. Of course if this week has shown anything it's that you can't make plans with a baby. So we will see.

20 Thoughts in 20 Minutes

I am not much in the mood to post lately but if I don't write something soon we will be on our Christmas vacation, so here are 20 random things I have been thinking about. I am giving myself 20 minutes to write it, because Amelia is napping and there is other stuff I want to do.

1. With the simple adjustment of Amelia's bedtime, all of our sleep problems have been solved! Oops, not really. After that one post about the early bedtime, Amelia started waking up, babbling and sounding fairly happy, at 4:45 am or earlier. So we moved the bedtime later. After 4 days, it was still happening, so we moved it back up to the earlier time. Now she's waking between 5:30 and 6.

2. I am so sick of thinking about sleep I could scream. Yet I still really, really want to sleep better.

3. I am confused about weaning. Sometimes Amelia seems to be self-weaning, other times she is a nursing fool.

4. I am disgruntled at the mixed messages I perceive about breastfeeding. When women are pregnant and have very new babies, the message seems to be "breastfeed or else!," a message that is more harmful than helpful. Then once the baby reaches a certain age--maybe 9 months or so--it's "hurry up and wean." Is this just in my own head?

5. Amelia has a new friend who is a hitter. What do you do when your baby hits other babies? And what are you supposed to do when your baby has a temper tantrum?

6. I miss my family. You know who you are. Come visit us.

7. Actually I have been very, very sad that we love so far away from our families. If we lived close to family Dean and I could leave Amelia with people who love her and desperately want to see her while we--gasp--saw a movie or something. What were we thinking?

8. That said there are a lot of things I love about my life here. I have a lot of friends. I love our house. Denver is amazingly interesting and easy to navigate. And

9. despite what you may think after reading my grouchy blog posts lately I am so, so glad that Dean has a job that allows me to stay home with Amelia while she is a baby.

10.* In a perfect life, I would go to a yoga class every day, get a massage every week, and write for 2 hours every morning.

11. I have been writing some. I am taking a "master class" that requires a "manuscript." So I have been reworking my manuscript. It's getting shorter instead of longer.

12. I wrote this series of poems that was 40 words each, 4 words per line for 10 lines. Now I don't like it and I am making the lines twice as long. But some of the poems want to be 5 lines and some want to be 6.

13. It was supposed to snow 6 inches here last night and not a drop. Denver has negative humidity, I swear. But after a week or so of unseasonable warm weather, now it is very cold.

14. Amelia is starting to say "no." Sometimes for no apparent reason. It often sounds more like she is just making the sound for the letter n.

15. Teething, you will be the death of me. I am attributing all of Amelia's weird sleep and fussiness to teething. The upper molars are breaking through at approximately 1/16 of a millimeter per day. Sometimes, out of the blue, poor Amelia starts wailing and gnawing on her fingers. We are making liberal use of Ibuprofen, Baby Orajel, and cold teethers.

16. I am still wearing my pajamas. If you want gift ideas for me, think warm pajamas.

17. Also: warm slippers, the ingredients for margaritas, those wrist warmers that are like gloves without the fingers, and gift certificates for yoga classes and massages. And could you come here and watch Amelia while I go to the yoga classes and get the massages?

18. If you asked me what I wanted to Christmas in the past couple of weeks and I said I didn't know or nothing, sorry. I just thought of that list as I wrote it.

19. I also like Anthropogie gift cards.

20. But what I really want more than anything is for all of our family to come visit us a lot. All of you. Everyone. And if you are Gano, we are serious when we say we want you to live next door.

*In rereading number 10--and the rest of this post, for that matter--it occurred to me that am a very spoiled person. I already have what tons of people would consider a very perfect life. I really do love my life, even if it's not perfect. Winter is making me grouchy. And underneath a lot of these superficial worries are more substantial ones, like how Amelia is going to grow up in a world filled with poison and melting polar ice caps and war and a Congress full of politicians who overuse the phrase "the American people" and can't get anything done. But my 20 minutes are up. So let me just add one more thought:

21.** What I really, really want more than anything is for everyone on earth, to be able to have the space to breathe, to consider the kind of world they would want to leave for the people who will come after them, and to be able to, with love in their hearts and in ways big or small, make the world that kind of place.

**Now I feel like a contestant in a beauty pageant. But it's been over half an hour and the clock is ticking. Peace.

Early to bed...

late to rise!

Amelia has been waking up at 5 or 5:30 am more often than not these days. This weekend, we kept her up till the ungodly hour of 7 pm on Saturday and Sunday nights. Both nights we had something we wanted to do outside of the house (Saturday we went out to dinner; Sunday we saw Christmas lights at the Botanic Gardens). She was literally in bed asleep at 7 so this was only 15 minutes to half an hour later than usual. (I don't think she ever really adjusted to the end of daylight savings time.)

Yesterday she was up and wide awake again at 5 am and a mess by 9:30, so she took a very early, and shorter than usual, nap. She was yawny by 4:45 pm, so I decided we should put her in bed by 6:30. We gave her an early dinner, and she ate well, but as soon as we took her out of the high chair she had a meltdown. She cried while we filled the tub and when we put her in the tub. Se we got her right out and took her upstairs and she was in her crib asleep by 6:20.

After one wake up at 3:00 (I went in at 3:30), she is STILL SLEEPING--and it's 6:55!!!