Snapshots of a three-year-old

I just realized we've hardly taken any pictures of Amelia since she turned three! I am going to try to take some today.

We're very busy these days. Also, I have become better at living in the moment. This results in more peace overall but also a dirty house and an un-updated blog. I almost decided to shut this whole blog down, replacing it with a photo website of some kind. There are a few other writing projects I have been trying to focus on, and I felt bad about how little I write here.

But I decided not to. For one thing, as much as I admire people who record a sentence a day or a photo of their child a day,  this is the only place I have consistently recorded Amelia's life. It would be sad to end it.

Plus, in retrospect, I suppose the silence will be telling. There is a book I found in a used bookstore in DC (Amelia in her Ergo carrier) called "The Seven Stages of Motherhood." I like its personal stories and the way it presents motherhood as a knowable path. The chapter on mothering a preschooler (age 3-5) is called "Trying to Do It All."

That sums things up pretty well. Since Amelia started school, I have had more time to fill, and sometimes I try to fill it with EVERYTHING: cleaning, cooking, yoga, writing, shopping, errands. Yet Amelia is only in school a few days a week, and I also started a teaching job. (!) I haven't written about it here, but it started back in the fall. Officially, I am a "Young Writers Outreach Instructor" for Denver's Lighthouse Writers. It's an amazing job--basically I am a visiting writer going into schools to teach craft--and it fell into my lap with absolutely no work on my part (other than the fact that I joined Lighthouse Writers, the best writers' group ever). I took a session teaching 9th and 10th graders for 3 days a week in the fall, and then took another 7-week session of pretty much the same gig. I also taught a 6-week course back in the spring and worked for a week at their Summer Writing Camp. I love being a "writer in the schools"--it has been a dream of mine to teach writing as a visiting writer since I was a high school teacher. I love the job.

At the same time, the job has created some stress. For one thing, the teaching ends midday, around the time the half day program for Amelia's school ends. Amelia's teacher said I could pick her up late, but in the meantime, Amelia began--drumroll--NAPPING AT SCHOOL. So I usually pick her up around 2 or 3, after the kids wake up, have a snack, and go outside to play. It's cute to come pick her up and see "all the friends" in their coats and hats and sunglasses (required) playing. One day they were barking like puppies and I could hear them a block away. Still, it's more school than I had planned for Amelia this year.

Also, teaching always ends up taking time away from writing. During my first fall teaching session, I hardly wrote my own stuff at all. For this second session, I started out with a stricter schedule for myself, and I was doing well with it--for one week. The second week of the session, Amelia got the flu (EVEN THOUGH SHE GOT A FLU SHOT). So I stayed home to be with her. I am very thankful I have the kind of life that allows me to stop everything to be with my baby when she needs me, so this is not meant to be a complaint, but it does seem like every time I get on a roll with writing, something happens--we go on a trip, someone gets sick, etc.

On the other hand, after three years of motherhood, I've learned that "all things pass." So I will get back on the roll again soon. This week, I am just glad for a healthy child. And the fact that I don't have the flu.

Anyway, here are some "snaphots" of our three-year-old. Real snapshots to come later today!

Amelia visits Santa: She was annoyed that she had to wait in line. She was the only kid not dressed up in fancy Christmas clothes. Between kids, the elves furtively shielded Santa while he used hand sanitizer. When it was her turn, Amelia said she was "nervous" and I told her she didn't have to see Santa, but she bolstered her courage, sat in his lap, and asked for a robot. He kept prompting her "what else?," which I thought was unnecessary. Just a robot, Santa!

Amelia and the "scary room:" A couple of weeks ago, I woke up around 11 pm to Amelia calling me into her room. She said "something's scary!" and pointed vaguely to the corner of her room. I held her hand while she fell asleep again, but she woke up 3 more times that night. According to The Happiest Toddler on the Block, a book I cannot recommend enough, it's normal for kids develop fears around this age. Using the ideas in the book, I rallied the next day, and we rearranged Amelia's room. It did sort of look scary in the corner: the combination of the nightlight in the corner plus a bookshelf that has a tree branch on it made strange shadows, plus we had her humidifier over there, emitting a spooky mist. So I moved all that around and put her night light right beside her bed. Also, we gave her a flashlight and made some special spray (water and lavender oil) to spray at scary things. And, we remover her bed rail and told her she could get out of bed and turn on her light if she wanted to see her room.

This marks the major parenting victory of my life so far: all this worked! Amelia loved having her night light closer, being a "big girl" with no bed rail, and getting out of bed to turn on her light. The first night at bedtime, we heard her light turn on and off about 10 times. In the meantime, to tempt her back into her own bed after 4-5 days of sleeping with Mama while being sick, we put Christmas lights up beside her bed. The first night those were up, she played in her bed for over an hour and a half before finally dropping off to sleep.

What else? I can't think of the other stories I wanted to tell, so here are a few fun facts. Amelia can spell her name and I think she can spell "Daddy" (she and Dean play with foam bathtub letters in the bath a lot). She can count up to 30 or so sometimes--I have heard her do it, but other times she refuses or does it wrong as a joke. She knows the sounds for most of the letters (I made up a song with letter sounds one day in desperation, trying to lull her to sleep, and it took). She loves the "Jennifer stories" I tell her sometimes to distract her while brushing her hair or the like--Jennifer is a girl just Amelia's age, again made up by me in desperation one day--I was trying to use Jennifer as an example of something, like a little story with a moral--"Jennifer didn't want her Mama to brush her hair, but her hair got so tangled she had to cut it all off!" But it turns out Amelia LOVES stories where Jennifer is "naughty:" Jennifer squeezes all of toothpaste out of the tube, refuses to share with her baby brother, dumps her food on the floor, much to Amelia's delight. I am not sure what this means, but in any case, Amelia loves stories and songs. She sometimes even makes up her own stories and songs, something I should try harder to get on tape.

I am sure there is a lot I am missing, but that's a peek into life here lately. Check back later for some real "snapshots" of Amelia!

Happy Valentine's Day!

little heart...



crafts



lots to say



We are doing much better this year than we were this time last year, and I am very thankful for a healthy little Valentine this year.



pigtails

Amelia, you are a precious Valentine, and I am a lucky Mama.

What's Going On

Time for a good, old-fashioned Amelia update. I'll sprinkle in a few pictures I just downloaded from my cell phone.



She is talking up a storm. She tries to repeat a lot of what we say, so I am trying even harder to eliminate the surprisingly high number of things I say that I would not want her to say. (I am not sure where I picked up such bad language. I'll blame my past students.)

Here are some of Amelia's new words:

fish
fall
up
down
apple
pear
pizza
crackers
two (as in, I want two crackers, two apples, etc. She wants one for each hand.)
Nanny
Luli
Poppa
Guru
Jes
Hea (for Heather) (She says these family names pointing at pictures; don't worry, we are working on the rest of the family but we need to put up more pictures!)
Momma
Daddy
shoes
boots
phone
pla (plate)
bowl
cup
fork
spoo (spoon)
slide
car
wa (wagon)
ride
dough (as in play dough)
star
moon
ca (helicopter)
Suki (or at least Su, she hardly ever says Gee anymore)
gaffe (giraffe)
no (She says no a lot.)
na (This is what it sounds like when she tries to say "another one" or "the other one" when there are two of things and she wants them; for example "put on my other shoe" or "where is the other baby.")
My mom just taught her yes ("ses") and, in relation to dirty diapers and things you should not put in your mouth, "nasty," which she says extremely clearly.

It's a fun time hearing her say new things. Oh, she also says "new." She loves "new" things. For example, she loves her new wagon, and she wants to ride in it every time she sees it. She also likes climbing on these little bouncy cars they have at the park, and she is proud because she can climb up on them all by herself--mostly. She has been climbing more and more--she can get up on the coffee table, and from there the couch. Scary. She likes to play with her farm animals, and her baby dolls, and her stuffed animals. She likes playing with play dough, but still pretty much just wants to chew on crayons. She can stack a couple of blocks without them falling, although she loves knocking down tall towers built by someone else. She is getting really good at putting small lids on things and has successfully sorted a few different shapes (star, circle, etc) in the sorting toy she has. She has started giving kisses, and will sometimes go through the room kissing all the animals and bringing them to whoever else is in the room so we can also kiss them. She also likes to feed things, making a little chewing sound as she does.



On the eating front, she is still nursing a few times a day, not nearly as much as when she came home from the hospital. She is not eating as much as she was when she came home from the hospital either, but that makes sense. She is falling back in what seems to be a more normal toddler pattern, eating a lot sometimes and hardly anything other times. she still loves noddles and rice and spinach and cheese, and she will usually eat a couple of servings of cut-up fruit a day, and she likes those tubes of yogurt for kids. Overall I feel happy with the amount she is eating and what she eats, which is a good feeling.

A note on teething--I feel like Amelia has been teething constantly since about 13 months. She keeps getting new teeth. Sometimes her gums seem to bother her, sometimes not. I have gotten better at recognizing teething signs like drooling, diaper rash, and gnawing on things, and Amelia realized that she loves Orajel, so it's not too bad. I do wonder if she is teething a lot today. She has a low fever.



Amelia seems to be almost totally over the stranger and new-place anxiety she had after the hospital. For quite awhile--and this partly explains the lack of recent posts, as I was too tired or too discouraged to write--she was not sleeping well. First she was waking up multiple times a night, sometimes screaming, a scared scream, not just a tired fuss. We really think she was having nightmares. Then that slowly faded, and she was sleeping through the night--until between 4 and 5 AM, when she was up for the day. But still tired. It would be one thing to rise at 4 each morning with a sunny, bright-eyed toddler, but this was coming downstairs and facing an immediate tantrum because you wouldn't let Amelia fling ground coffee all over the kitchen. So we started trying things. We tried earlier bedtimes. We tried later bedtimes. We tried leaving her in the crib for a long time, and then going to her right away. I tried nursing her back to sleep. We tried getting her to back to sleep in our bed. We tried early naps. Late naps. One nap, two naps. There were really no clear patterns to what worked and what didn't. One morning--I think it was last Sunday--she woke up at 5, Dean went to check on her and said night, night, and she was quiet. Then she fussed. Then she was quiet. And so on. About 30 minutes later, I gave up and went to her, but she wanted to nurse, and she fell asleep and slept for almost 2 more hours. (Of course Dean and I were wide awake, but whatever.) That return to morning sleep seemed to break the pattern, and she has been sleeping later, waking between 5:45 and 6:30, all week since then. We have been putting her down a littler later too, between 7 and 7:30. I also think, on a nap note, that it has helped to keep her up till at least 11 AM or noon even if she is sleepy earlier. She is definitely taking longer naps in the middle of the day, usually between 1 and a half and two hours, although they have been as short as an hour, and as long as, once last week, three hours and 15 minutes. That is an all time Amelia-nap record.

(In the interest of full disclosure, and for the record, I will note that I have been nursing her to sleep at naps. This started post-hospital and it has been so peaceful, so easy, so much better than the 10-20 minutes of pre-nap crying that went on every nap for the 5 weeks we tried not nursing at naps, that I have kept doing it. I know that it could have something to do with the bedtime problem, but... not willing to give it up yet.)




The one thing Amelia is still doing that seems related to hospital anxiety is having these horrible bedtime-related fits. They seem to be related to separation anxiety from me. She was crying a lot a bath time, so I started going into the bathroom with her, and now she cries when she is put in the crib. She can be perfectly happy, snuggling with Dean and reading stories, and then when it is time to actually go to bed, she just cries and cries. It is very stressful, and sad too because bath and bedtime had been such a peaceful and happy daddy-daughter time. But we are just hanging in there because one thing that seems true about raising a child is that nothing lasts, not the stuff you love but, luckily, also not the stuff you hate. It is just endlessly replaced with new stuff to hate--and luckily, new stuff to love.

How We Are

Eight days post-hospital, we are doing very well.

I am sure this is not what is on the forefront of everyone's minds, but I have had terrific writing week. Amelia has been sleeping for almost 2 hours every day so I have been able to do almost everything I wanted to do. I finished a poem that I think-- and hope!--will be the title poem of my manuscript. It's hard to say. I was totally enthralled when I wrote it, and I still like it a lot, but sometimes that first love fades as you realize the poem, in fact, is terrible. It's one I only started last week, so it could be too good to be true.

I am also working on rearranging my manuscript.



Lovely.

In other writing-related news, just before Amelia was in the hospital, I got an email from the editor of a journal who wants to publish one of my poems! This is from the round I sent out in October, and other than this good news, and one journal who told me that my poems have moved to a "second round of readings," it has been rejection city. I got one rejection email in three days. So it was encouraging to get an acceptance. And, I am in a poetry reading tomorrow! Read about it here. If you want to make a last minute trip to Denver... it'll be totally worth it.

Now, on to what you really what to know, which is how Amelia is doing. She is doing really well. She eats like a horse. Well, a small horse. Seriously, she has been starting her day with Cheerios, two scrambled eggs, some fruit and maybe some soy sausage or bacon, and going on from there. A snack like an hour later, then another snack, then lunch. After her nap a substantial snack and an early and large dinner. She has also been eating a wide variety of things, as long as they are first stabbed with a fork. It's a relief, since she basically didn't eat for the 3 weeks before and during her hospital stay.

Amelia is moving around well too, almost totally back to normal. For awhile you could tell it hurt her when she squatted and then stood back up but that seems to have gone away. She is very happy at home, but when we go out she is still wary of other people. She cried when we went to the library today. I think she thought it was too much like a hospital. But then when she saw we were just at Book Babies (we were at a library we had never been to before) she relaxed and sang and clapped and danced. She wasn't quite as mobile as she used to be, but it has been about 2 months since we have even been to Book Babies, and honestly, it was nice not to have to chase after her the whole time.

She has been spending a fair amount of time playing by herself since the sad departure of both of her grandmothers. The other day I was loading the dishwasher and realized it was quiet... too quiet...





Suki's water bowl has been moved farther down the stairs.


Back to normal... toddler-style.

Hospital Story, Part 2

So Dean and I left Amelia with the surgeons. We walked back up to our room where Dean's parents were waiting with dinner. It was hard to leave Amelia and I was scared but I also knew that she definitely was not going to get better without surgery. And we felt very good about the care she was getting at The Children's Hospital.

On yet another side note I want to say how amazing this hospital is. You should take some time to look at their virtual tour. It is a beautiful place and remarkably cheerful considering the fact that it is filled with sick kids. Every detail seems designed to engage children. It is filled with toys and sculptures and aquariums to play with and look at. Even the floors are beautiful--the main lobby floor is a collage of colorful birds and butterflies, and the floors in the elevator are studded with beads and glittery squiggles. And they have all these little red wagons for the kids to ride around in. There are playrooms and a library. There is a free daycare for siblings. There is a fabulous omelet bar in the cafeteria, and they make great pancakes too.

We had left Amelia for surgery at 6:20 PM, and the nurse said she would give us a call at 7:30 to let us know how things were going. As 7:30 approached and then passed, I got that nervous, faint-y feeling again. On the one hand, as I mentioned before, hospital time is not like real time. On the other hand, she had said "at" 7:30, not "around" or "close to" or something like that. She had said she would call us on the surgery waiting room phone if she couldn't reach Dean's cell, so I left Dean and his parents in the room and went back down to the waiting room. Then I was even more nervous there, so I called Luli and the nurse had just called Dean. When I got back up Dean relayed the nurse's report that Dr. Bruny had done everything she wanted to do, and we could meet the surgeons down in the waiting room in about twenty minutes.

So we went down and waited. When Dr. Bruny came out she said the surgery had gone well. Amelia's bowels had kind of rearranged themselves to block in her abscess so they were able to find and clean out the infection pretty easily, and they found and removed her appendix too. The only strange thing was that her appendix did not actually look perforated (aka burst). So they were not sure, if the appendix was in good shape, what would have caused the infection. But the doctor didn't seem concerned about it. I, however, immediately wondered if there was some sort of mystery disease Amelia could have that caused random weird infection in her body. But the doctor, again, didn't seem concerned. She said sometimes the appendix is perforated and you just can't see it, and sometimes you just never know what caused the problem.

I am going to fast forward here and say that we still really don't know what caused all this. Dr. Staetz told us that the germ that caused the abscess was a strep germ that usually abscesses in the brain, but the a surgeon told us it lived in the gut. (In any case it was not the same as the strep throat I was to get the following day.) The pathology report on Amelia's appendix showed that everything was consistent with appendicitis, although the pathologists did not see a perforation either. Picture a team of surgeons shrugging their shoulders here. Anyway, they fixed it.

So. Amelia was out of surgery and on morphine for pain and some other meds (an antibiotic, an anti-nausea drug, and maybe one more). The next day she mostly slept and was still very out of it. We were waiting and hoping for her to talk. But she still had this NG tube in (it goes from nose to belly and releases fluid and gas from the stomach), and she had to have these long braces on her arms so she wouldn't pull it out, so overall it was best that she was kind of in a morphine haze. The following day, Friday, I woke up feeling terrible, even for someone who had slept maybe 7 hours in the last 3 days. My throat was killing me and I thought I was going to collapse. The nurse checked my temperature and I had a fever, so Jim drove me home to rest for awhile. We got back to the hospital around 5 PM, and honestly I don't remember Amelia's state exactly. I know had already removed the NG tube and that we were waiting for her to start passing gas to relieve her swollen belly so they would not have to put the tube back in. I think sometime that day she started saying a few words and saying her animal sounds. Overall she was improving and already in much better shape.

Friday night was fairly peaceful for Amelia but horrible for me because of my sore throat. An angelic nurse gave me her own personal numbing cough drops, which go me through the night. First thing Saturday morning I drove to a nearby Urgent Care center and got a strep test, which was positive, so I got some penicillin. After I got that in my system, I started feeling better pretty quickly. However we were still worried about Amelia's distended belly. The doctors were saying that if she didn't start passing gas soon they would have to put back in the NG tube. Since Amelia was very aware of what was going on at this point, we all really wanted to avoid that. It would have made her totally miserable. She can't stand it when something is touching her face or stuck to her hands. She doesn't even like to wear a hat. So a tube taped to her face and itching her throat and nose would have been quite a trial. Plus putting the thing in is no picnic and having witnessed it once I was planning on being very vocal about not wanting the tube unless it was totally dire. Luckily, Amelia gradually got gassy. We were infinitely relieved.

Sunday was a day of waiting for poop. She was allowed to breastfeed again, and she was very happy about that. (I had requested a hospital pump and was pumping for maybe 5 minutes a night. I was too tired to do any more. Honestly I had come to terms with the idea that this might be the end of breastfeeding, but it all worked out okay.) Once Amelia had some milk, she started having more bowel sounds and finally some poop. Monday she ate some solid foods--Cheerios, rice and noodles Luli made and brought, some crackers. We had high hopes for going home on Tuesday. However, it was not to be. A blood test Tuesday morning showed that Amelia's white blood cell count was still slightly too high for the doctors' comfort. Dean and I were very frustrated because they told us that to go home, Amelia needed to be eating and pooping, and she was doing that. After several conversations with the surgeons we got the message that their decision might have more to do with medical liability than Amelia herself. Dean and I were frustrated because not only were we both tired of living in the hospital, we could tell that Amelia was just getting worn out. It was very hard for her to get much rest with nurses and doctors and who knows who else coming in and out of her room all the time. She looked exhausted and when we brought her back to our floor from a wagon ride, she would whimper when she saw where we were. And at lunch, when Amelia was sitting in my lap holding chicken finger in one hand and a cheese quesadilla in the other, it seemed plain silly to be in the hospital. But we made ourselves get over the frustration and tell ourselves that if out biggest problem with Amelia's doctors was that they were too careful, we were in good shape. (It turns out you can be frustrated and grateful at the same time. It was a spiritually interesting moment for me to realize that.)

Tuesday night was happy in that we had high hopes for getting out of the hospital the next day, and I even had hopes for a good night because the doctors had agreed that Amelia did not have to have her vitals checked while she was sleeping. Dean brought Thai food and the gratefulness in us had overcome the frustration. I have always tried to be grateful about Amelia's health, reminding myself when I am tired or frustrated how lucky I am to have a healthy baby. But I don't think I ever really appreciated it until we went through this. The truth is that what we went through, while obviously stressful, is nothing compared to what so many of the kids and parents in that hospital were and are going through. What was wrong with Amelia was not chronic and it is fixable. It is fixed. We are so grateful that she does not have cancer or a million other things that she just as easily could have. I still am thinking about those parents and kids many times a day, wishing them peace and strength. We are so, so lucky.

And I also want to thank everyone out there who sent us thoughts of healing and of love, who prayed for Amelia, who offered to help us with anything we needed, who called and texted and brought food and magazines and sent Amelia toys and crayons and balloons and cards. Each of those things really was so helpful. I knew I had good friends in Denver, but I didn't know how good they were until this! And we were especially lucky to have Dean's parents around. It will not go down as their best vacation ever, but their presence made it so much easier for Dean and me to get through the week. And even with so many of our friends and family members so far away, it was so helpful for me just to know how many people were thinking about Amelia, sending her support.

Wednesday morning, I woke up to a surgeon entering the room. He walked over to my air mattress and said, "Do you feel like going home today?"

Yes! And, although I was prepared to wait around most of the day for the discharge ball to get rolling, we ended up getting out of there pretty quickly because the hospital was totally full and they needed our room. Amelia got her last tube removed (note to surgeon: quietly singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" while removing a main line from a screaming child is more sinister than comforting) and we got our instructions and off we went.

So we have been home two nights now. Amelia is getting better and better. She was wary at first, kind of looking around wondering where we had been for so long. You can tell her incision hurts when she squats down and tries to stand back up, and she is definitely not as agile or quick as she was before the surgery, but she already moving more and seems to be in less pain. Also, she is still a little overly poopy from her antibiotics. However, I just talked to a nurse and she said the poop sounds like a normal side effect. So I think we are in good shape.

I am very glad to have told this story and put it behind us. Look for some Amelia pictures to be posted soon--live from Denver, now appendix-free.

Hospital Story, Part One

As you may or may not know, Amelia was in the hospital from Tuesday, February 15, through yesterday (Wednesday, February 23). A lot of friends and family have gotten the story in bits and pieces through texts and interrupted phone calls, or not at all, so this post should fill you in. Plus I am hoping it will be therapeutic to write this down.

Amelia was sick with a cold at the end of January and then with what we thought was a stomach virus after that. You can read about the "stomach virus" below. Last Monday afternoon and evening, Amelia felt very bad and spent about 3 hours just dozing my my arms. When Dean came home, we noticed that Amelia's stomach was distended, so I called the pediatrician on call (for the 6th or 7th time). She said that that could be part of the diarrhea but to call if it was stil going on on Wednesday. Monday night was rough; Amelia was waking up at a lot with a fever and diarrhea. Tuesday morning, she seemed a little better. Her fever was lower, and when she saw our leftover pasta in the frig, she said, "num num num" and "nooo-dle".

She ate some nooo-dles and some toast. Then she slept and we played a bit. The diarrhea stopped for awhile. But then she started fussing again, so I soothed her to sleep in my arms on our bed. When she woke up, she was kind of whimpering and her fever was a little higher, so I called the doctor. I had just decided I could not go through any more time not having her checked out, and if they told me it was a stomach virus and to come back tomorrow, so be it.

Amelia's pediatrician, Dr. Staerz, is a great doctor who has a solo practice. She shares calls with another doctor a little farther away from us, and sometimes their patients go to the other's office. We ended up going to the partner's office because they had an earlier appointment. On the way, Amelia was talking to herself and had perked up.

However, when we got to the doctor's office, Amelia took another turn for the worse. She began vomit ting while we were trying to get a urine sample. Both of us were covered in partially digested penne. Luckily had I had some extra clothes for Amelia, but not for myself. The doctor decided to draw some blood to run some tests, but when her nurse tried to find a vein, she was nervous that Amelia was too dehydrated and asked me if I would mind going to Dr. Staerz's office so that she could do it. I did not mind because I wanted Dr. Staerz to see Amelia anyway, so we packed up and headed to the other office.

In the meantime, the nagging worry I had felt all week had become acute. I was just starting to feel like something was very very wrong. Amelia slept on the way to the second doctor's office, and she slept in my arms while we waited for her blood to be drawn. She woke up and started vomiting again, so I rushed her to the bathroom. Most of it got on me. At that point I was pretty much in for a penny, in for a pound vomit-wise. When Dr. Staerx saw Amelia, she said, "She isn't well." Indeed. She drew the blood, and then told me that she wanted to me to stay and have Amelia sip some melted Popsicle or Pedialyte. If she couldn't keep in down, she wanted to me to take Amelia to an emergency room for fluids.

It was almost a relief to hear that, because I just wanted Amelia to be better. We got some melted green Popsicle down Amelia by giving it to her with a syringe, but she threw it back up. So with the doctor called the local ER to let them know we were on the way, and I called Dean, and off we went.

Amelia again slept on the way to the ER. There was valet parking so I could take her right in, and it was very calm when we got there, so we were taken right back to a room. While I was talking to the ER pediatrician, Dean and his mom arrived. (Dean's parents has just arrived for a week's visit. Great timing.)

Then began the process of getting an IV in Amelia's tiny veins. She was much more dehydrated than we had realized, and it took the doctors and nurses at least 10 or 12 tries before they got one in (in her foot). It was awful. Amelia was scared and in pain and being stuck repeatedly with a needle. Plus every so often she would throw up, and her vomit was taking on a rusty color, looking more and more bloody each time. All I could think was "something is very wrong," but I kept trying to soothe Amelia and tell her everything was okay.

Just a side note to say I almost feel like I somehow became a real mother sometime during our experience in that emergency room. Despite all that was still to come, I think our time in the first ER was the worst part of this whole experience because Amelia was in so much pain and we had no idea what was wrong. She was so upset and we were so scared. It was truly the worst part of the worst night of the worst week of my life. I felt like I was going to faint. All I wanted to do when they were trying to get the IV in her, and later when they were drawing spinal fluid to test for meningitis, was to leave the room so I didn't have to watch these things happen to my baby. But I couldn't. And there was no way I actually would have. I realized that my job was to stand there and tell Amelia that she was brave and strong and that everything was going to be okay. And for that to happen I could not be upset. I had to be calm and strong myself. And so I was--or I tried very hard to be.

Anyway they finally got the IV in. They did the spinal tap. (Random memory--after the procedure the ER doctor was taking the tape off Amelia's back and he said, "I think getting the tape off is the worst part." Um, no, I think the part where you stuck a huge long needle into my baby's spine was the worst part.)

It's hard to remember the timing of things after that but we got the good news that Amelia did not have meningitis and then they told us that they had gotten the results from her earlier blood tests. Her white cell count was very very high. The ER doctor told us Dr. Staerz wanted up to go to the nearby Children's Hospital so they could do more evaluation. Then he told us one of the things that they would be looking into was leukemia.

That might have in fact been the worst moment in all of this. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever heard. The ER doctor kind of wound his speech back around to saying that odds were she had a stomach virus, but it was too late for that kind of talk. We were in a black hole of terror and Amelia was still throwing up blood.

We must have waited quite awhile for a team of ambulance people to come move Amelia. In the meantime the ER doctor had talked to an oncologist at Children's, who told him that based on what she could see of the blood test and what we were describing, it was likely not leukemia. So that was reassuring but in the way that pouring a teaspoon of hot water into an icy bathtub might be warming. Finally the ambulance people arrived, got Amelia strapped into to a stretcher, and off we went.

I rode in the ambulance with Amelia while Dean drove the car. When we got to Children's Hospital they had a room in the ER waiting for us. A doctor came right in and the first thing he said was, "So what did you hear at [the first hospital]? A lot of people come in from there freaked out."

I said we were had heard leukemia as well as some other horrible-sounding diseases. After telling us that leukemia was a scary word but that the survival rate for it was over 95% these days, he went over the reasons he did not think that Amelia had it. He did the same for the other diseases they had thrown out at the other hospital. He also drew some more blood so that he could have a very good hematologist there take a look at the blood just to be sure.

Another side note--this experience has shown us how subjective a lot of medicine is. For example different doctors might read a high count of white blood cells in different ways depending on how the cells look and how old they are. Dean and I both realized we tended to think of medical diagnoses and treatment as very exact and scientific but that is not always the case. It underscored in my mind how hard it must be to be a doctor. I am a million times more impressed with doctors than I already was.

Again, I can't remember the timing, but we were in the Children's ER from about midnight to 6AM. A kind nurse brought in a cot for Dean and me to share. I also spent some time lying with Amelia on her bed. Every now and then she was still waking up, looking miserable, and throwing up blood. Her little lips were parched and rimmed with red. The hematologist came in and confirmed that Amelia's blood looked nothing like leukemia. The ER doctors kept coming in and checking. Finally he told us he wanted to admit her but he was not sure whether to send her to a room or to get a CT scan. He eventually decided that because her symptoms where not really in line with appendicitis and because it is so very rare for such a young child to get it, he would send us up to a room to let the hospital doctors continue to evaluate Amelia. Dean and I agreed that that seemed like the best thing to do at that point.

As we were wheeled up the our room, the sun was rising. It was the first time ever that I have stayed awake all night.

When we got to our room, we were greeted my our kind nurse Leesa, who would actually be our nurse for 5 of the 7 nights we would be there. Again, my memory is fuzzy at this point. Doctors came in and out. Amelia kept throwing up. The took a stool sample. Everyone was still leaning toward virus at this point. Apparently Dr. Staerz called around 8 or 9 AM and ordered an x-ray, and that's when things began to move along.

The x-ray showed that there were some issues with Amelia's bowels being blocked and I think they also showed that she had an infection in her abdomen as well. We were told the surgeons would come up and look at Amelia and either order a CT scan or do surgery right away. The surgeons came up. They said it was not a case in which we needed to rush to do surgery and ordered the CT scan. We got the CT scan. It confirmed what the x-rays showed: obstructed bowel, infection, possible ruptured appendix. She was going to need surgery to fix it.

By the time all this happened it was maybe 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Amelia was clearly in pain. We fully expected her surgery to happen very soon, but at that point the doctors began to speak of putting in a catheter and seeing how she did. I began to be suspicious that they were thinking of not doing the surgery that day. The doctor we were talking to, who was not a surgeon, was being vague on what the plans actually were. The fact that some emergency surgeries had come up was mentioned. At this point, trying hard not to be tearful, I made it very clear to everyone that I wanted Amelia's surgery to be done that day. Maybe she wasn't a life-threatening emergency, but she was in pain and we had already spend more than half the day waiting for decisions and test results and doctors to arrive and etc. Hospital time is very slow.

After that things started to move along. A surgeon came up to tell us she was scheduled for 6 PM. He talked about the surgery, the procedure, benefits and risks. We signed some papers.

We were still scared but relieved that things were moving in the right direction as far as fixing poor Amelia. I really don't know what we did all afternoon, but at 5 PM, a nurse came and told us they were ready for Amelia. Some people came and wheeled her crib to the surgery floor. We waited awhile and then talked to some anesthesiologists, then to Amelia's surgeon, Dr. Bruny. She was extremely reassuring. She seemed very calm, cool and collected, which was the case with most of the surgeons we spoke too, but she was also plain nice. Not that the other surgeons were mean--they were just direct to the point of being curt. I am not criticizing them--they have a very intense job. But Dr. Bruny made us feel very good. She told us her plan was to do the incision, clear out the infection and then remove the appendix. She answered our questions, and then wet to get ready for the surgery. They gave Amelia the first medicine that would put her to sleep, we kissed and told her we loved her, and the nurses, while playing with the stuffed animals in Amelia's crib, wheeled her away.

Whew. That's all I can do at this point. Spoiler alert: Amelia is home now, happy and playing, so don't worry about the ending. But I will have to write about the surgery and the days after ASAP.

Breaking News: Motherhood Remains Challenging Beyond Baby's First Year

I don't know when I am going to stop being surprised that parenting is hard work.

I guess when you have a newborn and you are shocked and exhausted, everyone's first instinct is to tell you that "it gets easier." I have told several new moms and dads that very thing over the past 14 months. And it is true: compared to having a newborn, having a 14 month old is much easier. But every day presents new challenges. I never seem to hit the stride I keep expecting to hit.

The main issue continues to be sleep. We went to a playgroup the other day and it seemed like all the other moms were radiantly well-rested. Their babies, all roughly Amelia's age, sleep 12 or 13 (13!) hours a night. (Well, there was one other mom whose baby sleeps worse (much worse) than Amelia. Interestingly, Amelia and that baby are the only ones who are still breastfeeding.) Amelia was only waking up once around 4 am but since our return from Santa Fe she was been up at 1:30 and 4 or so and is more often than not up for the DAY at 5:30. We have been trying to let her work it out on her own but she has had a little cold and half an hour of crying is all I am willing to do when I know she is not in perfect health. After all, when I have a cold I wake up stuffy and thirsty and such. So if she does not go back to sleep within about half an hour, I go to her and nurse. I alternate wildly between thinking that this is the best thing for her and thinking that she is just in a bad habit of nursing back to sleep. Last night between 1:30 and 1:45 I had decided I was DONE nursing at night and I was not going to do it EVER AGAIN but by 1:45 Amelia sounded so sad and tired that I had to will myself to wait 10 more minutes to go to her. And when I did she was stuffy and her little cheeks were wet with tears. So I felt terrible for leaving her in there alone for even 25 minutes.

Self-doubt, anyone?

Obviously, I have not solved the sleep issue. Please let me know if you have the answer.

In other news, Amelia may not have been a toddler on her first birthday but she is definitely one now. She toddles from hither to yon all day long. She almost never crawls anymore. And: she has tantrums. Toddler tantrums. If she doesn't want to get into her carseat or her stroller, she arches her back and screams. If we won't let her, say, bite into a grapefruit or climb on the stove, she protests with gusto. She has her own agenda now and it involves exploring anything and everything at her own desired pace.

So one of the new challenges is to pick the right battles. We try to make our house so that we don't have to say "no" all the time but we can't anticipate every potential tantrum-causing event before it happens. I have been trying to pick a few things to be very firm about, like the aforementioned climbing on the stove. She has been trying to use the handle of the drawer under the stove as a stairstep and grabbing the knobs on the stove to pull herself up. Obviously that is very dangerous, especially if something is cooking. So when she does this I give a stern "No, no."

After I did this the second time I found out that Amelia may have inherited my very strong sensitivity to being scolded. I was, by all accounts, an excellent baby so I wasn't scolded very much but when I was I would cry and cry. (I also cried a lot.) I hated thinking that I had done something wrong and that anyone was mad at me. When Amelia turned around from the stove to see my grave expression her own face crumpled and she burst into tears. Not tantrum tears, hurt feeling tears.

So there again is a new challenge. I tried to simultaneously comfort her and emphasize that she can't climb on the stove.

The same thing happens when we remind her to be "gentle" to the Christmas tree. Actually after only a few times of this she really won't touch the tree at all and just looks at it. So I suppose we are doing something right, at least as far as holiday decorations are concerned.

It's so interesting watching Amelia's little personality. She is definitely more extroverted than both Dean and I combined, but she also seems to be a kind little soul. She hardly ever takes anything from another baby anymore, which is not kind of rare from what I have seen. She will walk up to the baby and his or her ball or whatever it is she wants to see and put out her hand, but then stop and just look. Of course if said baby does not "share" the item fairly soon, unless Amelia is distracted into playing with something else) it is another story.

The good news is that while parenthood certainly makes life infinitely more challenging, it makes like more interesting and more delightful to an equal degree. Amelia has been "dancing" and has moved from what Luli named "the cool jerk" to a little twist and bounce. It is adorable. She loves music. (I wonder where she gets that?) I will try to capture her new dance on video soon.

What else? Amelia eats a ton now. Some of her current favorites are soy sausages, Cheerios, cheese, rice, raspberies, pears, green beans from a can, chicken salad, and these Snap Pea Crisps. (Take the time to read the product description. It's hilarious.) She drinks a lot of whole milk from a sippy cup and recently discovered orange juice. And she is a pro with the sippy cup now, having finally learned how to hold it up. (I taught her (!) by making game of putting the sippy cup in my mouth and dramatically throwing back my head. I was proud.)

She can say "baby" for sure also "momma." She is working on replacing "ball" for "dog." She understands a ton of what we say to her, and will follow fairly complicated directions.

Her hair is getting very long and has to be brushed every morning--she wallows in her crib and wakes up with crazy bed head. To fix her hair, I put a towel in the sink and set her on the bathroom counter. She plays with the toothbrushes and things while I douse her with detangler and comb. And comb and comb. Then she gets a little ponytail.

In mommy news, if you remember that book contest I entered, I am pretty sure I did not win because I have heard nothing about it, but this spring I am going to take a class designed to help writers create their first book. It's not cheap, but I think it will be worth it, as it will get me out of the house and working with other writers again. (And since it is in the evenings, it will be a catalyst in making us learn how to put Baby A down without nursing.)

I obviously lost steam on my influential book project but I been reading, among many other things, Leaves of Grass. I promise to write about it soon. If you don't know anything about Leaves of Grass, it's got a really interesting history so check it out. (There will be a quiz.) I have also been reading a lot of other books. I am 1/4 to 1/2 into at least 3 novels and 4 books of poetry, plus two issues of Poetry and an article about the stock exchange from The New Yorker. I seem to have a short attention span.

Maybe I should use the remainder of naptime to read. Of course as I am typing this last sentence, Amelia is waking up.

Lead and Coal

At her one year check up, Amelia was tested for lead, and her results were on the high side. For the past couple of weeks, we have been searching for the source of her exposure. She has spent her life in two very old houses. While we can't test the DC house, we have had the Denver house tested thoroughly and are waiting for results.

The man who tested our house was very kind and informative. He reassured me a little about Amelia's lead level (a nine), saying that while lead is very bad for babies and children, a nine is on the high side of normal, to the extent that there is a normal.

He spent 5 hours at our house, testing and explaining. I know a lot about lead now. But one of the things he said stuck with me. He was going off on a tangent about cadmium, saying that now that lead is being more regulated, some companies are switching to cadmium (for example, see this recall of a toy from McDonald's here).

Then he said, "But it's not just lead, and it's not just cadmium. There are thousands of terrible things in our environment, and we put most of them there ourselves, or allow them to be there."

About a week later, I read a post on Beyond Friendship Gate, my friend Caroline's blog. She has been learning and speaking out against coal ash for awhile now.

Coal ash is waste from coal-fueled power plants. Its disposal is currently unregulated.
While we are continue our search for the lead in Amelia's environment, please take a minute to read Caroline's post about coal ash.

The EPA is taking comments from the public about coal ash until November 19. If you decide that you would like to speak out against coal ash, you can comment in less than a minute by using a pre-written letter here. If you like, you can do what I did and add personal comments at the beginning of the letter, too.

I know lots of people in our families have been concerned about Amelia's lead exposure. Dean and I have certainly been worried. But the truth is that there are thousands of other things she comes into contact with that are similarly harmful. Lead is just one that we have become more careful about fairly recently. Please take a moment to learn a little about coal ash, and to speak out sometime against it during the next four days.