Monday, Monday

I finally got a set of poems ready for submission to journals! Suki helped. I will walk the envelopes to the mailbox later. Cross your fingers for me--and the waiting begins. (It can take up to 4 or 5 months to hear back from these journals.)

In other news, The Wiggle Baby has a new name. Besides Amelia, which we can't seem to call her yet. Really, we just call her "the baby." But also, she is now The Baby Wad.

This appealing name is due to her new move, which is to wad herself up in a ball on the upper right side of my uterus. She has limited space as it is, so I am not sure why she likes to curl up in one spot like that. Honestly, it is not comfortable for mama. Dean pointed out that curling up in a small ball IS called "the fetal position."

Despite the way it feels, anyway, she must be a bit more stretched out than she feels to me, because at my doctors appointment last week I learned that her head was "way down there." The doctor said this as he was checking my cervix for dilation, a super fun and comfortable process, let me tell you. He said my cervix felt "at least half effaced" but never actually said if I was dilated. I got distracted with his explanation of why it was good the baby's head was down: "It can wear away your cervix now and make labor shorter." Right on! I'm for it.

Sometimes I can FEEL that her head is "way down there," another interesting feeling. I've been having crampish feelings that may be digestion-related (there's not a lot of space for anything but baby), or maybe Braxton Hicks contractions? I really don't know. They're not debilitating or regular, or associated with any blood or fluid loss, so I assume I'm fine.

We did a few more baby prep errands yesterday. Dean installed the diaper sprayer in the downstairs bathroom and we made the harrowing trip to the NoVA (that's Northern Virginia) Target to pick up some odds and ends. I am still at a loss regarding cloth baby wipes, and we have to figure out how exactly we are going to handle the diaper pail. Other than that, I really think we are almost all the way ready. As ready as we can be, anyway.

Dean and I have both been feeling a little restless. It's strange to think that the baby could come SOON or that we could still have 3 or 4 weeks to go. I'm kind of impatient but don't want her to come TOO early. My due date is officially 3 weeks from today. My mom has predicted an early baby. Dean said today that he thinks she will come "at the end of next week." And from the beginning I thought that September 25 would be a good day to have a baby. (It rhymes with my birthday, November 25.) If you'd like to cast your bets, now is the time.

I have been feeling alternately brave and anxious about the delivery. I took a "birth plan" to my appointment on Friday and discussed some things with the doctor, which was reassuring. He is agreeable to all of my preferences except he says I have to wear the baby monitoring thing around my waist once I am 5 cm dilated because the nurses are too busy to come in and monitor with a Doppler as they could if you were at a birthing center. I suppose I can live with that. He says you can still move around with it on. And at the time I figure I can always make a fuss if I decide to. Surely you can wear it intermittently? Besides the mobility issue, I've read that the monitors can make doctors and nurses think something is wrong when there isn't. Who knows. I've cut myself off from reading any books written by midwives and doulas. They make me anxious about a hospital birth. Honestly, I should probably be going to a birthing center. It fits my personality and gut feeling about this whole process better. But I didn't find out about birthing centers till too late in the game to get into one. By the time I called there was a waiting list for October births. I was seventh. At this point I am just trying to go with the flow. I know that if I WAS going to the birth center I would probably be anxious about not being at a hospital. IF I have a second baby--and that's a big IF--maybe I'll try the doula/midwife/home birth route.

As for the delivery itself, I had an idea that maybe giving birth is like teaching a class. In SOME ways--stay with me. It's just that I get nervous before every single class I teach. I vaguely dread walking into the room and getting started, and I worry about the little details. You just can't plan every single moment of a class and you have to think and act on your feet, and as a planner that fact makes me nervous. But then as soon as I start teaching, I have fun. I am always able to come up with stuff to say, and to think of examples and stories in the moment itself, and to handle what arises as it comes. So I was thinking maybe giving birth will be like that. You can't possibly plan or know exactly what is going to happen, but when the time comes, you will be able to go with it. That's my hope, anyway! We shall see.

Week 30

Thirty weeks is a long time. Dean noted that this morning while he was eating his cereal. I agree. It's 3/4 of 40. (For you non-pregnant people, pregnancy is counted in weeks. It's 40 weeks, although it can go longer or shorter. If you ask a pregnant woman how far along she is, she will likely answer in weeks, not months. Thirty weeks is about seven and a half months.)

On top of that, it's almost the end of July, and my deadline to be ready for the baby, or as ready as we can be, is the end of August. My classes begin August 31, and I want all baby items to be ready to go before school begins. This includes setting up the car seat, putting the co-sleeper beside the bed, washing the bottles, and number of other tasks I have recorded under the title "Baby To Do List." We have a lot coming up baby-wise in August, including two more baby showers (one in NC and one here), a yoga workshop for labor and delivery (taught by my prenatal yoga teacher), the hospital tour, a "breastfeeding basics" class, and another ultrasound. School-wise, I have to choose essays to be included in the next Interpolations and meet with my substitute-to-be Agnes to plan our syllabus and choose textbooks. I am going to align my syllabus with hers so that it is easy for her to step in and take my classes whenever the baby comes. We got all of the substitute plans worked out with the department, finally, so it is all set that I will take six weeks off beginning when the baby comes. When I go back after six weeks Dean will stay home with the baby on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. All in all it's worked out pretty well. Dean has seven weeks of sick time he can use as "paternity leave" so he is going to take 3 or 4 of them at the beginning and use the rest to work partial weeks. That will get us through the semester, and then I will have January off--UM has a winter term and I don't teach then. It only recently occured to us that following fall and winter will be spring, so we don't have any real set plans for the spring (or summer or the rest of our lives with a daughter) but we are smart people so I am sure we will come up with something.

I am feeling pretty good, although I am sleepy a lot and some of the nausea seems to be returning. This time around, it is more classic "morning sickness," as in it really does occur only in the mornings. Whatever. I wish it would go away entirely, but that seems unlikely at this point. Of all the pregnancy problems that can happen, this one is far from the worst.

I have been trying to stay active: I walk up escalators, walk a lot in general throughout the city, and I try to both go to yoga classes and swim once a week. It would be very easy to descend into total inactivity, but I think I feel better when I am active, and besides that, I am in training for labor. If I am lucky and things go well enough with my labor to proceed naturally, I don't want to get too exhausted to keep going.

I am definitely looking more forward to the time when the baby is here. Before I was pregnant, I romanticized pregnancy. It was to me a time of wonder, rosy glows and cute maternity dresses. I was puzzled if a mom I knew happened to mention that she didn't like pregnancy. Now that I know more of the real deal I know what's not to like. Still, I am trying to enjoy this time while it lasts. Pregnancy is the ultimate example of non-permanence--the baby (and your body) changes every day. I try to remind myself to live in the moment.

After all, I may only have this experience once.

For the record, though, feeling the baby move is the coolest thing ever. It is definitely the one thing I will miss about being pregnant. The wiggle baby's whole repoirtoire has changed since I labeled her moves a few months ago. In fact, many of her movements are kind of alarming. There are a lot of strong kicks, rapid jabs, and repeated thrusts that make me wonder what's going on in there. As long as I assume everything's okay, it's very cool, and possibly the only thing that will make me nostalgic about pregnancy.

Still, I am getting more and more excited to meet and hold this little wiggly person. Maybe because it's the only choice, I am becoming less terrified about having a baby. Dean's excitement helps a lot. I still feel like I am going up a tall, tall roller coaster--there's only one way out--but instead of squeezing my eyes shut and clutching the safety bar, I am looking around at the amazing view. Hopefully by the time labor comes I will be ready to put my hands in the air and enjoy the ride.

Anyway, pregnancy/life change metaphors aside, I think we may have picked a name for the baby. I actually got a lot of suggestions--thanks everyone!--and Dean and I added almost all of the suggested names to our master list. The name we are thinking of has surprised me, since it was not on my original list of names at all. But the more I think about it the more I like it. And yes, I am going to be coy and not say what it is right now. Dean and I have "picked a name" before and I have changed my mind about it, so I am having a practice session with this name in my mind for at least a week or two before I say what it is.

So, the mystery baby remains mysterious for now. The mama is off to the pool.

28th Week Update

Twelve or less weeks to go. Or a couple more, I suppose. I think less.

The most exciting event of the week was meeting baby Lucy! This is Lucia Armijo, the new daughter of Enrique/Henry and Caroline, our friends from Dean and Enrique's law school days. I got to hold Lucy and play with her during her tummy time and she even feel asleep in my arms. Sadly, I forgot the camera (as usual), but you can see and read about Lucy on Caroline's blog. She is tiny and adorable. It was great to talk with Caroline and finally meet Lucy.

In other news, Dean and I attended session one of "Make Way for Baby" last week. We go back tomorrow. Let's just say that the first session was not all I had hoped for. Mainly, the teacher was terrible. I am probably pretty judgmental of other people's teaching, but really, she was awful. She has a very confusing way of explaining things that involves starting whatever she is saying with the conclusion, then backtracking to an example, which she repeats four or five times (seriously, almost word for word), and then she works her way back to preliminary points, and ends by restating the conclusion. It's extremely irritating. Also, she said things I think are just wrong, such as "The baby sucks the calcium from your bones." And worst of all, she seemed embarrassed when she taught us about some of the laboring positions. Some of the class members were sort of giggly and shuffly about getting down on their hands and knees and such, and it was like she let the students' discomfort make her uncomfortable. Come on people, we're talking about giving birth. It's not the time to be modest. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE THE TEACHER.

But, much to Dean's dismay, we're going back anyway, because we have paid. And despite it all, attending the class did make me feel better. It was nice to hear, in a hospital setting, about some of the things I want to do that I had anticipated the hospital being difficult about. I have reached a nice Zennish (can one be Zennish? or do you have to be just Zen or not?) state about labor. I have a plan and I am not interested in hearing any more stories or opinions about the whole thing, particularly anyone's estimations or descriptions of how much it hurts. (NOTE: That statement does not apply to all the moms I know, who have been great in talking and offering advice, or to anyone I specifically ask. I'm just tired of random people, such as, oh, the saleswoman at Gap, telling me their thoughts about giving birth. Another annoying thing random people do is say "Oh, you'll never sleep again.") I will write about my plan later.

The wiggle baby needs a new name. Well, obviously--but what I mean is that she has not been as wiggly. In fact we had an unscheduled ultrasound about it this week because I called my doctor about a few other questions and mentioned that the baby's pattern of movement had changed. (Everything I've read says to tell your doctor if the pattern of movement changes.) She was still kicking and moving, but she was not as wiggly. I figured the doctor would tell me it was fine and not to worry--but instead he said he would call for me to get an ultrasound if I wanted. After that, what are you going to do but get an ultrasound? So we got to peek into the baby's world another time. She is fine. Today she started wiggling again a bit. Who knows. Anyway I know that her repertoire has expanded some. And I won't post the graphic picture that proves it, but we are very sure now that she is a girl.

What else? Dean and Luli (his mom) are going backpacking this weekend. I've been missing the mountains, but despite Dean's offer to carry all my stuff, I declined his invitation to join them. I've been doing okay walking up the Metro escalators, but I am not sure how I would do with mountains. Not to mention two nights of sleeping on the ground and not having an assortment of food, such as cold milk, banana bread, and watermelon Popsicles, to eat upon waking in the morning.



Here's Dean getting ready. Suki is helping. She loves maps.

And our garden is doing well. We have beans, tomatoes, zucchini, and cucumbers. In fact, I am signing off to figure out what to do with it all. I have been thinking of it all day as a "farm supper."



Here are the beans. Some are purple, but they turn green when you cook them.

If you have baby name ideas, I am officially open to suggestions.

Joy, Terror, Despair

Those are the three emotions I seem to cycle through on a fairly regular basis. To call them "mood swings" is a bit of an understatement. I'm talking extreme happiness one day, extreme sadness the next. Yes, I know--the hormones. But it's been interesting to consider what else causes these feelings.

The terror should be pretty obvious. I am having a baby and I am going to have to figure out what to do with it--I mean her. I've read enough to know that there is no real way to plan for this. Of course on the one hand there are LOTS of ways to plan. We've picked out baby items. Set up a crib. Signed up for birth and baby care classes. I have read tons and tons and tons about pregnancy, labor, birth, the first year, sleeping, nursing, etc. But until it happens, I have no way of knowing what will actually happen! I don't know when the baby is coming, or how, and I don't know how long I will need to stop teaching after she comes. I don't know how nursing will go. I don't know if the used breast pump I just got will work. I don't know how much I will get to sleep. If at all.

I don't know from day to day if I will feel good, horrible or somewhere in the middle. I don't know if I will have a good writing day or be too tired or nauseous to write anything worth saving. I am a planner. I like to be in control. I like to make lists and cross things off as I complete them. Having a baby is a huge reminder of how out of control life really is. It's overwhelming.

Being overwhelmed, I think, mixed with the terror like some kind of cheap, sub par martini bar cocktail, leads to the despair.

But.

At the same time--actually NOT at the same time, but soon or eventually following--is the joy. I have a lot to celebrate. In fact (caution--swift mood-swing-like transition here--), I thought I would take some time to count my blessings:

1) I have a very healthy baby! This is too easy to take for granted. A friend of a friend is pregnant with twin boys and has had a really scary, difficult time. Each time I remember her I feel guilty for being blue about nausea, weariness, the uncertainty of the future, or just plain nothing. I am very, very thankful that the baby has been so healthy and happy. (Every time the doctor checks her heartbeat, he says, "What a happy baby!")

2) I have a great husband and partner. Dean is very patient, loving and supportive. He is very excited about the part where the baby actually comes, which I find very helpful and hopeful. If I say I am terrified, he waves his hand and says "It's going to be great!" (This COULD be annoying but isn't--it's actually extremely reassuring.)

3) I have a wonderful family. From parents to parents-in-law, sister to aunts and everyone in between, my entire family has been nothing but kind, loving, generous and supportive. The nameless wiggle baby is very loved already.

4) I have terrific friends. You know who you are. Without your endless and amazingly thorough advice, I would be a zillion times more lost and overwhelmed.

5) I have a flexible, relatively well-paying summer job that gives me time to write.

6) I have a flexible, relatively well-paying teaching gig for the fall, AND I found a great person to fill in for me for 6 weeks after the baby is born. Dean's job will allow him to stay home with the baby while I teach two mornings a week after that.

7) We have a lovely (albeit rented) home, well-chilled with central air, lots of good food, a soft bed, a soft cat (and soft pillows, a soft couch, six-and-counting soft, soft baby blankets...)

8) The blueberry cobbler I made yesterday turned out well! I am NOT a good baker, folks. This was a real triumph. I can go to the fridge at any time and get some, with ice cream. Yum.

9) We have home-grown tomatoes just steps from our back door.

10) Dean just came home and is going to cook dinner for me.

11) I have spent the last hour on the aforementioned soft couch, doing what I love (a.k.a. writing), with the wiggle baby kicking or bopping around inside me in a happy and reassuring fashion.

What more could a wanna-be poet and mama-to-be ask for?

The Wiggle Baby Update

Dean felt the baby move last night! We had just eaten and I felt a few strong kicks, so I got Dean to put his hand on my belly, and she did it a few more times!

And now this morning while I have been writing, she is apparently in there taking karate lessons. Just when I said she wasn't a kicker, she is (to put it as my grandmother would say it) kicking up a storm.

The Wiggle Baby

The Mystery Baby of several weeks ago is now The Wiggle Baby. I'm feeling her move a lot these days. It's fun, although it can be distracting if I am supposed to be paying attention to something else.

She has a lot of fun in there. I've started to notice a variety of movement types. Here's a list of her common moves:

The Wiggle: This one is most common, hence the baby's current name. It's a quick little wiggle.

The Kick: Not very common, contrary to popular belief. I've felt very few kicks. I'm told this will change. When she DOES kick, it's an obvious kick. Strong.

The Wave: This is a fairly new one. It's a slow, delicate wiggle, a wiggle in slow motion.

The Ice Queen: This was a new one last night. It was like the inside of my uterus was an ice rink, and she was sliding around on it. It tickled.

The Prolonged Poke: She pushes her foot or hand or something onto one spot and leaves it there. This is an odd feeling; it almost hurts. It makes me want to press back (I usually do, and then it goes away).


"Stay in there, baby!": This is the most alarming and unexpected of movements. It's any of the above movements felt in a spot that is difficult to describe--I guess it's just above the cervix. I've written about it before--it feels like where the baby will eventually begin to make her exit.

All of this is very interesting. When you've never been pregnant, if you've ever felt a baby move it was by putting your hand on a mother's belly and getting a kick. When the dance party is happening inside you, it's very different. It's very 3-D.