Joy, Terror, Despair

Those are the three emotions I seem to cycle through on a fairly regular basis. To call them "mood swings" is a bit of an understatement. I'm talking extreme happiness one day, extreme sadness the next. Yes, I know--the hormones. But it's been interesting to consider what else causes these feelings.

The terror should be pretty obvious. I am having a baby and I am going to have to figure out what to do with it--I mean her. I've read enough to know that there is no real way to plan for this. Of course on the one hand there are LOTS of ways to plan. We've picked out baby items. Set up a crib. Signed up for birth and baby care classes. I have read tons and tons and tons about pregnancy, labor, birth, the first year, sleeping, nursing, etc. But until it happens, I have no way of knowing what will actually happen! I don't know when the baby is coming, or how, and I don't know how long I will need to stop teaching after she comes. I don't know how nursing will go. I don't know if the used breast pump I just got will work. I don't know how much I will get to sleep. If at all.

I don't know from day to day if I will feel good, horrible or somewhere in the middle. I don't know if I will have a good writing day or be too tired or nauseous to write anything worth saving. I am a planner. I like to be in control. I like to make lists and cross things off as I complete them. Having a baby is a huge reminder of how out of control life really is. It's overwhelming.

Being overwhelmed, I think, mixed with the terror like some kind of cheap, sub par martini bar cocktail, leads to the despair.

But.

At the same time--actually NOT at the same time, but soon or eventually following--is the joy. I have a lot to celebrate. In fact (caution--swift mood-swing-like transition here--), I thought I would take some time to count my blessings:

1) I have a very healthy baby! This is too easy to take for granted. A friend of a friend is pregnant with twin boys and has had a really scary, difficult time. Each time I remember her I feel guilty for being blue about nausea, weariness, the uncertainty of the future, or just plain nothing. I am very, very thankful that the baby has been so healthy and happy. (Every time the doctor checks her heartbeat, he says, "What a happy baby!")

2) I have a great husband and partner. Dean is very patient, loving and supportive. He is very excited about the part where the baby actually comes, which I find very helpful and hopeful. If I say I am terrified, he waves his hand and says "It's going to be great!" (This COULD be annoying but isn't--it's actually extremely reassuring.)

3) I have a wonderful family. From parents to parents-in-law, sister to aunts and everyone in between, my entire family has been nothing but kind, loving, generous and supportive. The nameless wiggle baby is very loved already.

4) I have terrific friends. You know who you are. Without your endless and amazingly thorough advice, I would be a zillion times more lost and overwhelmed.

5) I have a flexible, relatively well-paying summer job that gives me time to write.

6) I have a flexible, relatively well-paying teaching gig for the fall, AND I found a great person to fill in for me for 6 weeks after the baby is born. Dean's job will allow him to stay home with the baby while I teach two mornings a week after that.

7) We have a lovely (albeit rented) home, well-chilled with central air, lots of good food, a soft bed, a soft cat (and soft pillows, a soft couch, six-and-counting soft, soft baby blankets...)

8) The blueberry cobbler I made yesterday turned out well! I am NOT a good baker, folks. This was a real triumph. I can go to the fridge at any time and get some, with ice cream. Yum.

9) We have home-grown tomatoes just steps from our back door.

10) Dean just came home and is going to cook dinner for me.

11) I have spent the last hour on the aforementioned soft couch, doing what I love (a.k.a. writing), with the wiggle baby kicking or bopping around inside me in a happy and reassuring fashion.

What more could a wanna-be poet and mama-to-be ask for?