Eating

Every morning when I wake up, I have a few beautiful moments free of both hunger and nausea. I rest and listen to see if the baby is awake. (It's a listening of body for body, not of the ear for sound.) She usually is, my wiggle baby wiggling to greet the dawn, which maybe she senses, although she can't tell the room is lightening. Then, suddenly, the hunger comes: I am starving.

And every morning I try to think what I can eat that won't make me nauseous.

With this round of morning sickness, which really is relegated to the mornings, I feel like an anthropologist studying myself and the queasiness. I take a lot of mental notes: Cinnamon Toast Crunch is delicious but seems hard to digest. Blueberry pancakes are perfect for a few days, then out the the question. I baked banana bread two weeks in a row and had that with a glass of milk for awhile. Scrambled eggs are okay but only after I've been up for awhile, so they won't do for Breakfast One, which must occur within 15 minutes of waking. Oatmeal is tolerable, but an ordeal to make so early. Today, thinking the combination of protein and whole grain might be good, I had peanut butter on toast with a cup of milk. So far so good...

The relationship of pregnancy to eating is fascinating; more books should be written about it. There is a hunger that is unique to pregnancy, deep, gnawing, bottomless. There is is the fact that pregnant women often find themselves hating food they normally love, devouring food they wouldn't have touched before they were pregnant. I personally always imagined myself eating a healthy diet of all-organic fruits and veggies when pregnant, and I've eaten more McDonald's cheeseburgers in the past month that I had at least 10 or more years before I was pregnant. Of course, I wasn't eating much meat or at McDonald's as a rule, but still. And I can't tolerate some of my and Dean's favorite pre-pregnancy meals (insert elegy to tofu soft tacos here). There are women who, possibly due to anemia, crave ice, paint chips, clay. And always there is the fact, if not a current prominent worry at least in the back of your mind, that what you eat the baby eats, that your baby is literally being made of the food you just or are about to put into your mouth.

The wiggle baby must be at least 25% Bryer's vanilla ice cream.

The book What to Expect When You're Expecting, which I personally do not like, lays out a whole diet for pregnant women. It's called something like "the best chances diet," and it promotes the diet by saying, "You only have nine months to give your baby the best start possible. Make every single bite count."

That may have been the point at which I put that book aside for good. (I may have been eating Doritos at the time.) Pregnancy, and of course motherhood, involves a certain amount of self-sacrifice, but come on now. Every bite? Follow that advice, and you're setting yourself up for nine months of extreme guilt and worry.

I do wish, though, that I had more options for healthy lunches at work. If I want to follow my doctor's advice to eat more red meat as part of lunch at UMD, my options are, literally, McDonald's or the beef and broccoli at the Chinese fast food buffet. It's too bad someone doesn't start a fast food chain with hormone-free, free range beef (and chicken and potatoes and etc. (Gotta have those free range potatoes...)).

If you charted my eating habits by healthiness, the line would go dramatically up and down. Whole grain toast and organic milk--up for healthy! McDonald's value meal number 3--down for NOT so healthy! Organic cherries, plums and blueberries--up! Bag of Doritos--down! Lentils and rice--up! And then of course the last meal of the day, the vanilla ice cream. Here we have some middle ground. I consider the ice cream healthy because of the calcium, and because I need it to fall asleep without getting hungry, but of course there is the sugar.

And finally, there are the random cravings, the urges, the "I must eat this now or else" impulses that take over the mind until the craving is satisfied. Case in point, yesterday at work there was a cake. It was for a very nice woman who is leaving the office. From the moment I saw the cake, I needed to eat it. Luckily this woman working a half-day so we got to have the cake at 11:00 AM. I went in and had my small, office-party-sized slice--and it was DELICIOUS. It was just a regular sheet cake from a Giant grocery store, and I usually think grocery store cakes are a little gross because they have that oily frosting, but this one had real buttercream frosting, complete with pink AND chocolate roses and green leaves.

When the little party was over, about a third of the cake, maybe a bit more, was left. Someone said, "We'll just leave this here, and other people can have some later." And back to our desks we went.

The rest of the day, I was haunted by the presence of the cake. I knew it was just sitting there, waiting for me to come get a fork and eat it all in one sitting. I wanted the cake, the baby wanted the cake, we really, really wanted the cake. But sadly, sadly, in the meantime everyone in the office kept urging the professors to "go get a piece of cake." They are very kind to me at work but I just thought that saying I had to go eat the entire rest of the cake might have been crossing some kind of line.

At lunch, there was still cake and I had another piece. But again, I had to leave it (about an eighth of the whole cake left by then) and go back to my desk.

At about 2:00, I went back for one more sliver. And when I left for the day, the cake was gone.

Week 30

Thirty weeks is a long time. Dean noted that this morning while he was eating his cereal. I agree. It's 3/4 of 40. (For you non-pregnant people, pregnancy is counted in weeks. It's 40 weeks, although it can go longer or shorter. If you ask a pregnant woman how far along she is, she will likely answer in weeks, not months. Thirty weeks is about seven and a half months.)

On top of that, it's almost the end of July, and my deadline to be ready for the baby, or as ready as we can be, is the end of August. My classes begin August 31, and I want all baby items to be ready to go before school begins. This includes setting up the car seat, putting the co-sleeper beside the bed, washing the bottles, and number of other tasks I have recorded under the title "Baby To Do List." We have a lot coming up baby-wise in August, including two more baby showers (one in NC and one here), a yoga workshop for labor and delivery (taught by my prenatal yoga teacher), the hospital tour, a "breastfeeding basics" class, and another ultrasound. School-wise, I have to choose essays to be included in the next Interpolations and meet with my substitute-to-be Agnes to plan our syllabus and choose textbooks. I am going to align my syllabus with hers so that it is easy for her to step in and take my classes whenever the baby comes. We got all of the substitute plans worked out with the department, finally, so it is all set that I will take six weeks off beginning when the baby comes. When I go back after six weeks Dean will stay home with the baby on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. All in all it's worked out pretty well. Dean has seven weeks of sick time he can use as "paternity leave" so he is going to take 3 or 4 of them at the beginning and use the rest to work partial weeks. That will get us through the semester, and then I will have January off--UM has a winter term and I don't teach then. It only recently occured to us that following fall and winter will be spring, so we don't have any real set plans for the spring (or summer or the rest of our lives with a daughter) but we are smart people so I am sure we will come up with something.

I am feeling pretty good, although I am sleepy a lot and some of the nausea seems to be returning. This time around, it is more classic "morning sickness," as in it really does occur only in the mornings. Whatever. I wish it would go away entirely, but that seems unlikely at this point. Of all the pregnancy problems that can happen, this one is far from the worst.

I have been trying to stay active: I walk up escalators, walk a lot in general throughout the city, and I try to both go to yoga classes and swim once a week. It would be very easy to descend into total inactivity, but I think I feel better when I am active, and besides that, I am in training for labor. If I am lucky and things go well enough with my labor to proceed naturally, I don't want to get too exhausted to keep going.

I am definitely looking more forward to the time when the baby is here. Before I was pregnant, I romanticized pregnancy. It was to me a time of wonder, rosy glows and cute maternity dresses. I was puzzled if a mom I knew happened to mention that she didn't like pregnancy. Now that I know more of the real deal I know what's not to like. Still, I am trying to enjoy this time while it lasts. Pregnancy is the ultimate example of non-permanence--the baby (and your body) changes every day. I try to remind myself to live in the moment.

After all, I may only have this experience once.

For the record, though, feeling the baby move is the coolest thing ever. It is definitely the one thing I will miss about being pregnant. The wiggle baby's whole repoirtoire has changed since I labeled her moves a few months ago. In fact, many of her movements are kind of alarming. There are a lot of strong kicks, rapid jabs, and repeated thrusts that make me wonder what's going on in there. As long as I assume everything's okay, it's very cool, and possibly the only thing that will make me nostalgic about pregnancy.

Still, I am getting more and more excited to meet and hold this little wiggly person. Maybe because it's the only choice, I am becoming less terrified about having a baby. Dean's excitement helps a lot. I still feel like I am going up a tall, tall roller coaster--there's only one way out--but instead of squeezing my eyes shut and clutching the safety bar, I am looking around at the amazing view. Hopefully by the time labor comes I will be ready to put my hands in the air and enjoy the ride.

Anyway, pregnancy/life change metaphors aside, I think we may have picked a name for the baby. I actually got a lot of suggestions--thanks everyone!--and Dean and I added almost all of the suggested names to our master list. The name we are thinking of has surprised me, since it was not on my original list of names at all. But the more I think about it the more I like it. And yes, I am going to be coy and not say what it is right now. Dean and I have "picked a name" before and I have changed my mind about it, so I am having a practice session with this name in my mind for at least a week or two before I say what it is.

So, the mystery baby remains mysterious for now. The mama is off to the pool.

ZZZ

I am the sleepiest person alive.

At my last prenatal appointment, I found out that although I do not have gestational diabetes (yay), I am slightly anemic. So I am now taking iron pills and have upped my cheeseburger consumption.

But the sleepiness remains. It's like constant fog. If you've ever tried to write poetry while sleepy, you know the trouble I'm in. I can't even properly write this blog post.

To make things worse, I am not a napper. I've never been able to nap right. I get up and feel ten times worse.

I guess I'll go back to MSWord and keep trying.

Photographs

My friend Melissa came over Monday to take baby/belly pictures. As you will see, she is a fabulous photographer.

You can click at the top of this page for a slideshow of the photos.

The amazing thing is that I never once felt like I was having my picture taken. I had been a little worried that I would look funny in the pictures because posing for photos usually provokes me to make this strange half-smile, half-grimace face. But Melissa made me feel totally comfortable. She had really creative ideas involving the stairs, books, and bubble gum. She took some great pictures of Suki, too. And you can see more of her photographs on the website above.

Working With a Pregnant Woman: Top Ten Dos and Don'ts

1. Do not comment daily, as pregnant woman enters office, on her increasing size.

2. Do expect pregnant woman to be at least ten minutes late daily.

3.Do not give pregnant woman instructions without giving her a chance to find a pen and paper.

4. Do expect to repeat all instructions at least once.

5. Do not comment each time pregnant woman leaves her desk to go to the bathroom.

6. Do not heat strongly-scented foods in office microwave.

7. Do not use break time to tell pregnant woman stories about other people's birth and labor experiences.

8. Do provide pregnant woman with an all-you-can-eat fresh fruit bar, chocolate dipping sauce included.

9. Do expect pregnant woman to spend several hours a day researching pregnancy symptoms, updating baby registries, and searching for baby names.

10. If pregnant woman falls asleep at her desk, do not wake her.

A Reading

A P.S. to yesterday's update. I was asked to be in a reading in mid-August--I'll write more about it later, but you can read about it here.

28th Week Update

Twelve or less weeks to go. Or a couple more, I suppose. I think less.

The most exciting event of the week was meeting baby Lucy! This is Lucia Armijo, the new daughter of Enrique/Henry and Caroline, our friends from Dean and Enrique's law school days. I got to hold Lucy and play with her during her tummy time and she even feel asleep in my arms. Sadly, I forgot the camera (as usual), but you can see and read about Lucy on Caroline's blog. She is tiny and adorable. It was great to talk with Caroline and finally meet Lucy.

In other news, Dean and I attended session one of "Make Way for Baby" last week. We go back tomorrow. Let's just say that the first session was not all I had hoped for. Mainly, the teacher was terrible. I am probably pretty judgmental of other people's teaching, but really, she was awful. She has a very confusing way of explaining things that involves starting whatever she is saying with the conclusion, then backtracking to an example, which she repeats four or five times (seriously, almost word for word), and then she works her way back to preliminary points, and ends by restating the conclusion. It's extremely irritating. Also, she said things I think are just wrong, such as "The baby sucks the calcium from your bones." And worst of all, she seemed embarrassed when she taught us about some of the laboring positions. Some of the class members were sort of giggly and shuffly about getting down on their hands and knees and such, and it was like she let the students' discomfort make her uncomfortable. Come on people, we're talking about giving birth. It's not the time to be modest. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE THE TEACHER.

But, much to Dean's dismay, we're going back anyway, because we have paid. And despite it all, attending the class did make me feel better. It was nice to hear, in a hospital setting, about some of the things I want to do that I had anticipated the hospital being difficult about. I have reached a nice Zennish (can one be Zennish? or do you have to be just Zen or not?) state about labor. I have a plan and I am not interested in hearing any more stories or opinions about the whole thing, particularly anyone's estimations or descriptions of how much it hurts. (NOTE: That statement does not apply to all the moms I know, who have been great in talking and offering advice, or to anyone I specifically ask. I'm just tired of random people, such as, oh, the saleswoman at Gap, telling me their thoughts about giving birth. Another annoying thing random people do is say "Oh, you'll never sleep again.") I will write about my plan later.

The wiggle baby needs a new name. Well, obviously--but what I mean is that she has not been as wiggly. In fact we had an unscheduled ultrasound about it this week because I called my doctor about a few other questions and mentioned that the baby's pattern of movement had changed. (Everything I've read says to tell your doctor if the pattern of movement changes.) She was still kicking and moving, but she was not as wiggly. I figured the doctor would tell me it was fine and not to worry--but instead he said he would call for me to get an ultrasound if I wanted. After that, what are you going to do but get an ultrasound? So we got to peek into the baby's world another time. She is fine. Today she started wiggling again a bit. Who knows. Anyway I know that her repertoire has expanded some. And I won't post the graphic picture that proves it, but we are very sure now that she is a girl.

What else? Dean and Luli (his mom) are going backpacking this weekend. I've been missing the mountains, but despite Dean's offer to carry all my stuff, I declined his invitation to join them. I've been doing okay walking up the Metro escalators, but I am not sure how I would do with mountains. Not to mention two nights of sleeping on the ground and not having an assortment of food, such as cold milk, banana bread, and watermelon Popsicles, to eat upon waking in the morning.



Here's Dean getting ready. Suki is helping. She loves maps.

And our garden is doing well. We have beans, tomatoes, zucchini, and cucumbers. In fact, I am signing off to figure out what to do with it all. I have been thinking of it all day as a "farm supper."



Here are the beans. Some are purple, but they turn green when you cook them.

If you have baby name ideas, I am officially open to suggestions.

Joy, Terror, Despair

Those are the three emotions I seem to cycle through on a fairly regular basis. To call them "mood swings" is a bit of an understatement. I'm talking extreme happiness one day, extreme sadness the next. Yes, I know--the hormones. But it's been interesting to consider what else causes these feelings.

The terror should be pretty obvious. I am having a baby and I am going to have to figure out what to do with it--I mean her. I've read enough to know that there is no real way to plan for this. Of course on the one hand there are LOTS of ways to plan. We've picked out baby items. Set up a crib. Signed up for birth and baby care classes. I have read tons and tons and tons about pregnancy, labor, birth, the first year, sleeping, nursing, etc. But until it happens, I have no way of knowing what will actually happen! I don't know when the baby is coming, or how, and I don't know how long I will need to stop teaching after she comes. I don't know how nursing will go. I don't know if the used breast pump I just got will work. I don't know how much I will get to sleep. If at all.

I don't know from day to day if I will feel good, horrible or somewhere in the middle. I don't know if I will have a good writing day or be too tired or nauseous to write anything worth saving. I am a planner. I like to be in control. I like to make lists and cross things off as I complete them. Having a baby is a huge reminder of how out of control life really is. It's overwhelming.

Being overwhelmed, I think, mixed with the terror like some kind of cheap, sub par martini bar cocktail, leads to the despair.

But.

At the same time--actually NOT at the same time, but soon or eventually following--is the joy. I have a lot to celebrate. In fact (caution--swift mood-swing-like transition here--), I thought I would take some time to count my blessings:

1) I have a very healthy baby! This is too easy to take for granted. A friend of a friend is pregnant with twin boys and has had a really scary, difficult time. Each time I remember her I feel guilty for being blue about nausea, weariness, the uncertainty of the future, or just plain nothing. I am very, very thankful that the baby has been so healthy and happy. (Every time the doctor checks her heartbeat, he says, "What a happy baby!")

2) I have a great husband and partner. Dean is very patient, loving and supportive. He is very excited about the part where the baby actually comes, which I find very helpful and hopeful. If I say I am terrified, he waves his hand and says "It's going to be great!" (This COULD be annoying but isn't--it's actually extremely reassuring.)

3) I have a wonderful family. From parents to parents-in-law, sister to aunts and everyone in between, my entire family has been nothing but kind, loving, generous and supportive. The nameless wiggle baby is very loved already.

4) I have terrific friends. You know who you are. Without your endless and amazingly thorough advice, I would be a zillion times more lost and overwhelmed.

5) I have a flexible, relatively well-paying summer job that gives me time to write.

6) I have a flexible, relatively well-paying teaching gig for the fall, AND I found a great person to fill in for me for 6 weeks after the baby is born. Dean's job will allow him to stay home with the baby while I teach two mornings a week after that.

7) We have a lovely (albeit rented) home, well-chilled with central air, lots of good food, a soft bed, a soft cat (and soft pillows, a soft couch, six-and-counting soft, soft baby blankets...)

8) The blueberry cobbler I made yesterday turned out well! I am NOT a good baker, folks. This was a real triumph. I can go to the fridge at any time and get some, with ice cream. Yum.

9) We have home-grown tomatoes just steps from our back door.

10) Dean just came home and is going to cook dinner for me.

11) I have spent the last hour on the aforementioned soft couch, doing what I love (a.k.a. writing), with the wiggle baby kicking or bopping around inside me in a happy and reassuring fashion.

What more could a wanna-be poet and mama-to-be ask for?

Baby on the Fourth