13 on 31

I never seem to find the time to write the developed posts I compose in my head at 4am, so here are 13 things about life, lately:

1. Amelia is sick. Poor baby. She and I both had colds for the past two weeks or so, but when mine went away, hers seem to get worse, and a fever appeared. A trip to the doctor showed no ear infection, and when I called again today, the nurse said a virus that sounds like what Amelia has is going around. So I am giving her ibuprofen, and she is drinking a lot of juice.

2. She says, "Juice!" Also fish, mask (because of an African mask Jes got us that hangs on the wall above our reading/nursing chair) and, just this weekend, Daddy! ("Da!")

3. Naps have been challenging, lasting 45 minutes, tops, for most of last week. Maybe because she has been sick? With 10-15 minutes of crying when I put her down. But today, for the first time since I cut her off from nursing to sleep: no pre-nap crying! She just talked to herself for a few minutes, then all was quiet on the napptime front.

4. Night sleep has remained mostly great, even through the sickness. A couple of early morning wakings. I have nursed her at night twice. My hope is that this is fine, as long as it doesn't turn back into a habit. It seems okay so far. There is a middle way!

5. List of lunchtime food items on the table and floor right now: wheat bread. Strawberry jello. Cheerios. Milk. A french fry. A slice of turkey ("gobble gobble gobble"). Vanilla ice cream. Something gooey I can't name--oh, mayonaise.

6. Number of the above items Amelia actually ate for lunch: 0.

7. What has Amelia eaten today? About 1/3 of a bag of rainbow goldfish crackers. (Don't worry, they are colored using natural ingredients, like beets.)

8. What have I been doing during these 45 minute naps last week? Writing! Somehow when I know there is only going to be 45 minutes, I can make myself get more work done than if I think there might be 2 hours. I have been working on my manuscript and work for the class I am taking. My class met again last week (it meets about every 3rd Monday). We discussed my manuscript and one other (6 students, 2 manuscripts per session, for two rounds). I got lots of positive feedback and several helpful suggestions. And a few crazy suggestions, but that is par for the workshop course.

10. And, I just got an email from the instructor asking me if I want to be in a reading soon! A nice boost for my confidence. Especailly considering that

11. I spent some time this weekend looking into jobs for the fall, mostly getting very discouraged. I read too many faculty bios of people who had PhDs and lots of publications. Whatever, guys. I can recite both Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? and Dr. Suess's ABCs.

12. I am looking forward to spring. Although we had some days in the high 50s and low 60s last night, tomorrow's high is supposed to be -3. Can people even exist in that kind of weather? How did the pioneers survive out here? I am making it my personal business not to leave the house tomorrow.

13. After 16 months, I am beginning to feel like my old self again, whoever that is. I think sleeping through the night helps. So does getting to leave the house at night and not being the only person in the universe who can get Amelia to go to sleep. Plus having a toddler is really a lot of fun! Hard sometimes, what with the tantrums and the poor communication skills, but fun. I like playing with Play Dough and stickers and puzzles. And Amelia is only just beginning to be able to do those things, so more fun is in store. I've also been doing more stuff I want to do, generally. I made a sort of New Year's resolution to try to integrate more reading and writing and yoga into my daily life, even if I don't have large swaths of free time. I came up with a concept of "5 and 20." Basically, I try to take a span of 5 minutes to do something I want to do sometime during the day, and then another span of 20 minutes to do something else I want to do. So I might read the news for 5 minutes in the morning, or read a poem for 5 minutes while Amelia plays on her own. Or I might try to do 20 minutes of yoga while Amelia plays around me. Or write for 20 minutes during Amelia's bath and bedtime. After roughly 31 days, I feel happier and more... well-rounded is the best word I can think of. Reading more of the news, for example, has allowed me to actually think of something besides Amelia and exhaustion to talk about to my mom friends (not the conversation often turns from babies and/or sleep, but just in case!), and to Dean and my other friends as well. And doing a little bit of yoga each day makes me feel better physically, and I think helps during the yoga classes I go to too. It turns out that there is more to life than motherhood, and I have been finding ways to access that life. And that is a good thing.

Welcome!

Two new babies have joined Emme in the world this week:

Dean's PDS office mate Mikey and her partner Joanne got to meet baby Claire on January 22,

and on Monday, Debra, Faith and Ryan got to meet Annie Joy!

Winter Hike

We went to Roxborough State Park yesterday for a little winter hike. Amelia had skipped her nap so she was fairly happy to doze in her carrier.

The park features a line of jutting rocks that look windblown. They are all tilted at the same angle. We went on a hike that took up through a few of them, then up above for some great views.



Starting out







The trail was very muddy. We learned what happens when the dry Colorado clay gets soaked with melting snow: it turns into cement.



View of the rocks from the "summit"--I don't think we were very high, but we had a great view.



Denver and the plains. Can you see Denver? Tiny city to the left. Interesting clouds to the right.



Nice afternoon light.

It was a very pleasant hike. Amelia was sleeping for a little over half of it, and Dean and I were silent while she slept. I hd a nice time taking pictures and thinking hiking thoughts. Somehow you think about different things, or think about things differently, when you are just walking. After Amelia woke up, she looked at the scenery and munched on a triscuit for the rest of the hike. So all in all it was a success. A good afternoon.

Monkey See...

I was talking on the phone, straightening up, and when I hung up, I noticed this:

Rice Krispie Treats and Words

Words

Amelia has learned a lot of new words lately, especially in the last couple of days! She can now say these words:

More! (And she learned the sign for more, too!)
Fish
Mask
Juice
See (as in, I want to see that)

And she knows these animal sounds:

Baa
Gobble gobble
Neigh
Moo
Woof woof
Meow

I might be forgetting some. It is really exciting when she says something new! I will try to capture it on tape soon. (Every time we try, she refuses to speak.)

Welcome!

Emmeline Mae Self was born on Thursday, January 13! (Someone must have written a very persuasive letter.) Welcome, Emmeline! We are so glad you are here!

Blog Meets Blog!

We finally got to welcome Debra and Faith to the Mile High City yesterday. We have visited them in the Springs (ha! I always giggle when I say that) several times but I never have a camera with me.

We had lunch and then the girls played while Debra and I discussed possible methods of turning baby #2 (who is due in 2 weeks!) from the breach position. I showed Faith and Amelia the cat/cow poses we have been doing in toddler yoga, complete with moos and meows. And I loaned Debra something akin to a heat lamp. (Use your imagination.)

Please be sure to send baby-turning thoughts to Debra! I remember that Amelia was in the breach position for awhile and I was very unhappy about it. It sounds like Debra and her doctor have a good plan for what they will do if baby does not move, but obviously it would be more ideal for baby to turn. Turn, baby, turn!



Faith and the Goodwill Elephant



Amelia and Debra



Playing with my jewelry box




We had a very nice afternoon with our Colorado friends and we will see then again soon!

Dear Baby B,

I keep putting off this letter in the hopes that you'll have arrived before I can finish, but it's time we talked.

I haven't heard from your mom in a couple of days, but I bet she is getting pretty tired. I wanted to be sure you knew how much the world is awaiting your arrival!

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't blame you: I'm not a big fan of going outside in the winter either. And you are surely nice and cozy where you are. But there are plenty of warm, fuzzy pajamas waiting for you. And warm arms. And a big brother who cannot wait to see his little sister!

Baby B, your fans are waiting! We want to know your real name! We want to see what you look like!

You might be upset because you missed 1-11-11. Consider that there is still time for a great palindrome of a birthday. 1-13-11, 1-14-11. Still cool!

Baby B, the world is one less without you here. Please come soon! We love you already.

Your friend,
Kim

Who knows what tomorrow will bring...

but last night, Amelia slept from 7 PM-6 AM with nary a peep (and took a two and a half hour nap yesterday afternoon). Dean and I slept well last night too, and Amelia has been a happy baby all morning. Now she and her daddy are out playing in the snow.

I noticed as I logged on to blogger that this is my 300th post. This is a nice event to record for it, at the end of a week of change for the better.

Dancer

Diary of...Well, You'll See

I started this post at the beginning of this week. I had planned to do another week or so of entries before I published it, but it is getting kind of long, and changes are happening so quickly that it is already getting hard to follow. Basically, I meant this to be a record of our attempt to wean Amelia from nursing before bedtime and at night. But, as you will see, the week didn't go exactly as I planned...

January 3, 8 AM:

About two months ago, I signed up for a writing class that meets every 3rd Monday from 6:30-8:30 PM. It begins just at Amelia's bedtime. So for months, we have wondered what will happen when Amelia can't nurse before bedtime. We discussed and even planned on trying a nursing-free bedtime before the class started, but inertia and apprehension and the ease of the familiar made us never follow through.

But time went by, and tonight my class starts, but Dean will put Amelia to bed by himself. So obviously, there will be no nursing. I feel nervous, both about the class and about about leaving Amelia. But Dean is not nervous at all, so I am not too worried. I am sure it will work out some way or another.

January 3, 9 PM:

I am home from my class! I loved it, but before I could tell Dean anything about it I had to hear about bedtime. Amelia had her bath and stories as usual, then Dean moved into her bedroom and rocker her for a few minutes. When he put her in the crib, she was super mad and screamed. But only for a few minutes. He went back in to pat her and reassure her after a minute or so, then planned to wait 3 or 4 more minutes before going in again. But in the meantime--

she fell asleep.

He seemed worried about her crying, and I am sure it was that horrible loud angry screaming that is terrible to listen to. But--hey, only 5 minutes! This for a baby who is super attached to nursing, and who has been nursed immediately before going to bed and taking a nap since she has been going to bed and taking naps. Her whole life.

January 4, 11:30 AM:

Due to indecision, sleepiness and perhaps missing Amelia at bedtime I ended up getting up at 3:30 am to nurse Amelia back to sleep, and then she woke up at 5:30. I felt grouchy and discouraged this morning, especially since Amelia was tired and whiny and kept trying to nurse every 5 minutes.

But somehow, during the course of the morning, I convinced myself that now is the time to seize the moment and make a change. I I don't do something now, who knows when I will make a change.

I have decided I only want to nurse 3 times a day: first thing in the morning, pre-nap--but NOT as a going-to-sleep method--and in the late afternoon, say 5:15 or so.

So, this morning, in between distracting Amelia from nursing with cow's milk, pears, apples, cheese, a Nutra-Grain bar and who knows what else, I moved the glider into our bedroom. Amelia was concerned. She didn't seem to like it. Then, I kept A up till 10:45, even though she was super sleepy early on, from getting up so early.

Then, in the glider in our bedroom, I nursed her, for just a few minutes. Then we stopped nursing and read stories. She held her giraffe lovey as usual through the stories. After 3 books, I decided to nurse her just a tiny bit more, through one round of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." When the song was over, I moved Amelia into her crib. She was sleepy, but wide awake.

Angry screams ensued.

Butterflies in my stomach, I went back in after 2 minutes, then 5. She was standing up both times, clutching her giraffe, her little face all red and teary. I hugged her and said night night and laid her back down each time. I was waiting 10 more minutes before I went in again, but in the meantime, her angry screams faded to sad wails, then a tired whimper, and now:

silence.

I feel like this is the start of a brand new world.


January 4, 7:00 PM

Dean just put Amelia to bed while I made dinner. I made myself scarce and he did the whole bedtime routine by himself again. I was making dinner feeling a little sad, but mostly not. It's time.

Dean came downstairs. Upstairs:

silence.

He took in to the bedroom, gave her a little hug, which she returned, and put her in bed. She snuggled up with her giraffe, made a little noise, and--we assume--went straight to sleep!

January 5, 6:45 AM

Amelia slept soundly through the night until 4:30, a success that is overshadowed by the fact that she went back to sleep for only 15 minutes or so (after 5-10 minutes of crying). She was shouting and fussing again by 5:00, so after 15 minutes of that I just got up with her. I thought then Dean could get some more sleep, and to be honest I was ready to nurse.

When I went in Amelia's room, though, she was rolling around in the way she does when she is trying to go to back sleep. She sat up when she saw me, so I picked her up and we went downstairs. I sat with her to nurse, and she did--for about 20 seconds. Then she started crying and refusing my breast. "No, no," she said.

What in the world.

It quickly became clear that Amelia was not ready to get up. She is whiny and fussy and yawny. She was actually crying less in her crib than she has been since she has been up.

Her refusal of nursing has me truly dumbfounded. Yesterday morning she tried to nurse like 35 times. I was really happy with the plan of some nursing. Now my left breast is at least 2 cup sizes larger than the right and is leaking milk all over my bathrobe. And I am sad to think that I might have nursed for the last time without knowing it. Surely not. But who knows.

11:00 AM:

All morning, Amelia refused to nurse. I alternated between feeling sad and worried that nursing is over and surprised and relieved that weaning might be this easy. Before A's nap, we read books in the glider again. She nursed for a few seconds and then stopped, seeming to prefer to read. She patted my boob a lot while we read but refused to nurse every time I offered. Then we finished the books, and she said "Bye-bye?" like she does sometimes at night at bedtime. I said, "Night, night" and carried her into the bedroom. She was crying before we got to the crib. She screamed for a few minutes again, and I went in once but she had wound down enough in 3 or 4 minutes after my first reentry that I didn't go in again. After she was asleep I went in to check on her and her giraffe was on the floor. She throws it out when she is mad.

So sad.

To make matters worse I came upstairs to write this but before I did I googled self-weaning and 15 months and discovered that there is a such thing as a nursing strike. The LLL site I read (bad idea) gave me the impression that A could be not nursing because her feelings are hurt, something I actually said to Dean this morning. So now I feel guilty on top of everything else. Maybe she will nurse later. I really am not ready to wean totally. I was hoping for at least 3 more months of peaceful morning and afternoon sessions. But if it's a choice between not nursing at all and continuing the way we were going, with me being the only one who could put A to bed, or to soothe her at night, and with her nursing a million times a day with all of those teeth--then I guess I prefer this. But I am still sad.

Motherhood, will you ever stop being so confounding???

January 6, 11 AM:

I got over my worries (sort of) yesterday afternoon with encouragement from both my mom and from Dean that A is just probably ready to wean. Of course that didn't help my giant, swollen breast, but it was a start. And, I realized something amazing: I COULD GO TO AN EVENING YOGA CLASS. Gasp! I don't have to be at home to put Amelia to bed anymore!

So that is what I did. Dean got home at 5:15 or so and he and A left for swimming lessons, and I left for a yoga class! I was exhausted and hungry and very happy. It was not the most fabulous class ever as the instructor kept doing all of these cobra type poses that were not working well with my boob... situation. I just kept not doing those poses until he came over and asked if everything was okay.

"Yes," I said. He hovered, obviously wanting an explanation. I was not sure where to begin.

Finally, I just gestured to my left boob and said, "I'm weaning."

He looked blank.

"I'm weaning a baby," I said.

"Oh... okay," he said. "Let me know if I can do anything to help."

Okay, buddy! I don't think he understood what I said. Probably not something you get a lot of in the way of special conditions that affect your yoga practice. I was still super happy to be at a yoga class.

Anyway, Dean again put baby A to bed with no trouble. She cried out a few time last night, but only for a few minutes, not even long enough to make me wake up and look at the clock. She woke up around 5:20 or 5:30, and Dean got up with her at 5:45 when it was clear she was not going back to sleep. This morning, again, she said "No, no" to nursing, although she did try for just a second. I held her while she drank milk from a cup and ate Cheerios and tried not to be sad. She ate a big breakfast, a whole blueberry waffle with peanut butter and some raspberries and more milk. Then we went out to the store and she saw the Snap Pea Crisps I was buying and ate some of those.

Then we started a new activity, Mommy and Me Toddler Yoga, new to a nearby Denver studio. I am super excited about it. It was great fun. Toward the end of it Amelia got tired and clingy and...

NURSED

for about 5 minutes. It was a huge relief because my breast was swollen to the point that my whole arm hurt when I raised it over my head. And I really would like it if she would nurse just occasionally for a few more months. I am worried about what would happen if she got sick or something. Anyway, after 5 minutes, maybe less, I distracted her and we went back to yoga. On the way home she was falling asleep in her carseat just as we pulled in to the garage, so we came in and I did the stories in the glider thing. She did not cry until I actually placed her in her crib, but then she cried a LOT, a little over 20 minutes. It would be great if she would go down for naps as easily as bedtime, but naps are always harder than bedtime, at least for A. Anyway now she is peacefully snoozing and I am enjoying having a moderately pliable left breast.

January 7, 11:45 AM:

Yesterday afternoon, Amelia nursed twice more, once at the park and again when we got home, around 5:00. I temporarily abandoned the plan to limit her to the three times a day until she gets into the swing of the new routine.

Today's nap went better than yesterday. A only cried for 7-10 minutes. Bedtime continues to be a huge success. AND, Amelia is sleeping all the way through the night! I feel more rested already. Unfortunately, A seems to think the end of the night is at 4:30 or 5:00 AM, But when she gets up at those times, she is sleepy and fussy all morning. So that will be our next battle, I guess.

As I wrap up this week of big changes, I am very glad both that we have finally broken the pattern of nursing to sleep and that Amelia decided to nurse again, not only for my breasts' sake. I was sad to think that I had nursed for the last time unknowingly. I like the closeness and cuddlyness of nursing, and I like knowing that I have some milk in case Amelia gets sick and doesn't want to eat. It's still cold and flu season, after all. I would like to continue breastfeeding 2-3 times a day till 18 months, at least. Of course if this week has shown anything it's that you can't make plans with a baby. So we will see.

Peek-a-boo!

Amelia and Friends

15 Months

Yesterday was Amelia's 15 month birthday. It ended up being a very remarkable day, but for now I am going to be mysterious about exactly what happened, because it is still playing itself out.

But, I did want to mark the day, so for once I remembered to take pictures. Below you can see Amelia, complete with bedhead, playing as I put together her Ikea table (all by myself, thank you very much!). It was a present from Luli from a long time ago, and it occurred to me that she is finally old enough to enjoy it! She loves it. However, we have moved back into a stage in which she requires constant supervision, because part of what she loves about chairs and tables is that they are fun to climb on.

Then, lower down, is a picture from later in the day after a package from Meg arrived. Sophie kindly passed on her little stroller. Amelia (now with her hair fixed) loved that too, and strolled around her new bear for quite awhile before trying out the little stroller herself. So far, it is holding her weight.

Snow Pictures!

Almost 15 Months

It's been awhile since I recorded what's going on with Baby A. She is almost 15 months old!

First: teething. I feel like Amelia has been teething constantly since about 13 months. There has been a lot of whining, fussing, and night-waking that I feel is teething related--it is crazy to me that some doctors think that teething does not disrupt babies' sleep. Plus she has had a runny nose with no other cold symptoms for a long time. It is hard to know for sure what is going on, though, because Amelia is very secretive about her mouth. She does not feel that anyone should look in there, ever. However, using tricks, games, flashlights, and all of my zookeeper skills (imagine trying to pry open the mouth of an unwilling alligator), I have confirmed that she is getting new teeth. The 6th and 7th teeth, the two on either side of the bottom front, broke through at about 14 months, and the top right molar broke through soon after. I felt the bottom left molar last night, although I am not sure how long it has been there. And I think she is getting more on both the top and bottom. Really I think this is just one long teething session in which she is getting all of her teeth. I will be glad when they are all in.

On the mobility front, Amelia has left crawling completely behind. She can easily squat and stand back up, and she can walk quickly, a cute little trot. She even started jumping a little bit--mostly just gleeful knee bends, but yesterday she actually cleared the ground. She has been practicing climbing the stairs like a grown-up--as in not on all fours. I have to hold both of her hands and say, "Take a big step!" Then she steps up and says, proudly, "Ooohhh!"

She is saying a few more words: "bear," as in teddy bear, and she will answer the questions of what a dog, a monkey, and cow says with noises similar to those animals. We think she knows "moon," too, and she continues to practice "baby" and "no."

Speaking of "no," she is definitely establishing herself as her own person. She gave me her first mean, defiant look on the plane back from NC. She had been tearing up the Sky Mall, one of her favorite plane activities, and she started putting little wads of the pages in her mouth. At first she was spitting them out, and we were kind of going with it, because it was a long day. (We calculated that we traveled for 14 hours: the NC coast, to RDU, to Philadelphia, to Denver, to the Southwest Baggage office when we couldn't find our bags, to the DEN economy lot, and, finally, home. Our bags made it the next day, one in the afternoon, one in the middle of the night). Anyway, then Amelia stopped spitting out the paper and just held a big wad in her mouth. She wouldn't open her mouth (see above) and kept squirming and shaking her head, so finally I just stuck my finger in there and dug out the paper. She shrieked and broke away from my grasp, grabbed the Sky Mall, ripped out a piece of paper and bit it. As she did all this, she was giving me the kind of angry, rebellious look I would expect from a teenager. It definitely said, I will put this paper in my mouth if I want to.

And it was so, so funny.

I could not stop laughing, and I knew I shouldn't be laughing. But it was so funny! I just haven't seen that kind of autonomy and will from her before. My sweet baby. I know that in the future, I should not laugh at that kind of thing, but I swear, I still laugh just thinking about it. It still amazes me, this little being we created, just keeps growing and growing into her own self.

And, as usual, that little self has woken up from her nap before I wrote all I wanted to write... to be continued.